Memory Lapses

Would I prefer to lose my memories than to suffer through the grieving process? Just for a moment I'll give this notion some extra attention. The idea swam into my head after reading about a man who's doctor/friend annually gives him an end of year check up. It is an informal question and answer thing, one of which involved a quickly administered memory test.

That got me thinking that it is the memories of my past life that brings up the tears. What if I could just wipe them out. No more tears. No more missing a life now over. No more worries about fading memories I wish I could make sure never to forget. No more Michael.

Just not an even trade. We are a sum of all that has gone before and I like what my life adds up to so far! Where would I be if I had not met and lived with this man for seven years? Where would I be if he had not married me in 2000? 

I am working with what is and what is - is that I had a wonderful companion who agreed to grow with me. It was always till death do us part - wasn't it?  

And now I am growing on my own again. 

At least growth is still on the table. I miss you Michael. We really did it all, didn't we? Happy New Year! I love this photo from Times Square NYE 2002!

Are there memories you would do without?

Tag You're It!

Humility

"To find the balance you want, this is what you must become. You must keep your feet grounded so firmly on the earth that it's like you have 4 legs instead of 2. That way, you can stay in the world. But you must stop looking at the world through your head. You must look through your heart, instead. That way, you will know God.

~Elizabeth Gilbert

 

Humbly I go forward into the New Year. I take with me all the lessons of the past, but none of the burdens. 

Awakened and rested, my condition is mint. I declare myself seasoned rightly and ready to move ahead.

Preparing supper last night as the microwave beeped the LED display flashed and read "END." Naturally I respond. Yes, I do talk to my appliances. It is really OK...as long as they do not respond. Glancing up I ask, "Why is it not the beginning?" 

Perched mindfully, as if from above, I looked back at the great divide in my life. A life so efficiently chopped in 2 uneven pieces by death.

Yearning for a new starting point, I am harmonious with the approaching New Year. I am hungry for a feast. A feast that is appropriate to the famine of the past 18 months. A feast that feeds more than just myself. Serving more than myself I can move from sorrow toward joy.

 

Now is the time to exhibit our full stretched feathers and our widely expanded pumped out chests.

Even if we do not entirely believe in our words right now, let us write our intentions down. If our belief is not strong - we can swallow it later. Intention is a word cocktail which makes the elixir of our next great self possible! 

When I was younger there was no awareness. I ate well and good at life's table. Never taking a single moment to digest what nourished or robbed me of nutrients.

 

Yes, now with some thought I see the recipe of my Life marinated in time. The strength of my roux is most deep and complex. From it all possibilities are Divine.

Eventually... I know Doubt and Fear will re-enter the mix. But today I recognize these pungent ingredients contain within them my true aspirations. These shadows are gifts to be overcome. and once overcome - our greatest dreams can be forged.* 

Add equal parts Truth and Forgiveness and Self-Love.**  This is a recipe for healing. And now the feast can begin. Bon Appetite!

Rejoice and reclaim the ALL that is our birthright. As we nourish and care for ourselves we become so full that to serve others is the natural way of things. I cannot think of a better thought with which to begin a new year!

 

What will you leave behind or reclaim?

 

Tag You're It!

* The War of Art by Steven Pressfield.

**Page 178,  The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz.

Emotions are like Black & White Cookies

Have you ever had a Black and White cookie? It is the official baked good of Manhattan and perhaps some places in New Jersey as well. It is a soft cake-like cookie the size of a newborn's head. On top it is iced with both a chocolate and vanilla icing and has a striking hard edged line down the middle where the two icings meet. And I just LOVE them!

When you get one in your hand you get to choose how you are going to attack it. You get to have a bite of the chocolate and then the vanilla. Or you can eat all one side then the other. Or perhaps your desire is for balance and take your first bite right down the middle. It is a fun dessert that offers joy no matter how you receive the cookie into your mouth. Both the dark and light parts.

If we could only experience our emotions this way.

My emotions tell me how things are. But they are not the tellers of the whole truth. They are simply our good messengers. I have come to know when I am able to welcome ANY emotion this way, I am able to feel it and be witness to it at the same time. In the past I suffered from confusion - thinking I WAS my emotions. I think this is because we feel our emotions throughout our bodies. This uber proximity is what got me confused!

Now I think of emotions as electrical charges. They are ignited to show me something. And they naturally run their course then go away. When I allow it, I can open up and look underneath my emotion. This way l can know myself better. And when I know myself better the rest of IT ALL falls into place with ease. Of this I am sure…I am the cake and emotions are the icing!

The dark part. I know I am wounded and healing is underway. The healing takes the form of feeling all sorts of anointed pangs again and again and again. OK... this is a fancy way of saying PAIN... I know. But when I reframe these things I feel as divine, sanctified or blessed it helps me move away from "Damn it - not again!" towards "I wonder what this is trying to tell me?" I am reframing things to survive. I am awash in tears right now. They are the realist of real. I let them flow and wonder what these tears, today - right now- are telling me?

The light part. Love is real too. It is eternal. This is how I am able to take the rest of it all in. Just wish I had a person here with me now to share all this love. THIS is what pains me today. Not in a needy way, but in an exploring way. There are always folks with whom we can share love. A bounty of souls in fact. But having that one, that intimate someone, is a special gift. Can I reframe this circumstance of yearning to acknowledge I am full of love and these tears are calling me out to open my heart even further? Yep, I can!

I wonder how open a heart can get?

How graciously my cookie crumbs have lead me toward this most wonderful question and toward a way to take action. Using Loving Kindness Meditation is a practical approach to a more open heart.

Also called Metta Meditation, practicing Loving Kindness increases positive mind states such as patience, kindness, compassion and acceptance towards yourself and others. Practicing Loving Kindness reduces negative chemicals (cortisol) in our brain and increase oxytocin which can further improve our ability to love and be loved.

Traditional Loving Kindness Meditation goes something like this...

Perhaps centering yourself by making the breath the focus of your attention and then feeling the breath moving and the body sitting.

And when you are ready, bringing to mind someone that it is easy to feel loving kindness towards. An easy, simple relationship may be best. Allowing yourself to hold them in your awareness perhaps seeing them in your mind’s eye or perhaps feeling a sense of them in your heart, can you feel a sense of loving kindness towards them?

As you hold them in your awareness, begin to send wishes of loving kindness to them. Silently repeat these phrases:

May you be safe
May you be happy
May you be healthy
May you live with ease

Now lets switch it up! Gaining a sense of your self, and cradling the sense of yourself in your awareness repeat these words silently to your own sense of self:

May I be safe
May I be happy
May I be healthy
May I live with ease

If it seems artificial and stilted to say such things to yourself, for yourself, maybe you’re not feeling loving kindness in this moment - and that’s OK. Whatever you’re feeling, you can hold the intention of loving kindness... offering it from wherever you are... however you are now ...

Is it time to experiment? Or would you rather just go get a cookie? Either way - Joy awaits!

Tag You're It!

Winter Solstice Blessing

Shed away your tired old coats my darlings.

Shed the tears
that tear you from within.
Like a snake
who has outgrown her skin,
writhe and scrape
until the dull old scales
fall away.
Slough off the remnants
of your worn-out self.
Peel away the layers
that no longer suit you,
that constrict you,
so a shiny,
smooth,
lissome you
emerges.
Glide effortlessly
into the new year
adaptable,
flexible,
amenable,
joyful.
Enter your new beginning
with grace,
warm, bright, glistening,
grace.

- Stacy Anne Murphy

Tell Me Everything will be OK

A deer chose my house this week. He found a soft pile of leaves on the protected side of the yard, a refuge in the tightly bound space between two fences and my house. There was a complete break. I saw the bone to his back left hoof jutting out from his leg. The pain must have been immense. The struggle must have been bloody and hard. The instinct must have been great to seek shelter and repose. A deer chose my house to lay down by and die. 

I hope my house was his sanctuary. I hope the deer found some peace from his pain in this harborage protected by love and law. My house is a sanctuary for me. I too have lain down curled up by pain to just be. I have lain down and bled tears until I, or the pain, subsided. Yes this is how the deer must have felt as he chose my house to lay down by, but not die.

Tell me there is purpose to enduring this rough and raw spillage sifting through us. Right thinking and meditation and reading and listening to music and painting and crying and writing these and many other words are powerful tools for healing. But nothing replaces another soul vibrating beside you, holding your head and stroking your face.  

I am so sorry I was not there to tell the deer...

   "Everything will be OK."

    "All is well."

    "The first cut is the deepest."

    "Come away with me and I will ease your pain."

    "Your way of being is in tune with all things."

    "I love you."

Tell me everything will be OK...



Can we really ease the pain of another? 

Tag You're It!

Proximity Always Wins!

Our attention naturally goes to what is nearest. I see, smell and touch the matter at hand. My vision is acclimatized by my experiences so I essentially choose what I see.

But the Imperceptibles, those higher vibrational energies like emotion and the eternal qualities of Love, Grace, Joy, Harmony, Illumination, Creativity... you get the picture... are organically back burner sort of items as they are more naturally felt not seen. It is almost a requirement that one deliberately chooses to pay attention to these sorts of things, lest they go unnoticed, unexperienced, or unexpressed.

So by default we see that which is materially in front of us and we have to actively attune ourselves to experience the unseen in life - be awake. 

But if proximity always wins - here is the greatest news of all. All that we see is outside of ourselves and all we feel is within. Don't get much closer than that! And if our hearts are wide open...we see what we must to grow. 

Love, Grace, Joy, Harmony, Illumination, Creativity... and all the other qualities of this nature are the stuff we are made of. It puts me at ease to acknowledge the imperceptibles are actually closer to me than than any person, place or thing. 

Yes, sometimes I am still the Ringmaster. I want control. "Full steam ahead!" I shout as I stubbornly hang on to an old way of seeing things. And that's what I usually get for my efforts --- a full head of steam! 

No, for this new life, which will be like none I have known before, I cannot create a detailed blueprint. I must get rid of the microscope and the binoculars and let my open heart "feel" the way forward.

So close and yet so far away. Kooky, that's how it appears to me. A universal practical joke. The more I inwardly engage, the less seeking I have to do outside myself.  I am Love. I am Joy. I am Harmony. Cannot get more instant than that - Mr. Coffee, Mr. Keurig, Mr. Microwave, Misters iPhone, Drive-Thru and Key Fob!

"The only thing that's capital-T True is that you get to decide how you're going to try to see it. You get to consciously decide what has meaning and what doesn't.... The trick is keeping the truth up-front in daily consciousness." ~ David Foster Wallace 

Does this make any sense?


Tag You're It!

Good Work and Wonder

Woke up concerned with everyday life. The unperturbed flow of living. The feed the dog, pour milk on the cereal, kiss goodbye, go to work life. I love this life. I miss this life. I have gotten too used to living lopsided. Shoved side to side by wide capriciously swaying emotions, I am ready to assail this grief riddled mayhem for a more cooperative way of being. It is not so much that I am tired or that my broken heart is completely healed. I just miss regular-ness. 

How can I do this? Can I just chose to shift my intentions like that - like so much furniture in a room? Just move this attitude over there by the window so it gets more light. And get rid of that old wobbly chair that no longer serves? Heck ya!  

This morning I salute a thing called Wonder. It is that small surprise or regular happening that when you string enough of them together creates a joyful life. Today I recognize Wonder as sacred. This is a fine direction for a new-ish life.

The second directive from myself to myself is "No more Toiling." I will follow my intuition and let my emotions move freely without resistance.  "Feel Deal and Heal" is my motto! It is hard work but it is Good Work... which is nothing to do with Toiling. Good Work expands. Toil diminishes. Manifesting itself under the supervision of misery and sorrow Toil is never finished. Good Work has no such taskmasters. And Good Work is always completed.  Whether hard or easy, painful or fun, Good Work leaves you sated and transcendently satisfied with no regrets. 

Like yoga, Good Work stretches you a little each day until the old you is nothing like the you who awakes today. Changing small bits is best, but we don't always get a choice. A car spins out of control, there is a fall from a cliff, or we discover a fatal flaw in ourselves or others that makes it impossible to continue. Then it seems change descends upon us. 

The philosopher Soren Kierkegaard wrote, "Growth and change are hard. In fact the only thing harder is not growing or changing." 

However we arrive at change let's wave our flag high and proud. Daily we become more our selves when we agree to pay attention, have fun, let go, not toil, good work, feel pain, stretch and change.

Finally a hopeful post! I have been waiting a long time for one of these. I deserve one. You deserve one. We all deserve to roll around in the grass like happy puppies. No extra points for suffering. Life is pass fail. You will do what you are gonna do. Are you gonna do it well and joyfully or undercover in darkness and shame?

Look beyond the darkness for the light. I am ready to do more than be a survivor. I am ready to actually enjoy surviving. I am ready to live in Wonder. I wonder how Love will show up for me next? I wonder what new experience will stretch me today? I wonder where Abundance will spill into my life? I spend my day looking for answers to these wonder-filled questions!

What do you wonder?


Tag You're It!

Happy Holidays?

The holidays are a time that gets lots of traffic at the Feeling Depot. When you are grieving it feels like there is a train that leaves every hour. I am working very hard to not leave the station and just let the trains come and go as they must. Keeping grounded this way moves things about inside me in a very good way. 

Don't get me wrong, it is hard and painful work, but letting my emotions move through me without going for a ride is extremely satisfying. It is truly worth all the angst and the tears. I am sure I am making room for more love in my life.

Insights and opportunities are abundant as I stay put, mindfully seated in Grand Central Station. These are the rich rewards for keeping inwardly focused and not allowing myself to be carried away.

"All Aboard!" There's that horrible man again as another train is about to leave the station. I am tempted to board, but choose to stay centered. I feel it leave without me. Oh yes - that feels great. It is gone and I-am-still-here. Yum!

Why do I stay at the station? Why don't I go venture beyond the Feeling Depot? Not sure yet. Perhaps I have lots to learn here, right where I am. 

This is not a small thing. Let me say it again… "there are many things to learn right here where I am." Recognizing this - my place - and my part in it is a gift. This is my Peace.

Where do you find Peace this holiday season?

Tag You're It!

Dissolving the Ego

Dissolving the Ego is like selling the first car you ever owned. You are attached to it. You have depended on it to take you places since... forever  It is how you move around, get attention, how you are able to carry all that stuff around with you wherever you go. How could you ever manage without it?

Like a car, we need an Ego - right?  Right, but how often do we let the car drive us? And say you did want to dissolve the only mode of being you have ever known? How does one even approach such a thing?

I observed my ego causing trouble recently. The commotion began when my mind was left free to toddle and sway. Thoughts slid unconsciously following one another down hill and leaping into the ocean of unformed possibility. This is where things got stirred up! It was during a form of meditation called Visioning that I clearly recognized my  "not so good feelings" are NOT me. They are the result of my ego instinctively directing traffic right off a cliff.

During this visioning short waves of sorrow began to surface. Silent and sporadic tears made this a moist meditation.  I became super aware of the slow rolling tear as it flattened itself on my cheek. Then I felt itself rounding again past the chin area where it dripped off to points unknown. This unsettled feeling showed up in the form of sorrow & tears, but it could have just as easily been a quick and sharp painful feeling of despair or a familiar wisp of old and smelly "you are not good enough" thought.

Part of visioning is asking questions and mindfully listening to the answers. Last night, when I asked to let go of something that no longer served me. "EGO" shot into the middle of my awareness. And in that moment of making a conscious choice to let go of ego the waterworks halted. Simultaneously!  It felt like my server had just cleared my plate of yucky vegetables from the table and asked, "Who's ready for dessert?" I literally "felt" the sorrow dissolve into nothingness. And then this realization melted into glee.

I didn't expect this result. I had no expectations at all. It caught me by surprise and pleased me so much.This is the great thing about observing a practice. Sometimes it leads you down favorable roads you never new existed! 

So Mr. Ego, look out. If I can do it once, I can do it again. Practice makes perfect. Don't make me turn this car around!!!

What is your practice?


Tag You're It!


A Simple Primer for Visioning

During your regular mediation practice, make a point to have a journal and a pencil near by. Ask these four questions, one at a time. Spend a few minutes listening, without reaching or straining, for any answers that may bloom within your awareness. Take a moment to write down anything significant or insignificant. Do this for each question. You can then conclude by giving thanks if you like.

What is the highest vision for my life?

What must I become in consciousness for this vision to fulfill itself?

What must I release to be open for this vision to emerge?

Is there anything else I am to embrace in this moment?

Alchemy of Grief

Painful memories come at the strangest times. The memories aren't painful, they are warm and joy filled. The pain comes when memory is wed to the current moment. 

Shopping for groceries I pass by the in store Starbucks. Michael always stopped at the retail display to hunt for dishwasher safe travel mugs. Not for himself, he didn't drink coffee. He was looking for me. It was a little thing, but it made me feel loved.

When memory meets a PRESENT moment like this tears beg to be let out. They are called forth by an actual physical pain starting in the heart and quickly spraying wide across the chest and high toward the eyes. 

These feelings must be allowed. It is bad to hold them in. So I held it together at the grocery store long enough to walk outside. Taking up my brown paper bag in one hand and a shrink wrapped twelve pack of TP and my keys in the other I swiftly trotted to the car. Locks chirped and clicked, the hatch opened and I placed everything in back. 

In the driver's seat - it was safe to melt down - no one could see me. One of the advantages of shopping at night. 

I gave myself permission to let waves of pain and tears sweep through me. It is necessary. I am healing myself. I am sure of it. 

And I am grateful.

What are you grateful for?

Tag You're It!

Allowing the Now

Was it courageous for Michael to choose not to seek treatment? Was it courageous for me to be by his side and help him as his illness ran the table? Not knowing if we had 6 weeks or 6 months - it was a time of uber conscious living in the Now.

After making his choice, Michael worked half days. Passing off his life's work to others was important to him. He wanted it done right. After about a week he could no longer drive and took to our bed. He was fairly self sufficient and I continued to work. About a week later I received this email, "You will have to make sure to be home to let the hospice nurse in at 5:30. I can't make it down the stairs anymore. I am sorry."

Things were moving quickly, but we did have enough time to plan an open house. Lisa, my best friend, and her husband came down from Baltimore. We also got help from good friends Jen and Tim along with my sister Alice and Michael's brother Andrew. It was a good thing too. 138 people showed up! There was a line that started at the staircase, ran down the hall into the kitchen and out the back door. Jen became 'the hostess' so folks did not have to wait in line. She made a list and sent folks upstairs in groups of 5 and 6. 

And there was lots of food!  It was so crowded Lisa was trapped at the kitchen sink. She told me later that at one point she had to go to the bathroom but couldn't make it out of the kitchen. So she just kept doing dishes and after a while, she said, "It just went away!" I was not really aware of any of this at the time. I generally stayed by Mike's side, in our bedroom, making sure he had an advocate with him at all times during this, what my sister was now calling, a "Living Wake". 

Michael was in total control that day. He passed on his meds to make sure he would be present for everyone. As 3:00 approached, our cut off time for all visitors, Michael asked how many were left. About 15 we told him. "Send them up in two groups," he commanded. "I want to make sure everybody gets seen." After the last group left I took a private moment to clean him up and give him his morphine. He wanted to thank everyone personally for their help so he asked the 7 of us to come up and be with him as he fell asleep. I asked him how he thought the day went. Michael thought for a long moment. "It was like a real tough football game...but we won." 

"Get some rest." I told him. "You don't have to do anything else. It is all done. I love you." "I love you too," he said as he slipped off to sleep. That was Saturday. He slept straight thru Sunday. On Monday, after Alice and I changed his sheets, I kissed Michael and told him I loved him.  "I love you too", he said. These words seemed to come from another place. Not from Michael. Not from this room. "Alice, did you hear that?"  We were amazed as we wept. Somehow we both knew these might be his last words. The next day Michael died.

Einstein said, 

"I think the most important question facing humanity is, ‘Is the universe a friendly place?’ This is the first and most basic question all people must answer for themselves." 

  

Even after the sudden loss of my husband to illness - call me Anne Frank - I still believe the universe is a friendly place. Just like I made sure my husband was totally supported and loved, I believe, when we work with it, the force that governs our universe does the same for us!

Yes,  I grieve daily. But everyday I am grateful for a more mature understanding of Love and for the unconditional Trust that are now part of my being.

Ours was not a special brand of Courage. We had only an average every day every man's kind of Courage. We had the Courage to chose to allow the present moment to just unfold...without judgments and without expectations. We had the Courage to give up the need to know what tomorrow looks like

You don't have to have a terminal illness to be Courageous. I believe if you choose to live in Einstein's friendly universe and from this you begin to cultivate an unconditional Trust that you are always safe and all your needs will always be met you will be living a Courageous life.

What kind of Universe do you live in?

Tag You're It!

Is the Universe Friendly?

--by Albert Einstein (May 07, 2012)

Listen To Reading!

What kind of universe do you live in?


Tag Your It!

Pass the bread please

Self-Love is the bread of life.

Bread,  Original Watercolor by Linda Dallas                           \ http://www.appetite4art.com/linda_dallas_notecard_103.htm

I am getting used to taking care of myself again. I did it before I was married. A burst of tears erupts as missing Michael pushes forward. He had my back. Who has my back now asks my tears? I must have my own back. This does not sound like Self-Love. This sounds more like I am a Survivalist, separate and alone.

Read a great quote from some mystic recently, "I love you and it is no concern of yours." suggesting an awakened stance that love is formed from within and is meant to be given away. Are we not all connected and do we not all have lessons to share with one another? This is how Self-Love and the Survivalist come together.

Self-Love is essential because it is the place from which we must start. It is the love we have for ourselves that allows us to give love to others. It is the starter, as in a cherished bread dough. You always keep a bit of the 'mother' for yourself as you pass it on to others. As it is kept and given away, it expands and grows. 

Fermentation of love within yourself allows time for love to develop more fully. This in turn improves the longevity of love shared. And it creates greater complexities and depth of that love.

The Survivalist maintains the starter. Self-Love is the starter. It feeds all other possibilities. Pass the bread please.

How do you nourish yourself?

Tag You're It!

I will not sugar coat it for you

Look - I will not sugar coat it for you, if you will not sugar coat it for me. This is Authenticity. 

"Authentic carries a connotation of authoritative certification that an object is what it is claimed to be."   From dictionary.com

I can mostly be counted on to be authentic, except when I am unsure of myself, or if I am scared or if I am nervous or if I feel unsafe, or if I am living unconsciously. But in all other cases I am most definitely a genuine and real person.

 
All one needs to do is throw others off the scent with a couple of “not so real cues” and if they are following you…are you following me...we have thrown them (and ourselves) off track. No good can come of this. Anything sugar coated or affected, for whatever reason, will be at best a pale echo of our selves and at worst an oddly shaped mass without any reference to who we really are. We are then just a stiff wind, a good downpour, or an army of ants away from havoc, ruination and carnage. No wonder we are so nervous to share our bone fide selves!

I have lived this life of being 'what I needed to become' to get what I thought I wanted. I have even moved mountains to make things happen exactly as I thought they should. My 11 years on the road as a stand up comedienne is proof positive of my earth moving skills. And in the end, like all tales of the misbegotten – great word meaning unlawfully obtained or badly conceived – I was not where I wanted to be.
  
But the great news is I can move mountains! I can create what I want to demostrate in my life. I am a powerful and sensitive creature with love and law on my side. Just got to do it from a more authentic place this time.
 
Does the word authority have any relation to authentic? How about author, is this a distant cousin to them both? I often struggle with my own authority. Who am I? What right do I have? Authority refers to rankings, officialness and control. How often do I feel I rank right up there or have control? And I am most certainly NEVER official about anything. I hold no office which says so.
   
Authenticity means genuine, actual, real.

Authority means power, force, official.

Author means writer, progenitor, equivalent to aug (ere) to increase (see augment).

Augment means to make larger, raise a half step.

It turns out that though they share similar letters their origins are not really related…unless you are me. I see a definite connection between being authentic and that giving me the authority to share my real self as an author. But most telling is the final word which describes the canopy under which I create – Augment - to make larger, to raise a half step. 

This feels soooo right.  


What feels very right to you?

Tag You're It!