Belonging

"When you appreciate yourself, you realize that you don't have to feel wretched or condemned. You don't have to artificially puff yourself up, either. You discover your basic dignity, which comes along with gentleness. You have always possessed this, but you may never have recognized it before. You don't have to be a egomaniac to appreciate yourself. In fact, you appreciate yourself more when you are free of the ugliness of that egotism, which is actually based on self-hatred. Look in the mirror. Appreciate yourself. You look beautiful in a simple, humble way. When you choose your clothes, when you comb your hair, when you take a shower, you are expressing an element of complete and fundamental goodness, wakefulness, and decency. There is an alternative to feeling condemned. You actually can make friends with yourself." ~Chogyam Trungpa

1249 days since my husband died and still healing is a foot! Still I comb the underbrush of my soul for answers…today I ask, "Where do I belong?"

Where can I lay down and be loved and accepted and feel vital and alive at the same time? 

This is where I belong!

I belong where I can live once again in ripeness and freedom, in nakedness without shame.

Why MUST I have just one fellow human to be this way with. Why is my 'where' so hard to find? 

Why is my belonging so important? What do I gain from where I belong?

Because when you belong to someone you feel connected and safe and warm. The idea of separation fades and ideas of love can be explored. I recall having this and I sure liked it a lot. I remember belonging...before. 

Now belonging has to be different because it just is. Though it has been the most painful work I have ever done, the loss of that old belonging has introduced me to other ideas about connection and love and safety I could have never visited before.

To be adrift belonging to no one. To skate on thin ice and melt upon the sun. To become while without another. To creep forward slowly on my hands and knees. To Trust the experience of pain enough to feel it fully while it surfaces and again as it passes away. To feel so connected yet so on my own. 

All of this is to come to 'where I belong.' All of this is the journey not just of a day, but of a lifetime. 

So I guess I have to be more patient...

What are you impatient for?

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A Simple Reminder...

“We can be thankful to a friend for a few acres or a little money; and yet for the freedom and command of the whole earth, and for the great benefits of our being, our life, health, and reason, we look upon ourselves as under no obligation.” ~marcus anneals seneca

...good health, a magnificent home, many loving friends, one ever faithful dog, a myriad of artistic gifts, intimately communicative family members, a colossal wanderlust for adventure, a boundless trust in the flow of life and an ever growing capacity to receive love.

It really does raise the vibration of the moment to write this shit down!


What are you waiting for?

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The Cycle of Knowing and Not Knowing

Summer has ended. 

Fall has just begun. 

Hurdling toward shortening daylight and the contraction of things 

today I am reminiscing about

contemplation.

NOW 

is a good time to plant.

Hibernating, then germinating in the darkness of uncertainty

with time and patience thoughts break open

up

through 

thawing grounds. 

Once their time has come there will be no stopping them. 

Of this I am certain.

Planning ahead in the NOW. Is there really such a thing?

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