"The wound is the place where the light enters you." ~rumi
I worked really hard on becoming numb in all the acceptable ways. I turned on the television and watched familiar shows until they just became color and noise. I ate and ate and ate until there was no more empty room left on the inside of me. At one point I even had things that I had put in my mouth coming out in the other direction. It just happened once, just when I coughed, just for a moment - nothing serious. So I actually dismissed it as an accident, a fluke, a freak occurrence and not as a manifestation of something 'needing to come up.' And then to make sure my numbing was complete I stayed up way too late.
This awareness is what I awoke to this AFTERNOON! Yes - it had worked, all my senses had congealed around me like some sallow dense stuff you rinse off a canned holiday ham. Only I am the ham! So aside from feeding the dog, doing the dishes and taking care of the bare minimum I am recovering from numbing myself so gorge-essly.
Why did I feel I had to again make sure I was not going to feel anything? What triggered this infatuation with sensory death?
Because I really wanted an answer I posed this question to that transcendent part of myself. The part of myself that sees farther and loves more deeply. I went home in my mind and to my heart and asked "why am I numbing myself again?"
To make space for the answer I had to wake up. So I used the wake up tools I had at my disposal - my own hands and my breath. By placing my hands gently on my heart and simultaneously breathing in slowly I sent a signal I meant business.
I have been doing this for three years now - this deliberate set of mannerisms. To be very specific the body gestures are breathing in deeply through my nose alone, consciously keeping my mouth closed and holding my heart space with my hands. I have trained myself to listen deeply in this manner.
At first is was simply a way to calm myself when great waves of pain and grief showed up. It helped me to accept a highly electrically charged moment and assisted me in moving the most difficult emotions along to their completion. In short this simple practice saved my life.
Over time, as uncertainty became a regular thing, I found I could count on this practice whenever I recognized some discomfort or a shift occurring. This "heart and breath thing" was a healing path between what was happening all around me and what was happening inside me.
This path has become a place. It is a sweet, warm and familiar source of comfort and calm. At the time I had no idea I was creating an opening to a trusted reservoir of new insights that would help me on my way toward real and transcendent growth.
This path is where my work gets done. Just like the way we go to work each day - horizontally on roads and streets, I travel this familiar path - vertically from form to spirit and back again, to help me do my work. The work of manifesting the best life I can imagine, one lived everyday in Joy and Ease.
So with hands in place, breath flowing and my eyes closed - did I mention closing the eyes? - it is to this trusted space I turned to see what's up with the numbing thing. And I am sure the answer will come. And I will grow some more!
Where do you go when you are awake?
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