Lessons from the Farm

"…before a dream is realized, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way. It does this not because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we've learned as we've moved toward that dream." ~from The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

Perhaps everybody knows these 3 things, but they were never explained to me so viscerally or so well as they were today!

Ask and you will receive. 

Walking past Flash, the dark brown and white speckled pony who is second in line in the pecking order between Tophat and Skippy, I was not focused on him there in the side pasture. I was focused on the six slips of hay I needed to get and dispense in the back pasture on this gray blue December day. So no mind was paid to Flash and his water barrel. After getting the hay in all the right places and on my coat and fat wool knitted scarf, Flash had not budged from his barrel to go eat. I took note and fed the goats. 

Suddenly there was no question what Flash wanted to see happen. Oh so that's the reason the blue barrel is lashed twice round the fence post. Wordlessly he was knocking the thing again and again so I Iet him know I hear you, "OK, OK...I get it...must put water in the empty water barrel NOW!" Requiring confirmation he did not leave his post to get his breakfast until he saw with his own pony's eyes the barrel and hose joined and the water flowing.  Ask and you will receive. The farm taught me this. 

Make every step count. 

Watching a 60 gallon barrel become full...just watching it is a gift. Resting there with intermittent rays of sunlight noiselessly raking the pasture, the peace of that moment was unmistakably given and received. 

Looking back at Flash's barrel, I worked out the time. Not clock time. Not the time to catch a bus or to meet a date. I needed to know the best approximate interval to begin walking, walking around the goat pen past the garage through the stone gate on to the muddy patch and beyond the guinea hen's squawk to get to the pump to turn the off the water that was currently filling the bucket. 

Figuring in real time this distance and pace to walk so I can shut off the hose at that exact perfect moment the bucket is filled is my kind of fun! I love this soft squishy numberless calculus involving just woman and foot and practical physics. When I got back to the barrel it appeared I had done it. We were all filled up, Flash and me, he with his water and me with my Joy! Make every step count. The farm taught me this.

Turn it off at the source. 

Flowing water is a must around here. A hose with many junctions provides flow all over the farm. The cutting off of the flow at the source would eliminate extra work and avoid unwanted complications. Turn the water off at the source, not at a junction otherwise you will just have to do it again and again until you get it right. Turn it off at the source. The farm taught me this.

So glad I got up this am. Seems nature and the animals are full of the Truth of Life. And so grateful I am awake and studying - never know when I will be tested again!

What teaches you stuff?

Tag You're it!

Pumpkin Bread

He loved Pumpkin Bread. He loved a lot of specific things. He knew what he liked because after much living and much thinking about living he made a point to extract the wheat from the chaff. He knew by practical experimentation which things worked best and he held tight to those things. 

So I always knew what to expect. I always knew where things stood for him and with us. And even though, at the time, it was occasionally frustrating - his certainty, his precision, his discipline - there was an awful lot of comfort in his smart, steady and well reasoned ways.

Now, since his death, my husband's quirky and concrete preferences are landmarks in time. So often, when I come across "the right hanger" or I again "hang the towels his way" in the bathroom so they dry fast and well, I smile. But sometimes these things, like this speciality bread at the beginning of Fall, break-my-heart-all-over-again. 

No sense in avoiding it, so I just let it come. Once Iit, it races up from my heart straight out my eyes like how brush fires hop fences in a robust wind. I think about how I have no napkins to wipe my tears here in the cafe. And how I should have some sunglasses to hide my swollen eyes. 

Thoughts act as a break dousing the thing. The more I think the more things improve.

I have lots to do today and lots to look forward to. Lots of new beginnings and exciting changes going on! And just as I know every moment is sacred, I also know this moment will pass. Some new thing will happen and this event too will become the past.

Fire now out, smoke and char remain. But I keep it together. And I move on…

Have you tasted the Pumpkin Bread at La Farm French Bakery? Oh you must, it is sooooo delicious! 

Why can't we live fully with joy - no matter what?

Tag You're It!

non-judgmental awareness

"The present moment is filled with joy and happiness. If you are attentive, you will see it." ~thich nhat hahn

Ahhhhhh - to be in non-judgmental awareness is a lovely vacation of sorts. It is a getaway from the push and pull of things. When I am here all that crosses my "virtual desk of life" is not labeled or catogorized or responded to...only experienced as exactly what it is in it's wholeness. In that moment I am the witness.

Not an easy task I realize, but a fun game to play. The apparatus I find most useful in getting there is an open heart. With my heart wide open things expand in their meaning and I find insights in the most common of things.  When I can be in this space life gets larger and is more path-worthy. It is in non-judgmental awareness I find myself more strongly attuned to those subtler senses of intuition & perception.

This all reminds me of the beginning credits in old movies. This movie was filmed in CinemaScope. Not really sure what Cinemascope means, but for me it feels like the picture will be bigger and better than I had ever experienced in the past. 

This life was "lived in Non-JudgmentalAwareness." 

That can only be good - right?

Tag You're It!

Going Deep

Everything starts with awareness. 

You can choose to be aware in any moment. 

Every moment is a new beginning. 

There are a myriad of moments and new beginnings in every day. 

This is one recipe for unlimited possibilities. 

On your mark. 

Get set. 

GO!

What is your first reaction to these ideas?

Tag You're It!

Normalization?

Life is beginning to make itself fuller with more activities to choose from. I am told this is how ABUNDANCE shows up! With these happenings I begin to wade back into the stream of life.

But I want to be mindful as the waters rise. Dog paddling through meaningless minutia is NOT part of this girl's plan. So I have been searching for a way to stay connected to that thing deep within me that is connected to everything else. For when I reside here the effect is truly calming and clarifying.

Recently I read about a practice called "Sadhana." I think this may be a good solution. Gonna try it and will report back later!

"Sadhana means "endeavoring to obtain a particular result." The result is accelerated spiritual evolution. Sadhana becomes a powerful method to achieve this result. There are three important aspects of sadhana: choice, commitment and aspiration. 

The first stage of sadhana is to choose a practice. Even the most simple sadhana will be challenging to the newcomer. Consider the sadhana of lighting a candle every night, then immediately blowing it out. Nothing more or nothing less. Do this for ninety days. You will observe the mind coming up with every reason why you shouldn't do it and every excuse why you missed a few (or many) nights. Yet by accepting it as a sadhana, you make a choice to do it and it becomes a spiritual practice. 

The second aspect of sadhana relates to regularity -- doing something at periodic intervals. This typically would be at the same time in the same place everyday. Yet it doesn't have to be everyday; it could be every other day or every Tuesday and Thursday, as long as it is regular. Doing practice irregularly is not sadhana. Once the schedule is selected, the challenge of sadhana is to stick with it -- not to miss the appointed time. This is the first measure of commitment. The second measure is to make a commitment for a specific period of time; that is, choose do the practice for thirty days, sixty days, ninety days, or even 108 days. Notice the level of your success, then take a break. Decide upon another practice (or the same one) and make another commitment. 

Choice and regularity are not the only aspects of sadhana. If they were, simply dressing every day would be a sadhana. We choose what clothes to wear and we do it. Dressing could be a sadhana, yet it is just a mechanical action done every day. 

Thus, the final key to a successful sadhana is conscious intention. This is where the power is generated, and more still, when the intention becomes an aspiration. When I first started my sadhana, I chose a simple action, that of the yogic practice of "neti", the washing of the nostrils with water. I had been doing yoga for many years but never as a sadhana. I had even been doing kriya practice for about a year, but never as a sadhana. I chose "neti" because every morning I took a shower in a typically mechanical way. Since I was immersed in streams of water, it became a convenient place and time to remember to do "neti". Besides, snorting water is one good way to shock the mechanism awake. 

For this to be a sadhana, however -- rather than just another cleansing action like washing behind the ears -- intention was necessary. The one I chose, the one I still employ in all the practices of my sadhana today, is represented by the simple statement: 'This is all I have to do to evolve spiritually.' Other variations included: 'This is the only practice I must do to spiritually grow.' 'This is the only act that I need to do to develop as a spiritual being.' With those words not only was an intention created around the practice, but an aspiration. 

For one moment each day, I became consciously aware of having a spiritual goal, of being a spiritual being. Consider once again the candle exercise cited above. Initially, it will challenge the mind and the ego. The spiritual 'you' may even win the battle, but to keep it from becoming mechanical, an intention is required. Try this variation. Light the candle. Say, 'This is all I have to do for the benefit of self, other, and the world.' Then blow out the candle. 

Doing no other practice than this will begin a transformation process that will alter your life. To add even more power behind it, consider this statement, 'This is all I have to do to remember who I am; I remember this for the benefit of Self, Other, and the World.' One immediate result of sadhana is the remembrance of 'who we are' rather than 'what we are' during the brief moments the sadhana takes. Repetitively remembering our inner essence nature is at the heart of all spiritual growth. One day we will remember our spiritual essence in every moment. That is the realized state. 

So start with a simple sadhana to build your confidence. Add another sadhana in addition to this one. Expand a sadhana to include many practices including yoga or other bodily movement, chanting or inner mantra, and kriya practice." ~Alan Verdegraal

How do you stay connected? Are you connected?

Tag You're It!

Asking the Mask a Few Questions

Where did you come from - this mask of mine? Are you planning on staying long? What purpose do you serve? Can I see underneath? How many others do I allow to peek? 

When you showed up was I aware of your coming or did you slide slowly onto my face as lichen attaches to shale living out it's life near a stream? 

Does your crust build up until all that is me becomes flat and featureless? Or are you so thinly layed down that the slightest breeze produces puffs of me floating on air? Perhaps our husks wax and wane according to circumstance? 

Today I honor this mask of mine however it came into being. It is born of me. It is a real appendage. It is made in my image and faces forward out into the world.

Whether I chose this mask or it just happened upon me, now that I am conscious of it's being I can use it how I like when I like and where I like. For it is part of who I am...and who I am not.

What purpose does your mask serve?

Tag You're It!

Get Busy Livin'

"Life presses upon us, forever challenging us with new forms of vitality that threaten the status quo which feels so good with its stability and peace. Religions seem to hate Pan and his vitality. Often, they prefer the death principle. Let things be as they always have been. No intrusions of vitality, please. I think that people in general are more afraid of living than of dying." ~Thomas Moore

It does not get more plain and to the point. "Vitality" is a very tricky word. Broken apart it's root is VITAL. What is vital in a life is air, water, food...all the Maslovian basics. But "Vitality" also connotes the energy that undergirds sexuality, pleasure and all things joyful.

Strange that one word would suggest two such diverse ends of a spectrum. Unless, as Thomas suggested, the enjoying of basic needs - air, water and food - with the same passion and pleasure that sexuality affords is in effect an expression of Spirituality.

We have all heard tell of that person who ENJOYS life. We have seen that person in movies and read of her in books. I have always held her in high esteem. And have always (until now) subconsciously wanted to be like her. To take a bite out of life, to take pleasure in pleasure freely and without apology. 

Frankly I've had my moments. My birthday last year was one. I was suffering the fairly recent death of my husband and turning the culturally charged age of 50 at the same time. How does one go through this without feeling massive amounts of pain? 

Well it was a miracle. Amazing Grace, and my sister, placed me in a place and among loving people. And as the bewitching hour approached I found myself dancing with complete abandon. My body flung itself iinto action, rhythmically pulsating and gyrating and bending and twisting with great joy and ease. "I" was lost and "I" was found at the same time. 

This was a gift of great proportions which I will never forget. Oh and being 50, by the way, boy oh boy was I SORE afterwards! 

So I get what Thomas is asking us to explore and embrace - if we can. I am so grateful for this lesson at this time in my life. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!

"Get busy livin' or get busy dyin'." What movie is that from?

Tag You're It!

Tête-à-Tête

"Beauvoir lent Maheu a recent English novel she had enjoyed, The Green Hat, by Michael Arlen. She admired its independent heroine, Iris Storm. Maheu did not. 'I have no liking for women of easy virtue,' he told her. 'Much as I like a woman to please me, I find it impossible to respect any woman I've had.' Beauvoir was indignant. 'One does not HAVE an Iris Storm!"

Oh how I enjoy radiant and robust tete-a-tete between two people! It's all an illusion you know - even the good stuff. When I got that, a hard place to get to by the way, I felt a brief moment of peace. 

When I experience flow, when I am in it without observing or over thinking - eternity is at hand. I am awake. It is only as I move to another moment which interrupts that little hop in my step and makes me look behind, I SEE I was happy and myself again back there, in that place with those people in that circumstance. God that felt good!

Increasing these moments, my awareness of them and their duration really should be a priority. But alas, I have no real control. But I can recognize that they do happen now and again and live in their mist and love that they exist. I can allow joy and peace and love into my life. I can set the mark by my intentions. How they manifest is not my concern.

To joy and my journey forward - effortlessly allowing what is. Like ice cream, moments melt away too quickly. But the ice cream man will ring his bell again and all us kids will come running to greet his truck, money in hand ready again to purchase... Pure Happiness.

"Don't think of yourself as an intestinal tract and a tangle of nerves in the skull, that will not work unless you drink coffee. Think of yourself as incandescent power, illuminated perhaps and forever talked to by God and his messengers... Think if Tiffany's made a mosquito, how wonderful we would think it was!"
~ Brenda Ueland 
 

Don't think of yourself as an intestinal tract and tangle of nerves in the skull, that will not work unless you drink coffee. Think of yourself as incandescent power, illuminated perhaps and forever talked to by God and his messengers.... Think if Tiffany's made a mosquito, how wonderful we would think it was!
Read more at http://quotes.dictionary.com/dont_think_of_yourself_as_an_intestinal_tract#ATk7wE2IMraOoQMK.99

Don't think of yourself as an intestinal tract and tangle of nerves in the skull, that will not work unless you drink coffee. Think of yourself as incandescent power, illuminated perhaps and forever talked to by God and his messengers.... Think if Tiffany's made a mosquito, how wonderful we would think it was!

Read more at http://quotes.dictionary.com/dont_think_of_yourself_as_an_intestinal_tract#ATk7wE2IMraOoQMK.99

Don't think of yourself as an intestinal tract and tangle of nerves in the skull, that will not work unless you drink coffee. Think of yourself as incandescent power, illuminated perhaps and forever talked to by God and his messengers.... Think if Tiffany's made a mosquito, how wonderful we would think it was!

Read more at http://quotes.dictionary.com/dont_think_of_yourself_as_an_intestinal_tract#ATk7wE2IMraOoQMK.99"

Why not choose happiness?

Tag You're It!

Allowing the Now

Was it courageous for Michael to choose not to seek treatment? Was it courageous for me to be by his side and help him as his illness ran the table? Not knowing if we had 6 weeks or 6 months - it was a time of uber conscious living in the Now.

After making his choice, Michael worked half days. Passing off his life's work to others was important to him. He wanted it done right. After about a week he could no longer drive and took to our bed. He was fairly self sufficient and I continued to work. About a week later I received this email, "You will have to make sure to be home to let the hospice nurse in at 5:30. I can't make it down the stairs anymore. I am sorry."

Things were moving quickly, but we did have enough time to plan an open house. Lisa, my best friend, and her husband came down from Baltimore. We also got help from good friends Jen and Tim along with my sister Alice and Michael's brother Andrew. It was a good thing too. 138 people showed up! There was a line that started at the staircase, ran down the hall into the kitchen and out the back door. Jen became 'the hostess' so folks did not have to wait in line. She made a list and sent folks upstairs in groups of 5 and 6. 

And there was lots of food!  It was so crowded Lisa was trapped at the kitchen sink. She told me later that at one point she had to go to the bathroom but couldn't make it out of the kitchen. So she just kept doing dishes and after a while, she said, "It just went away!" I was not really aware of any of this at the time. I generally stayed by Mike's side, in our bedroom, making sure he had an advocate with him at all times during this, what my sister was now calling, a "Living Wake". 

Michael was in total control that day. He passed on his meds to make sure he would be present for everyone. As 3:00 approached, our cut off time for all visitors, Michael asked how many were left. About 15 we told him. "Send them up in two groups," he commanded. "I want to make sure everybody gets seen." After the last group left I took a private moment to clean him up and give him his morphine. He wanted to thank everyone personally for their help so he asked the 7 of us to come up and be with him as he fell asleep. I asked him how he thought the day went. Michael thought for a long moment. "It was like a real tough football game...but we won." 

"Get some rest." I told him. "You don't have to do anything else. It is all done. I love you." "I love you too," he said as he slipped off to sleep. That was Saturday. He slept straight thru Sunday. On Monday, after Alice and I changed his sheets, I kissed Michael and told him I loved him.  "I love you too", he said. These words seemed to come from another place. Not from Michael. Not from this room. "Alice, did you hear that?"  We were amazed as we wept. Somehow we both knew these might be his last words. The next day Michael died.

Einstein said, 

"I think the most important question facing humanity is, ‘Is the universe a friendly place?’ This is the first and most basic question all people must answer for themselves." 

  

Even after the sudden loss of my husband to illness - call me Anne Frank - I still believe the universe is a friendly place. Just like I made sure my husband was totally supported and loved, I believe, when we work with it, the force that governs our universe does the same for us!

Yes,  I grieve daily. But everyday I am grateful for a more mature understanding of Love and for the unconditional Trust that are now part of my being.

Ours was not a special brand of Courage. We had only an average every day every man's kind of Courage. We had the Courage to chose to allow the present moment to just unfold...without judgments and without expectations. We had the Courage to give up the need to know what tomorrow looks like

You don't have to have a terminal illness to be Courageous. I believe if you choose to live in Einstein's friendly universe and from this you begin to cultivate an unconditional Trust that you are always safe and all your needs will always be met you will be living a Courageous life.

What kind of Universe do you live in?

Tag You're It!

Is the Universe Friendly?

--by Albert Einstein (May 07, 2012)

Listen To Reading!

What kind of universe do you live in?


Tag Your It!

Love, onesize fits all...BIG!

When I was younger, before I found Love, I only knew the empty space where Love was not. I walked around throwing everything at the empty space. Some things made it in, some did not. I came close a few times, a few boys, a few men, even a career temporarily filled me up. 

But when my husband and I met we found ourselves within each other's Love. The process was gradual. Our commitment to each other's well-being grew strong. We fed each others strengths and held one another during the hardest of times. Until two summers ago...when I held my Love for the last time. 

Now my awareness of Love has leveled up. It had to. Michael's life was a substantial introduction to Love. His Death was the consummate master class. I thought he took his love with him. And in a way he did. I no longer could touch Love with my hands or see Love with my eyes. But I realize now his love was proof of Love. It was a FLASH of a much more vast incorporeal reservoir of Love.  

Reservoir of Love...who knew this Big Love even existed?  Discovering this Big Love is like hitting the lottery. It is actually better as it can never be taken away. It is an endless supply that keeps you warm at night, keeps your sights set high and keeps you from doing desperate things --- like giving your power away.

My Big Love has me knowing I am brightly and boldly designed to withstand most anything. Big Love deems me worthy... just because. And you can be sure you have your own reservoir of Big Love...as we are all designed brightly and boldly. We are all worthy...just because. 

It is a wonderful thing to demonstrate your own true value. Knowing I can freely go to the safe space in my heart and withdraw what I need for the day is a revelation! I can take extra out to give to a friend in need. And from within Big Love I see Big Love in others. 

Sometimes something happens and I slip back toward a place where I cannot get in. And I cannot remember my password - no matter how hard I try. But when I am paying attention or just when I am ready I take the long walk back. Back to that peaceful place, the center of my heart, where I do not need a password. Then Big Love beckons to me!

Big Love is always there. The process is gradual. When you allow it, it feeds your strengths and holds you during the hardest of times. "All is well. I am here." it says. " I love you more than I ever have and nothing can ever change that." 

When I settle into this warm and open place I feel relief. Soon I begin to feel my courage and power return. 

Then I begin again.

What is your love story? 
 
Tag You're It!

Fabricating a Life

When I was sick, before Michael died, he would make me a cup of tea if I asked him to. Not anymore. And when I was sick and he came to bed, if he saw I had scarfed one of his pillows he would say plainly, "Come on - give it up." And he would take it from me when I was reluctant to do so. Not anymore. So I have to make my own tea now. But I get all the pillows! Just a peek into my memory bank about Michael and our life together. If you are scoring - seems like a wash. But of course, it is not that simple. Wish it was. Day-to-day I think, "who I am...now?"

I did not experience it like that at first. Death of a spouse, at first, was just so much swamp to be moved through. So much heavy, thick and somber muck to be cleared. And it was relentless. Day and night, inside and outside, close and far away - something was always calling to be cut away, signed for, or hugged and cherished.  And in the beginning there was so much to do and so many folks to help. We got through it.

Now it seems I am more settled into my game. Things are in there right places and friends have moved on. Not away from me necessarily, just back into their own lives, their regular routines. I can be trusted to handle things by myself now. Though I still ask for help when I need it. And I have made new friends!

So here I am, creating a new life. I know...it sounds so daunting. Funny thing too - I just realized -  I do not recall ever doing this before. I know I made choices and I ended up in places where I met people and I did things. But looking back, none of it seemed to be so deliberate. At least not as deliberate as it is now. What's up with that? Is it normal to be so carefully pondering each piece of that life as I fashion this new one? Is this new life not made of whole cloth? Living consciously is the difference, I think.

In aiming to live consciously I am coming to learn how to ask for what I want. And at the same time I am defiantly learning Acceptance of what is. Doing these two things in concert is a gift. Doing these two things in concert intertwines my own true nature with the true nature of that which is Universal. Back and forth I go, traveling between Acceptance and Desire. Sometimes feeling deep pain and sorrow. And sometimes I move with Grace and ease. What makes the difference here? It just depends on how awake I am to the moment.

Living intentionally with both Acceptance and Desire is a struggle. But it is these opposing forces which chug the cogs on the wheel of life forward. It is this shuttling back and forth between the two that weaves us into eternity. The minutes tick by, the kettle boils and the standard falls. Consciousness just naturally oscillates in character. This has really bugged me in the past. "Why can't I stay awake more?"  Now I know it is OK. It is just the natural warp and weft of the fabric of life. Acceptance has cleared the way for fabricating a life made up from my deepest desires. Can't wait to see what those will be...

What is hard for you to Accept?


Tag You're It!