Thursday, July 30, 2015

Giving In



Seems who I thought I was got in the way of who I am...

Being human - the spiral seeks me out. They say grief is an ever changing spiral on which we travel. And at certain points you can just expect your feelings of grief to be heightened. So you should prepare for them. 


Thought I was doing a good job but...

Seems who I thought I was got in the way of who I am. I imagined myself as the standard bearer for Joy and Gratitude and 'Uber Great Becoming' I forgot to allow for this part of the story - the tough and painful part. The part where I feel so sad. Old habits die hard. Guess I still have places in me that equate sorrow with weakness. So any way - I kept my grief at bay as long as I could hoping this time, this August, would be different.

I am super great at traipsing thru my daily schedule holding up my end of the bargin. Then I collapse, reluctanlty, because I do not want to be a weak-lilly-livered-fraud.

I know I am not a fraud, I have made some serious strides, created some wonderful moments. And most recently some exciting outcomes have been made manifest. Maybe this is why I resisted so much this time. I imagined I had control over things. Ha!

Nope.

Still hurts. Still sucks. Still grief has a grip on my wellbeing. Just got to ride it out again, this monsoon of tears. I have done it so many times before so I know it can be done. 
Just would have be nice to have a shoulder to lean on this time. That - I imagine - will be a happy day when I allow that!

Do we ever heal?

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Saturday, July 25, 2015

Beginner's Mind


"Rabbit's clever," said Pooh thoughtfully.
"Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit's clever."
"And he has Brain."
"Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit has Brain."
There was a long silence.
"I suppose," said Pooh, "that that's why he never understands anything." ~a. a. milne, winnie-the-pooh

For a while now I had thought I knew enough to be a teacher. But now I realize the wealth is in the learning. I am ready to have beginner's mind again - to be curious and vitally alive and awake in my studies. I want to know more and I want to be taught. I am open and ready to receive more than I currently comprehend.

What am I studing? I am ready to learn more about Love. I want to know how big Love can get? I want to experience the length, depth and breadth of what Love is.

When I hold myself apart as a teacher I am less open. I am held back from feeling, I am singular and alone. There is a kind of sealing off when I think I know a subject so well.

Oh but if I am the student... how much more could I feel? How much richer the experience when I open myself up freely and willingly ready to expand past known limits!

Yes - I want to learn how big Love can get. And I want to know how to give Love as a gift and how to receive it the same way. I want to witness Love in all situations and I want to charm and cox Love out of places one does not ordinarily expect to find Love. I want to know how many different kinds of Love there are and to know thier names and identify how each one of them feels. I want to see Love and feel Love and taste Love and create Love and hear, live and be Love.

Yes - how wonderful to be a student again, to have my eyes and heart wide open searching in earnest for the truth of Love in all things.

Now to find my teachers...


In a subject you know very well, can you see the merits of beginner's mind?

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Thursday, July 23, 2015

Just Fifty Feet Away

Ultima forsan. It's later than you think; literally, 'Perhaps the last'. These words are inscribed on some clocks to indicate that the moment of death; indeed, the moment of eternal judgment, may be at hand. The wise person treats every hour as though it were his/her last.

"We are just fifty feet away from the gate,"our pilot announced, "Just waiting for the way to be cleared. Thank you for your patience."

Just fifty feet, almost there but not really there. How interesting that I am finding myself waiting for this next new moment to arrive after almost three weeks on a European adventure. And, if you will indulge me here just a little bit, almost three years after losing my beloved husband to sudden illness - my personal GROUND ZERO - where I began creating something out of nothing.

A day earlier, I was under a bit of pressure, pressure I had created myself! You see my glorious trip was almost over and I had set things in motion by making a declaration. "This trip is my graduation present to myself." I told everyone this was so. "Things will really get going after I get back!" Now I am just fifty feet away from having to perform.

In waiting I feel anticipation and calmness mix into laughter. I am literally being held in place. I am suspended out farther than I have ever been from my old life while my gaze is caste ever forward. My body is condensed in this tin can waiting for the snap, click, fizz of an artisan's life to be opened and poured out upon the world. OK - can you tell I have been in flight for almost nine hours?

Still I am finding this idea of SUSPENSION is an illusion. It appears when we feel the weight of our past and the possibilities of our future combined with the lousy seat belts our minds use to tether us in place.

The bumpy parts are over and I am just fifty feet away from starting my new life. Having made my declaration I know I am prepared to move on.

But being just fifty feet away and having only a few sketchy plans in place I am wondering if I will actually follow through on them. 

"I have to do a lot," I tell myself. 

Or how about this, "I have a lot to do."

The shift in phrasing is subtle, but means loads to me - one who has come from ground zero to now.

For me rearranging these words makes me appreciate being pulled forward into a life of my choosing rather than being pushed ahead into a life fashioned by circumstance. I am grateful I have a lot to do. I am enthusiastic to get going at a pace that suits me well, arrives with joy and unfolds with ease.

I have come a long way to see myself here - just fifty feet away from the gate! And I am so grateful to be so close.

What pulls you forward?

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Wednesday, July 15, 2015

A Love Letter to Life

"Whatever satisfies the soul is truth." ~walt whitman 1819 -1892

As my sister goes off on an adventure to find and immerse herself in the new-to-her waters of the Mediterranean (thank god for spellcheck) I am content to stay close to home today, to listen hard to my soul's heart and to write this love letter to life.

Anything can become regular, even traipsing around France - when you do it long enough. Isn't that strange? It seems even an adventure collapses if you adventure all the time!

As I reflect on this Frenchy-French journey that is quickly coming to a close I am recognizing that among all the new and amazing things I have been a part of there is one constant, one thing that is neither new or old but always exciting. It is the Love I carry.

I carry with me always great Love for my sister who is my traveling companion. I carry new Love for the many friends I have made. And I carry with me constantly a Love of self which grounds and directs me.

These many Loves float me high above any situation. It is within the power of all these Loves combined I find confidence and joy to know all is well.

From within this Love I pay better attention to my own personal needs and find I am better able to recognize the needs of others. Winning for everyone is the prize from within this kind of Love.

And I am so grateful as I recognize - right now in this short moment - my soul's heart has become my own.

Where do you find love?

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Sunday, July 5, 2015

mon cœur chante





Sacredness is just around the corner. You must believe this to see it, then it starts showing up!

What is that thing that allows you to breathe more freely and love more fully? Can you envision the whole thing coming together just like you wish it to be - for your highest good and the highest good of others around you? Not to hold it static, but to experience it and let it go. And then to dream anew? For me this is IT! These days I cannot envision life unfolding otherwise. And so it is.

Dreams are my lever, my thrust, my place of contentment. Perchance to dream...why not?

For in dreams begin responsibility. 

In recognizing your specific dream - the desire of your heart - your sacred passion or plea for life - you must, I have found, make that dream come true lest you suffer it's abandonement and your demise.

The fear of not making our dreams come true is why so many of us do not even dare to dream I think.

May I suggest It is most true that the revealing of our sacred joys is the more daunting task, not the manifesting. Once revealed, I believe, our desires have a way of making themselves manifest.

I write this as one who is waking this morning in the heart of beauty, the provencal counrtyside in the south of France. A dream come true for me from a desire to seek beauty all around me. 

Was "the south of France" my original goal - heavens no! But here it is, none the less. The earth is singing Heaven's YES to me - my sacred yes - manifest around every corner. And for this I am truly grateful. My heart is singing!

What makes your heart sing?

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Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Where Does Momentum Come From?



I am becoming anew…again. In the past I was always thrown by the smallest of changes. Change made me annoyed...then angry...then quiet and sullen. After the offending new thing became old, my psyche would relax, the irritation would dissolve and I would begin a forced march toward acceptance.

Now I am grounded. My grounding is rooted in a new Truth - that change is all there is and nothing is permanent. Change has become the safest way to go and must never be denied. For suffering lies in the denying. 

Now I remind myself to stay BIG. When Judgement is running the show I am not worthy, I doubt and I blame. And sometimes fear trickles out of me on to my life when I play small. I catch my self now because I am paying attention. I know I can operate from a boundless spirit. Here I feel free and am allowed unlimited self expression. And my imagination gets to play. This limitless place says YES to joy, YES to creativity and YES to all compassionate reponses.

I am feeling ready for this next iteration. Like leaping off a cliff the momentum seizing me makes me willing to try new things, see if they fit, see if I have wings. 

As it happens I am traveling soon with my sister. She is my best friend in this world, she is supporting me and helping me remove my cocoon. 

What am I becoming, I don't know. When will I be it, I'm not certain. All I know is I am on my way…happily declaring a shift that has been a long time coming.

Can you feel it too?

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