Good Grief

“You know quite well, deep within you, that there is only a single magic, a single power, a single salvation... and that it is called loving. Well, then, love your suffering. Do not resist it, do not flee from it. It is your aversion that hurts, nothing else." ~hermann hesse

Grief has sculpted me over these last 2 1/2 years. It has been my permission slip, my way in and out and through things. Lately though I have been taking note of the many moments I am "clean & sober" feeling good and in life's pocket again, without feelings of grief.

Having become so accustomed to feeling deeply pangs of deep sorrow, this now is strange. Comforting Grief connects me with he who is lost. But more so even, Grief has introduced me to my viscera - my deep feeling self. And I like being connected like that! 

Giving up Grief may actually be like quitting a substance that I have come to know and been most seductively soothed by. I am suddenly aware that letting go may be a challenge.

Stepping out from under this big black umbrella seems to be what is called for right now. I really can't waste another moment. I must become a responsible veteran of these "my griefy wars!" I want to own my own present experiences - taking on the world directly without the veil of Grief, without an excuse...but not without a net! 

No need to be a daredevil. 

Can I stay connected without Grief? Is there a practice 
i can put into action that will slide elegantly into grief's place?

So I am on the hunt to identify that thing that will be my entry point into the deepest parts of myself. I will let you know when I have found it! I think I know what it is already...and if you have been following me for a bit you may know too! 

How do you keep connected?

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Pandora

Hey Pandora...Why not look inside?

"Endowed by the gods with every attribute of beauty and goodness, Pandora was the first woman on earth. Happy the man given her as wife! Her dowry from the gods included a box, which she was warned never to open. No one but the gods knew what was hidden inside. Why, oh why could she not open the box? Finally overcome by her curiosity, she opened the mysterious box…from which flew innumerable plagues for the body and sorrows for the mind. Terrified, she rushed to shut the box, but could do nothing to stop or retrieve the evils unleashed. Only hope, the one good thing among all the evils the box had contained, remained to comfort humanity in its misfortunes." 

Isn't it her innocence, not her curiosity the gods are protecting her from? 

What if Pandora had chosen to never open the box? Do we imagine this type of behavior admirable? Will this choice really alleviate the experience of pain/suffering in the world? Perhaps an unwillingness to look inside Pandora's box can be seen as a fear-filled unwillingness to grow and evolve? 

The power of conscious and deliberate choice is central to the myth of Pandora and her box.  

Understanding life is challenging and then still making a conscious choice to open the box completely changes our perception of all it contains!

"Our perceptions, our senses, our skin, our illness and health, our pain and suffering are precious doorways to the sacredness of our world. The dichotomies of imagination and rationalization, intuition and intellect, heart and mind, heaven and earth, feminine and masculine need to be viewed less as polarities than as partners in a delicate dance of balance and harmony. Only by embracing all parts of ourselves are we able to know the wholeness of the world and our inherent inseparability and interdependence with it. Art is spiritual. Art is about our world, our sacred world, inside and out, and our world is alive. Each breath is a new breath, a fresh breath, totally awake and intimate before being encumbered with the weight of conceptualization, labeling, and judging." ~ mini frailly-hansen 

Pandora's box is an invitation to peek, then explore, then celebrate what is inside - consciously accepting the inevitable "plagues and sorrows' of life as, not evil, but gracious good lessons to be confronted, absorbed and overcome.

Have you something you have been unwilling to see? 

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A New Way to Love

"The colors of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky,

Are also on the faces of people going by.

I see friends shaking hands, sayin', "How do you do?"

They're really saying, " I love you" 

~from Lyrics "What a Wonderful World" by Louis Armstrong

I am IN love. 

Not like "what is his name?" kind of love. 

Not like "every Cary Grant movie ever made" kind of love. 

And not like "co-dependent attachment you can't do without it" kind of love.

What I mean is I am always "IN love" because I am always surrounded by (in) Source (love) all of the time.

Feels great to use these words - "IN love" about myself when I know it is not some bullshit positive thinking word game but my honest and real Truth.

Feels great to use these words - "IN love"  about myself when I know that this love cannot and will never be taken away from me.

Feels great to use these words - "IN love" about myself in such a new and different way than ever before -  so fully, passionately and completely.

Within this Love I am safely held. And it just feels great!

Can you dig it? Too quote Billy Crystal as Louis Armstrong, "I knew that you could. Oh Yaaaah…"

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Happy Valentine's Day!

I do not fit snuggly into a world built on principles of clock time and corporeal senses alone. I may appear eccentric if I write about things like "equanimity" and "straddling eternity." But it is in the effemera I feel most hardy. My strength seems to build upon itself in the light of my spirit.

What do I do with this new found thing - this core within - which consists only of sweet air, energy and feeling? This thing that has no structure or mass, no handles to grasp, no parts to which I can point? How do I manage to live a life based from an open heart?

I am coming to know when my heart throbs and feels weighty I am tapped into this thing. This actual heaviness in my chest is confirmation for me. It lets me know "this is important." It seems my body can tell me when I am here connecting to whatever this is - my Truth.

I am building strength toward being more awake and available. I look forward to the day this is, if not an automatic response, at least a familiar one. In this way, perhaps I can then manage to live more often from this place - a place Steve Winwood calls "a higher love." In this way, I figure, then every day will be Valentine's Day. 

Wishing you a Happy Valentine's Day! 

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How Do I Achieve Inner Peace?

When I read these words to myself, sometimes on a daily basis, I become stronger in my belief that Change and Peace are on the same continuum and they always start (and end) inside of me.

"My whole being works best when I am able to achieve EQUANIMITY in life. I thrive when things are NOT tipped too much in one direction for too long. And when I realize EQUANIMITY for myself I experience a deep inner peace.

The entirety of everything is made up from one thing. That one thing is Divine. I call this divine thing Source because it exists eternally in, around, under, and through all “other” things.

I am just such an “other” thing. I am not Source as Source is the beginning of everything, but Source is ALL of me. This means that all the wholeness and perfection that Source is – I am. From this recognition I take confidence that I have the same power to manifest, just as Source does.

I accept that all of life is change and within all circumstances change is constant. From within this reality I create a subtle and gentle swing for myself in which I happily glide from here to there… and back again. From this place where I sit as things appear to shift  - my experience is always that ALL IS WELL.  I am Equanimity. I am Balance. I am Peace.

For this realization I give thanks. For this knowing I am humbly grateful.

Having written and read these words I let them go now.  I release these words into Source knowing the thing is already done and I am already Peaceful.  I release these words as I say, And so it is.”

Will you come and sit on my swing with me?

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Clarity: A Master Class

"What you are, and who you are should provide greater clarity about where you have been and where you are headed. Although one distinguishes spiritual from physical nature, the ultimate unification of the two is the consequence of the struggle for internal, external and eternal – peace." ~t.f. hodge

Clarity really messes up everything I already know to be true! Is it bad when you are shown the way and you just keep walking -  like it never happened? Clarity looms close. I can feel it. It is lurking in the shadows waiting for me to know some more damn Truth.

30 years ago I was living a life that came spontaneously like waves - ahhh youth!  My conscious efforts were spent writing and performing comedy and assisting the universe in finding me a mate. Almost 23 years ago I married Mike. 2 1/2 years ago Mike died.

Since then I have been actively rebuilding my life. It is a strange and hard task which requires much energy. Clarity has asked me to allow every feeling that comes up to be felt then flushed through my delicate system. OK… so it is an intensely robust system I have… but it hurts bunches just the same.

Well - I did it. And I did it well! Circumstances have been unfolding just fine with joy, grace and ease. But lately, this last week, I am crying a lot. I know this is Clarity stalking me again!

Yep - I am shedding what is left of my past life with Mike. I am getting the message I cannot go any farther without doing this. It seems these tears come from an extremely vast reservoir the size of which I will NEVER comprehend.

I thought I had let go already. I guess letting go in your thoughts and deeds is just not the same as letting go in the deepest part of your heart - that thing that is just now cracking wide open - again. 

So I find myself accepting - again - this weepy invitation to feel! And it hurts. But I know, from this, I will grow. 

Damn you, Clarity!

How do you process pain?

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How To Unfold

“Raise your words, not voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder.” ~rumi

How do I unfold? Until I am able to live in the dream for my highest self, I am borrowing my Soul's heart to assist me in making decisions. To do this I am meditating more regularly, which helps me to focus. 

Focus on what you ask?

I am focusing on: the Mist that is obscuring things, the Questions I need answered, the things I demand Manifest in my life, the feeling of Gratitude I have for all that is manifested and Unconditional Trust that all is well just as it is today! 

Borrowing my Soul's heart helps me get to where I want to be. Or a better way to express it - it helps me see I am exactly where I am supposed to be, right here right now!

Ohm...

What TRICK do you use to get here?

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I'm a Pepper. You're a Pepper...

organism

[awr-guh-niz-uh m]  noun   1. a form of life composed of mutually interdependent parts that maintain various vital processes.

To be an organism in my own life; to confidently behave in my own best interest without doubt, fear or judgement; this is my NIRVANA. 

This is not a selfish aim for in being such a thing I eclipse that part of myself that gets in my own way. You know what I am talking about...that voice that, at best - hinders or delays joy and at worst - scolds, malforms or denigrates a soul's truest nature.

An organism has no such voice. It has no inner child or half-baked notions which need overcoming. It just simply moves with ease as it is meant to for the good of itself and the body in which it lives. Ahhhh...this sounds so peaceful.

Now some may think my aspiring to be an organism might leave me small, faceless and without a personality. But my read is just the opposite. If I were fortunate enough to be an organism I would be a one-of-a-kind singular and perfect expression of myself. I would know innately my place in the world. And this "knowing" would gracefully carry me forward in the direction of my own ever unfolding destiny...joyfully and triumphantly. That doesn't seem small at all, now does it?  

If ALL THIS were actually the way of things, wouldn't you like to be an organism too? 

How do you describe your NIRVANA?

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