Saturday, November 30, 2013

Pass the bread please

Self-Love is the bread of life.

Bread,  Original Watercolor by Linda Dallas                           \ http://www.appetite4art.com/linda_dallas_notecard_103.htm

I am getting used to taking care of myself again. I did it before I was married. A burst of tears erupts as missing Michael pushes forward. He had my back. Who has my back now asks my tears? I must have my own back. This does not sound like Self-Love. This sounds more like I am a Survivalist, separate and alone.

Read a great quote from some mystic recently, "I love you and it is no concern of yours." suggesting an awakened stance that love is formed from within and is meant to be given away. Are we not all connected and do we not all have lessons to share with one another? This is how Self-Love and the Survivalist come together.

Self-Love is essential because it is the place from which we must start. It is the love we have for ourselves that allows us to give love to others. It is the starter, as in a cherished bread dough. You always keep a bit of the 'mother' for yourself as you pass it on to others. As it is kept and given away, it expands and grows. 

Fermentation of love within yourself allows time for love to develop more fully. This in turn improves the longevity of love shared. And it creates greater complexities and depth of that love.

The Survivalist maintains the starter. Self-Love is the starter. It feeds all other possibilities. Pass the bread please.

How do you nourish yourself?


Tag You're It!

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

I will not sugar coat it for you




Look - I will not sugar coat it for you, if you will not sugar coat it for me. This is Authenticity. 

"Authentic carries a connotation of authoritative certification that an object is what it is claimed to be."   From dictionary.com

I can mostly be counted on to be authentic, except when I am unsure of myself, or if I am scared or if I am nervous or if I feel unsafe, or if I am living unconsciously. But in all other cases I am most definitely a genuine and real person.
 
All one needs to do is throw others off the scent with a couple of “not so real cues” and if they are following you…are you following me...we have thrown them (and ourselves) off track. No good can come of this. Anything sugar coated or affected, for whatever reason, will be at best a pale echo of our selves and at worst an oddly shaped mass without any reference to who we really are. We are then just a stiff wind, a good downpour, or an army of ants away from havoc, ruination and carnage. No wonder we are so nervous to share our bone fide selves!

I have lived this life of being 'what I needed to become' to get what I thought I wanted. I have even moved mountains to make things happen exactly as I thought they should. My 11 years on the road as a stand up comedienne is proof positive of my earth moving skills. And in the end, like all tales of the misbegotten – great word meaning unlawfully obtained or badly conceived – I was not where I wanted to be.
  
But the great news is I can move mountains! I can create what I want to demostrate in my life. I am a powerful and sensitive creature with love and law on my side. Just got to do it from a more authentic place this time.

 

Does the word authority have any relation to authentic? How about author, is this a distant cousin to them both? I often struggle with my own authority. Who am I? What right do I have? Authority refers to rankings, officialness and control. How often do I feel I rank right up there or have control? And I am most certainly NEVER official about anything. I hold no office which says so.
 
 

Authenticity means genuine, actual, real.

Authority means power, force, official.

Author means writer, progenitor, equivalent to aug (ere) to increase (see augment).

Augment means to make larger, raise a half step.

It turns out that though they share similar letters their origins are not really related…unless you are me. I see a definite connection between being authentic and that giving me the authority to share my real self as an author. But most telling is the final word which
describes the canopy under which I create – Augment - to make larger, to raise a half step. 

This feels soooo right.  


What feels very right to you?

Tag You're It!
 

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Like never before



Even though I am just a confused as ever, I am ready now to find right work. And I choose a project with soul in mind…one that directly conjures higher expansion.

I came across a term recently that grabbed my attention -  "The bardos." Bardo is a Tibetan word which literally means "in-between." and connotes the wisdom of uncertainty. It includes the 
transitional states of birth, death, dream, reincarnation or afterlife, meditation, and spiritual lightness of being. The term bardo can also be used metaphorically to describe times when our usual way of life becomes suspended. In the bardo I recognize myself.

What comes after the bardo?


Finding right work. 


Our work is a reflection of self, a means of loving ourselves and others, our place in the world. My work will both satisfy the very root of my being and be a tribute somehow to Michael and our life together. Whatever my intention for my life, I want my work to be both simple... and grand. 


But my vision is constrained. It is bound by context, experience and belief. Am I setting a trap for myself by aiming beyond what I can currently know? Or have I been living in a trap - in only that which appears to be attainable? 


What you see is what you get. I can see what is directly in front of me. I can see what I can conjure in my imagination. But from my transitional space as I aspire to higher expression, how can I CAUSE expansion of what I believe possible? 


My Opus awaits, my Love awaits, my next chapter awaits. I declare the cat out of the bag, the chips fallen, the dust settled, the chickens well roosted at home, the carpetbaggers welcome and fed, the clowns out of the car and my sweet lover kissed goodnight. 

What Truth do you declare for yourself?


Tag You're It!

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

A more open heart




The mind putters about, while the heart knows. The mind juggles while the heart contains. I am placing my heart upfront to filter all that comes my way today. 

I awoke heavily affected. What is happening here? I want that free flow and connected feeling please, not this curio shop filled with matter and transactions entangled with feelings and dreams. All these concerns were popped up in front of my eyes and my mind holding me captive before I even start my day! This will not do.

Settling into a focused and mindful state, I made my choice. I decided to let go of all the questions, the problems, the mind's rat's nests and flowers. This choice was all it took and my awareness of all that the mind projected upon my life dropped away.  My decision immediately emptied the carousel of the projector leaving just a bright white light. The muck of my existence was gone. Instantly I felt within my heart again. Recognizing being inside pulled me in even further. It made me want to stay seated in my more open heart. 

For some reason meditating with a "more" open heart seemed better than mediating with just a plain 'ol open heart.  I am sure it is because the "more" open heart presupposed an already open heart which made widening it's opening an even simpler affair.

I stayed in this place as long as I could then shifted back to the morning and it's requirements. But I am taking this place with me. And when adversity, large or small, jumps in my path I will recall this lesson. Stop. Breathe. And be in gratitude for the opportunity to learn and grow. 

Being stopped in my tracks like this is very familiar to me. I have been here before. I know I don't like it and now I know a better way. I got a "Get out of Jail Free" card. We all do. But the card is no good unless we use it!

What is in your way today?

Tag You're It!






Friday, November 15, 2013

Love, onesize fits all...BIG!

When I was younger, before I found Love, I only knew the empty space where Love was not. I walked around throwing everything at the empty space. Some things made it in, some did not. I came close a few times, a few boys, a few men, even a career temporarily filled me up. 

But when my husband and I met we found ourselves within each other's Love. The process was gradual. Our commitment to each other's well-being grew strong. We fed each others strengths and held one another during the hardest of times. Until two summers ago...when I held my Love for the last time. 

Now my awareness of Love has leveled up. It had to. Michael's life was a substantial introduction to Love. His Death was the consummate master class. I thought he took his love with him. And in a way he did. I no longer could touch Love with my hands or see Love with my eyes. But I realize now his love was proof of Love. It was a FLASH of a much more vast incorporeal reservoir of Love.  

Reservoir of Love...who knew this Big Love even existed?  Discovering this Big Love is like hitting the lottery. It is actually better as it can never be taken away. It is an endless supply that keeps you warm at night, keeps your sights set high and keeps you from doing desperate things --- like giving your power away.

My Big Love has me knowing I am brightly and boldly designed to withstand most anything. Big Love deems me worthy... just because. And you can be sure you have your own reservoir of Big Love...as we are all designed brightly and boldly. We are all worthy...just because. 

It is a wonderful thing to demonstrate your own true value. Knowing I can freely go to the safe space in my heart and withdraw what I need for the day is a revelation! I can take extra out to give to a friend in need. And from within Big Love I see Big Love in others. 

Sometimes something happens and I slip back toward a place where I cannot get in. And I cannot remember my password - no matter how hard I try. But when I am paying attention or just when I am ready I take the long walk back. Back to that peaceful place, the center of my heart, where I do not need a password. Then Big Love beckons to me!

Big Love is always there. The process is gradual. When you allow it, it feeds your strengths and holds you during the hardest of times. "All is well. I am here." it says. " I love you more than I ever have and nothing can ever change that." 



When I settle into this warm and open place I feel relief. Soon I begin to feel my courage and power return. 

Then I begin again.

What is your love story? 
 
Tag You're It!

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Far-Fetched Ideas

"That is a REALLY far-fetched idea," she was told by someone somewhere once upon a time. But who cares. It is a place to start. If we hold back in our imaginary places we are lost... without hope or at least moving forward only within our existing paradigms.  

Paradigm: Origin: 1475–85;  Late Latin paradīgma  < Greek parádeigma>  pattern 
(verbid of paradeiknýnai  to show side by side), equivalent to para- para-1  + deik-,  base of deiknýnai  to show (see deictic) + -ma  noun suffix

And while your existing patterns may be fine, if we are living consciously, we can examine these patterns. We can begin to pick and choose that which we enjoy and begin to discard the routines that no longer serve our evolving selves. 

Why not? I am sorry, have we something to lose here? Yes we do. Our crutches, our sleep walking ways, our corral which fences us in keeping us in the comfortable familiar place  looking always toward the ground and not the sky.

I will begin today by reminding myself of the good things I have collected in my life. We are a collection of what we love, are we not?  Here are the things I love...





The Beach, 
The dog, 
The children of friends,
The friends, 
The warm bed, 
The out reached hand, 
The clever word play,
The well painted eye of a rooster,
The deep and far reaching conversation,  
The love of a good man, 
The satisfied rolling over after a magnificent union, 
The morning light shining through neon tangerine and orange leaves, 
The walk to exercise my body and relieve my mind,
The far flung pass to the almost out of bounds receiver, 
The crunch of a crisp green salad with a vibrant homemade green goddess dressing, 
The completion of a task long avoided
The sun  - in any position in the sky, 
The low slung large harvest moon, 
The songs that make my eyes tear up or my body want to dance and 
The tears and the pee caused by uncontrollable laughter shared with anyone else who wants to play along.

This collection of lovely fragments and wisps remind me of who I am. Perhaps these Truths are the first step to revealing my deepest desires?  Finger's crossed. 

Today I will follow those feelings that tell me what I love and what I can do without from now on!

What is on your list?

Tag You're It!







 

Monday, November 11, 2013

Fabricating a Life






When I was sick, before Michael died, he would make me a cup of tea if I asked him to. Not anymore. And when I was sick and he came to bed, if he saw I had scarfed one of his pillows he would say plainly, "Come on - give it up." And he would take it from me when I was reluctant to do so. Not anymore. So I have to make my own tea now. But I get all the pillows! Just a peek into my memory bank about Michael and our life together. If you are scoring - seems like a wash. But of course, it is not that simple. Wish it was. Day-to-day I think, "who I am...now?"

I did not experience it like that at first. Death of a spouse, at first, was just so much swamp to be moved through. So much heavy, thick and somber muck to be cleared. And it was relentless. Day and night, inside and outside, close and far away - something was always calling to be cut away, signed for, or hugged and cherished.  And in the beginning there was so much to do and so many folks to help. We got through it.

Now it seems I am more settled into my game. Things are in there right places and friends have moved on. Not away from me necessarily, just back into their own lives, their regular routines. I can be trusted to handle things by myself now. Though I still ask for help when I need it. And I have made new friends!

So here I am, creating a new life. I know...it sounds so daunting. Funny thing too - I just realized -  I do not recall ever doing this before. I know I made choices and I ended up in places where I met people and I did things. But looking back, none of it seemed to be so deliberate. At least not as deliberate as it is now. What's up with that? Is it normal to be so carefully pondering each piece of that life as I fashion this new one? Is this new life not made of whole cloth? Living consciously is the difference, I think.

In aiming to live consciously I am coming to learn how to ask for what I want. And at the same time I am defiantly learning Acceptance of what is. Doing these two things in concert is a gift. Doing these two things in concert intertwines my own true nature with the true nature of that which is Universal. Back and forth I go, traveling between Acceptance and Desire. Sometimes feeling deep pain and sorrow. And sometimes I move with Grace and ease. What makes the difference here? It just depends on how awake I am to the moment.

Living intentionally with both Acceptance and Desire is a struggle. But it is these opposing forces which chug the cogs on the wheel of life forward. It is this shuttling back and forth between the two that weaves us into eternity. The minutes tick by, the kettle boils and the standard falls. Consciousness just naturally oscillates in character. This has really bugged me in the past. "Why can't I stay awake more?"  Now I know it is OK. It is just the natural warp and weft of the fabric of life. Acceptance has cleared the way for fabricating a life made up from my deepest desires. Can't wait to see what those will be...

What is hard for you to Accept?


Tag You're It!

Friday, November 8, 2013

In the stillness I remain...for now





In the stillness I remain until my song is ready to be sung. That is what 'Course in Miracles lady' said when I inquired about the nature of Grief. She spoke freely about the nature of Anger during her brief workshop. But she said not a word about Grief until I approached her afterward. She said, "Like Anger, Grief is natural. First we must feel the Grief, then there is Stillness, then your Song emerges." Quite pithy - huh? 

Well it has been some time now. Past are the blankets of Grief that covered me head-to-toe for weeks at a time. Now. like Coca Cola and Pepsi, I am feeling sorrow and melancholy in a variety of flavors and strengths. Whenever Grief shows up today, like Mark Nepo writes, "I become water. I let everything rinse its grief in me and reflect back as much light as I can." So it appears that Stillness is the more dominate state here and now.


You wouldn't think so, but being Still is damn challenging too. There exists this friction between wanting so much to move forward and seeming to be not moving at all. This Stillness is not because I am under resourced, under supported, beholden to anyone, or tied to any particular place. Nope - got plenty of Freedom. What I require is DIRECTION. 

I am neutral. I am Switzerland. I am Bud Lite, hospital food, Muzak, a politician running unopposed for office - I got no enthusiasm! I catch glimpses of it when I meet a fine man or create a fine meal or painting but these are not the stuffs I wish to build my new life upon.

Until my next chapter's motivation is revealed I am industrious. I do the busy work of Stillness. Like a toddler's day in preschool the work is important and foundational and elemental. 

In the morning we have painting, then we study metaphysics. Then lunch and playtime. Playtime is essential! Recess ends with a story and nap time, after which there is a snack. Then we explore another activity. All activities, if not educational, are at least FUN. 

I am not the best scheduler, which has me upset some times. And occasionally I pass judgement on myself or the days curriculum or lack there of. "If I could just get on with it!, I say to myself. But this is futile. If I could I would, just got no road map right now. 

But when I choose to take a loving and kind view of myself I find little hints here and there whispering to me about intuition being crucial in the next iteration of Lani 3.0. And great stores of power and love within me. And vast creative juices which cannot help but flow thru me. And perhaps I can help others in some way too? 

I know my direction will reveal itself when the time is best. But how long must we wait! Fa-La-Fuckin-La! Where is my damn song?


What causes you to throw a tantrum?

Tag You're It!








Tuesday, November 5, 2013

"So what do you do?"





Contemplating how to answer the question, "So what do you do?"I can say any number of things. "I am an artist. I am on sabbatical. I am on an artistic pleasure cruise. I am healing from a great loss. I am recovering after my husband's death." 

The Truth is "I spend my time lifting the veil from my consciousness... and you?" Not good fodder for a casual conversation...or a first date.  

What does that mean anyway..."lifting the veil from my consciousness?"

Imagine this. You are at sea on a trip you never intended. And getting your bearings takes a great deal of effort. You have no idea of where your headed or the length of your journey. You recall what being on solid ground used to feel like. And you anticipate docking ---at some port ---some day - but are confident of nothing else.  


Each day presents itself anew. Some mornings are fresh and unspoiled by conditions of the past so you feel "free" to chart your course as you choose. Other AMs roll you in tar and feathers and insist you just take it like a man. How would you approach this circumstance? 


Somedays I am awake and I make deliberate choices. Others days I allow my feelings to have free reign. Either way I am adrift in a ocean of me-me-me grasping too tightly... and sometimes... letting go. I am told this self-absorption is to be expected in cases like mine. But REALLY isn't there an expiration date on this "navel gazing?"

I do see some progress though. I am experiencing a great deal of ACCEPTANCE these days. And there is also a more robust center of gravity that is being developed ---which helps my cause. This new-ish internal gyroscope is being built within me. It invites me to balance things out more easily. 

Still no itinerary. Still no destination. But lots of budding awarenesses to make note of --- like Darwin, uncovering Origin of Species. 


So how do you answer this question,  "What do you do?"


Tag You're It!