Yearning: Other Words Other Ways

We all yearn for something.

Christine Valters Painter stirs my yearning to be one with my soul's heart. I say yes and yes and yes to living from the inside out!

"This is not a poem
but a rain-soaked day keeping me inside
with you and you loving me like a storm.

This is not a poem but a record of a hundred mornings
when the sun lifted above the stone hills outside my window.
This is time for boiling water poured into the chipped cup
holding elderflower, hawthorn, mugwort.

This is not a poem but me standing perfectly still on the edge of the lake
in autumn, watching a hundred starlings like prayer flags fluttering.
This is my face buried in May’s first pink peony,
petals just now parting, eyes closed, inhaling.

This is not a poem but the field beyond thought and judgment
and the ways I tear myself apart on too many fine days.
This is the place where clocks no longer matter unless
it is the dusty gold watch which belonged to my grandfather.

This is not a poem but me standing desolate in a parade
of white gravestones, when a single bluebird lands and sings.
This is the bunch of Gerbera daisies you handed to me one foggy
February afternoon, pale yellow like the long-forgotten sun.
This is the first bite of bread after too many hungry days,
This is my grandmother whispering her secrets to me after dusk.

This is not a poem, but me taking off my clothes
and stepping eagerly into the cold mid-December sea.
This is the silence between breaths and in that stillness
this is me saying yes and yes and yes." ~christine valters painter 

For what do you yearn? What can you use to stir IT up?

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Happy Valentine's Day!

I do not fit snuggly into a world built on principles of clock time and corporeal senses alone. I may appear eccentric if I write about things like "equanimity" and "straddling eternity." But it is in the effemera I feel most hardy. My strength seems to build upon itself in the light of my spirit.

What do I do with this new found thing - this core within - which consists only of sweet air, energy and feeling? This thing that has no structure or mass, no handles to grasp, no parts to which I can point? How do I manage to live a life based from an open heart?

I am coming to know when my heart throbs and feels weighty I am tapped into this thing. This actual heaviness in my chest is confirmation for me. It lets me know "this is important." It seems my body can tell me when I am here connecting to whatever this is - my Truth.

I am building strength toward being more awake and available. I look forward to the day this is, if not an automatic response, at least a familiar one. In this way, perhaps I can then manage to live more often from this place - a place Steve Winwood calls "a higher love." In this way, I figure, then every day will be Valentine's Day. 

Wishing you a Happy Valentine's Day! 

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A Daily Practice

"Fish live in streams

Birds nest in trees

Human beings dwell

In warm hearts."

~Japanese folk Zen saying

Keeping my heart open is the plan for the day. It is the plan for everyday. It is a mantra, a philosophy, a way of life.

Keeping my heart open allows all my periodic fears to be passers by and not live-in lovers.

Keeping my heart open allows change and surprise to be trusted companions instead of unwelcome apes leaving banana peels across my path.

Keeping my heart open creates wonder within every breath I take, beneath every step I make and behind every blink of my big 'ol fascinated eyes.

Keeping my heart open is my daily practice.

What is your daily practice that supports you NO-MATTER-WHAT?

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Lessons from the Farm

"…before a dream is realized, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way. It does this not because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we've learned as we've moved toward that dream." ~from The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

Perhaps everybody knows these 3 things, but they were never explained to me so viscerally or so well as they were today!

Ask and you will receive. 

Walking past Flash, the dark brown and white speckled pony who is second in line in the pecking order between Tophat and Skippy, I was not focused on him there in the side pasture. I was focused on the six slips of hay I needed to get and dispense in the back pasture on this gray blue December day. So no mind was paid to Flash and his water barrel. After getting the hay in all the right places and on my coat and fat wool knitted scarf, Flash had not budged from his barrel to go eat. I took note and fed the goats. 

Suddenly there was no question what Flash wanted to see happen. Oh so that's the reason the blue barrel is lashed twice round the fence post. Wordlessly he was knocking the thing again and again so I Iet him know I hear you, "OK, OK...I get it...must put water in the empty water barrel NOW!" Requiring confirmation he did not leave his post to get his breakfast until he saw with his own pony's eyes the barrel and hose joined and the water flowing.  Ask and you will receive. The farm taught me this. 

Make every step count. 

Watching a 60 gallon barrel become full...just watching it is a gift. Resting there with intermittent rays of sunlight noiselessly raking the pasture, the peace of that moment was unmistakably given and received. 

Looking back at Flash's barrel, I worked out the time. Not clock time. Not the time to catch a bus or to meet a date. I needed to know the best approximate interval to begin walking, walking around the goat pen past the garage through the stone gate on to the muddy patch and beyond the guinea hen's squawk to get to the pump to turn the off the water that was currently filling the bucket. 

Figuring in real time this distance and pace to walk so I can shut off the hose at that exact perfect moment the bucket is filled is my kind of fun! I love this soft squishy numberless calculus involving just woman and foot and practical physics. When I got back to the barrel it appeared I had done it. We were all filled up, Flash and me, he with his water and me with my Joy! Make every step count. The farm taught me this.

Turn it off at the source. 

Flowing water is a must around here. A hose with many junctions provides flow all over the farm. The cutting off of the flow at the source would eliminate extra work and avoid unwanted complications. Turn the water off at the source, not at a junction otherwise you will just have to do it again and again until you get it right. Turn it off at the source. The farm taught me this.

So glad I got up this am. Seems nature and the animals are full of the Truth of Life. And so grateful I am awake and studying - never know when I will be tested again!

What teaches you stuff?

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Hurdles - Present and Past

I have a thirsty fish in me
that can never find enough 
of what it's thirsty for!
~ Rumi

This was my father. 

He passed away 5 days ago. He was 75 and I loved him very much and I know he loved me.

And even though I have 2 years experience in the grief department and because I have this much experience in the grief department I am aware this means almost nothing. 

Grieving is a slippery character that creeps up unexpectedly and in a surprisingly different number of ways! So part of me is OK, part of me is on guard and cautious, part of me is angry at the timing and part of me hurts. And in this order... I think.

Unlike with my husband Michael's death, with whom I had a much more intimate relationship, my father's passing feels OK-er. We lived hundreds of miles apart for the majority of my life and I have not depended on him for anything since I was a teen. There was this distance both geographically and emotionally so I admit I might not be having strong feelings at the moment. But I suspect there will be 'karmic' repercussions that must be felt.

And unlike Michael, my father's death is more in keeping with natural expectations. He lead a life full of invention and inspiration and that life in him had begun to wane. For this reason I feel his soul may actually be in a good - or perhaps even a better place - with more flexibility and possibilities for growth. I am assuming our souls are continually learning.

Just working on the timing of this thing in regards to my own healing. I had just gotten back in the saddle, was on the horse and was learning how to trot. And while trotting I could SEE myself cantering and I was joyously anticipating some galloping soon!

Then this - a new hurdle - so I must readjust.

Now I am working on accepting what is and allowing it to unfold as it must. Its gonna do it anyway. I just have to get comfortable, hang on to the reins and go for it. 

Go up and over
     and thus continue forward 
          no matter what
     on this
my new path.

I just love a good metaphor - don't you?

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Homecoming & My Practice

I just got back from a delightful trip to Baltimore. And after four straight days of loving, embracing and renewing connections with family and friends I dearly cherish and being equally embraced and loved by them - I am having a tough time being at home again. 

A vast difference has been shown to me and it is causing this feeling of über darkness. I feel weakened and wounded and completely undone... again!

These folks from my hood know me so well, have my best interest at heart and accept me just as I am. Among them I feel myself and sooooo connected again. Visiting with them reminds me how much I miss having *special & deep* connections in my daily life.

This morning when I awoke, this evening when I left work and right now --- relentless and giant waves of tears are showing up. And even though I know I am graciously supported at all times and in all ways, I am unable to stop them. It is during times like these I am reminded that "being conscious" does not mean everything will always be rosy.   

Showering and getting ready for work this morning I made a choice - I had to - so I could function. I chose to know I am completely supported and I am always graciously provided with everything I need. By shifting my consciousness to this awareness I was able to get on with my day. 

Now at home - alone - I can let these tears fly accepting them and praying the pain that accompanies them will be moved along like loitering kids off a dimly lit street corner. "Go home you trouble makers!" Find a space that brings you comfort and rest there a while. 

If I can only find what false beliefs are back of these tears then I can burn them off and with them a harmful piece of me. Then I can rest. Then I can emerge better than before. 

So my plan is to allow this latest grief tsunami to explode and dissipate while I simultaneously practice knowing "all is well." And I really need to practice cuz I am in the depths here tonite. This is a very heavy lift right now. Writing about it and doing it are two entirely different matters...here I go!

What do you do when things get really rough?

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A Walk in the Park

"I am great sun but you do not see me.

I am your husband but you turn away.

I am the captive but you do not free me.

I am the captain but you do not obey.

I am the truth but you do not believe me.

I am that city where you will not stay.

I am your wife, your child but you will leave me.

I am that god to whom you will not pray.

I am your council but you do not hear me.

I am your lover whom you will slay.

I am the victor but you do not cheer me.

I am the holy dove that you will slay.

I am your life, but if you will not name me seal up your soul's tears and do not blame me." ~ from a 16th century inscription.

My job and my joy is to simply be myself. So why isn't this a walk in the park? Who better to know how to do this than me? No special training is required. Nothing need be bought or sold to achieve "Lani-ness" because I came complete, whole and perfect. And I will go out that way too... funny thing is this is true whether I recognize it or not. 

What has to happen to allow fresh, pure, and unencumbered Lani molecules to collect and disseminate with ease and grace?

Full throttle love. Full throttle trust. And full throttle imagination of what life could be like at it's best. When I allow these things it is a walk in the park to just be.

At this point I believe my job and my joy then changes. I believe my job and my joy then becomes dissolving into all that is... definitely NOT a walk in the park! I've got some work to do. 

What work do you have in front of you?

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Beginning Anew...Again

“The mind creates the abyss, the heart crosses it.” ~ Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj

"A time comes in your life when you finally get it…when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out…enough! Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on. Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are…and that’s OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions. You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself…and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval. You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you – or didn’t do for you – and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. 

You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility. Finally, with courage in your heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can." ~ Sonny Carrol

Darkness, Play, Joy

"What if this is what it looks like while my dream of the end of Apartheid is happening?  What if my being in this very situation is... part of... my overcoming?"~Nelson Mandela about his imprisonment

"Just how do we deal with agitations of the dark? How do we make our way through the tangle of being confused or sad or blocked in understanding a way to tomorrow? It seems natural enough to treat our problems like an overgrown path and go hacking our way through, doing small violence to ourselves. Yet this insight from an ancient Chinese text implies something harder and simpler. It implies that agitation itself is dark, that only when we can keep our hands off will there be room for light. It seems that agitations of the dark always cover over.  For myself, I worked for years covering over sore lesions of esteem with agitations of accomplishment, till my heart was covered over with a thicket of achievements. Only when I put the achievements aside did the light begin to move. Only then did a Universal warmth reach my sore center. Only when I let the dark energies rest did I begin to heal" ~Mark Nepo

"Play is simply the pleasure that comes from doing something directly for the soul and spirit, something that is free of the heavy ego and the seriousness of our own intentions. This idea takes us back to the important discussion we had about enjoying life rather than justifying it by working hard and being intent on helping others. Thoreau once said that if a neighbor came to his house to help him, he'd go out the back door. (not his exact words). If helping isn't a form of play, then it, too, may not be very spiritual. The lack of play is a sign of too much ego or a history of repression." ~Thomas Moore

"When we are willing to be intimate with what actually is here now, to look directly at all of our experience, we might recognize that this is our life, however different from our thoughts and ideas about it. It is as if we hunker down and actually get very real, recognizing that our thoughts of gaining and losing, good and bad, happy and sad, are what distance us from ourselves. When we breathe in fully and pause, we clear a space in our mind without judgment. If we are willing to hang in with the practice over and over again, noticing how our thoughts of gaining or losing distance us from ourselves and from what is, we open ourselves to a whole new reality. We came into intimacy with everything; we enter a world of joy that is so close, to pervasive, that we are surprised we haven't been aware of its presence all along. Once Dongshan was asked, 'What is the deepest truth? What is the wisdom that liberates?' His response was, 'I am always close to this.' It is the closeness itself- the intimacy with what is here with us now- that is the truth that liberates us. Imagine being so close to your experience of life!" ~Roshi Pat Enkyo O'Hara

What do you think about thinking?

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Alligators or Recognizing Consciousness

Being awake has it's own kind of feeling. It is still and at the same time alive with great power and energy, kind of like an alligator. There is a heightened awareness, your senses are acute but less necessary as you see more clearly past the obvious to the unseen nature of things. In this state, I have found knowing often transcends understanding. Learning to trust and respect your alligator is the challenge. It's power is immense.

The alligator lives comfortably in two realms - water and land. Being conscious requires us to be comfortable in this way too. The external world is a buzz with all manner of things and we must remain internally centered, still and aware while navigating it.

Like the rough hune skin of the gator, I often wear armor to protect myself. But turn me over and you will see my soft underbelly - my vulnerable place. Being conscious, I have found there is a sense of fearlessness and forthrightness at my disposal.  Clarity and precision invade doubts and worries. With this I become more grounded and settled within myself.

The Sacral Chakra (Svadhisthana) is represented by the crocodile. This chakra is the power-center of creation. The crocodile, like the alligator, encourages us to delve deep within ourselves and resurface with dynamic creative power. Living in an awake state challenges our sleeping selves to do the same... with great ease.

And don't even get me started about Sobek. You know... the Egyptian Crocodile God? Sobek was one among several gods responsible for weighing the souls of the dead suggesting these animals carry with them elements of discernment, judgment, authority and guidance. Qualities I hope will surface within my life as I live more Consciously. 

With all her deep symbolism of unchanging primordial power and wisdom I think I would not mind having the alligator as my constant companion. Just knowing this large stealthy creature is around me is enough to keep my eyes wide open and aware at all times as we head out towards whatever lies ahead.

What animal totem would you choose as a companion?


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Fabricating a Life

When I was sick, before Michael died, he would make me a cup of tea if I asked him to. Not anymore. And when I was sick and he came to bed, if he saw I had scarfed one of his pillows he would say plainly, "Come on - give it up." And he would take it from me when I was reluctant to do so. Not anymore. So I have to make my own tea now. But I get all the pillows! Just a peek into my memory bank about Michael and our life together. If you are scoring - seems like a wash. But of course, it is not that simple. Wish it was. Day-to-day I think, "who I am...now?"

I did not experience it like that at first. Death of a spouse, at first, was just so much swamp to be moved through. So much heavy, thick and somber muck to be cleared. And it was relentless. Day and night, inside and outside, close and far away - something was always calling to be cut away, signed for, or hugged and cherished.  And in the beginning there was so much to do and so many folks to help. We got through it.

Now it seems I am more settled into my game. Things are in there right places and friends have moved on. Not away from me necessarily, just back into their own lives, their regular routines. I can be trusted to handle things by myself now. Though I still ask for help when I need it. And I have made new friends!

So here I am, creating a new life. I know...it sounds so daunting. Funny thing too - I just realized -  I do not recall ever doing this before. I know I made choices and I ended up in places where I met people and I did things. But looking back, none of it seemed to be so deliberate. At least not as deliberate as it is now. What's up with that? Is it normal to be so carefully pondering each piece of that life as I fashion this new one? Is this new life not made of whole cloth? Living consciously is the difference, I think.

In aiming to live consciously I am coming to learn how to ask for what I want. And at the same time I am defiantly learning Acceptance of what is. Doing these two things in concert is a gift. Doing these two things in concert intertwines my own true nature with the true nature of that which is Universal. Back and forth I go, traveling between Acceptance and Desire. Sometimes feeling deep pain and sorrow. And sometimes I move with Grace and ease. What makes the difference here? It just depends on how awake I am to the moment.

Living intentionally with both Acceptance and Desire is a struggle. But it is these opposing forces which chug the cogs on the wheel of life forward. It is this shuttling back and forth between the two that weaves us into eternity. The minutes tick by, the kettle boils and the standard falls. Consciousness just naturally oscillates in character. This has really bugged me in the past. "Why can't I stay awake more?"  Now I know it is OK. It is just the natural warp and weft of the fabric of life. Acceptance has cleared the way for fabricating a life made up from my deepest desires. Can't wait to see what those will be...

What is hard for you to Accept?


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