Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Tête-à-Tête



"Beauvoir lent Maheu a recent English novel she had enjoyed, The Green Hat, by Michael Arlen. She admired its independent heroine, Iris Storm. Maheu did not. 'I have no liking for women of easy virtue,' he told her. 'Much as I like a woman to please me, I find it impossible to respect any woman I've had.' Beauvoir was indignant. 'One does not HAVE an Iris Storm!"

Oh how I enjoy radiant and robust tete-a-tete between two people! It's all an illusion you know - even the good stuff. When I got that, a hard place to get to by the way, I felt a brief moment of peace. 

When I experience flow, when I am in it without observing or over thinking - eternity is at hand. I am awake. It is only as I move to another moment which interrupts that little hop in my step and makes me look behind, I SEE I was happy and myself again back there, in that place with those people in that circumstance. God that felt good!

Increasing these moments, my awareness of them and their duration really should be a priority. But alas, I have no real control. But I can recognize that they do happen now and again and live in their mist and love that they exist. I can allow joy and peace and love into my life. I can set the mark by my intentions. How they manifest is not my concern.

To joy and my journey forward - effortlessly allowing what is. Like ice cream, moments melt away too quickly. But the ice cream man will ring his bell again and all us kids will come running to greet his truck, money in hand ready again to purchase... Pure Happiness.

"Don't think of yourself as an intestinal tract and a tangle of nerves in the skull, that will not work unless you drink coffee. Think of yourself as incandescent power, illuminated perhaps and forever talked to by God and his messengers... Think if Tiffany's made a mosquito, how wonderful we would think it was!"
~ Brenda Ueland 
 

Don't think of yourself as an intestinal tract and tangle of nerves in the skull, that will not work unless you drink coffee. Think of yourself as incandescent power, illuminated perhaps and forever talked to by God and his messengers.... Think if Tiffany's made a mosquito, how wonderful we would think it was!
Read more at http://quotes.dictionary.com/dont_think_of_yourself_as_an_intestinal_tract#ATk7wE2IMraOoQMK.99
Don't think of yourself as an intestinal tract and tangle of nerves in the skull, that will not work unless you drink coffee. Think of yourself as incandescent power, illuminated perhaps and forever talked to by God and his messengers.... Think if Tiffany's made a mosquito, how wonderful we would think it was!

Read more at http://quotes.dictionary.com/dont_think_of_yourself_as_an_intestinal_tract#ATk7wE2IMraOoQMK.99
Don't think of yourself as an intestinal tract and tangle of nerves in the skull, that will not work unless you drink coffee. Think of yourself as incandescent power, illuminated perhaps and forever talked to by God and his messengers.... Think if Tiffany's made a mosquito, how wonderful we would think it was!

Read more at http://quotes.dictionary.com/dont_think_of_yourself_as_an_intestinal_tract#ATk7wE2IMraOoQMK.99"
Why not choose happiness?

Tag You're It!

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Square 1




am hoping this day finds you well and well loved in your lovely abode. I wrote this about one year ago. Seems appropriate to revisit it for I am feeling like I am here again - at square 1 - today.


February 10, 2013

I am approaching the beginning of week 3 of experiment Lani. I am finding that a planned activity  - just one mind you - for each day is a must have.

It allows the illusion of accomplishment.
And lends structure. I choose this "task" before going to bed the nite before. 

And I have optional tasks I can add if the mood suits. The objective is to keep  moving toward my goal - at a pace that fits me well, leaving room for flexibility and miracles.

What is my goal, you may be asking yourself? I ask myself this regularly because I ache to move on, Beats me! "Healing" comes to mind. I wish I had more clarity, but it is not to be at this time. "Ask again later," says the magic 8 Ball that has become my life. Not so bad really, just different than before.

Different than before my husband got sick. Different than before I helped my husband die. Different than before I quit my job. Different than before I was forced to look within because everything without is so... so... different.

January 22, 2014

A few things have changed. Most days I let flow w/o needing to accomplish something. I sometimes have multiple tasks per day and I sometimes have no tasks and am accepting of this.

I have an inkling I am going to teach again, but the initial enthusiasm is meeting with some resistance...more will be revealed! I have built in some external supports to help me along...but sure could use more support!

What is the same is the knowledge that everything is definitely different than I have ever known before.

Viva la difference - perhaps?

How are you different from a year ago?

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Monday, January 20, 2014

Collaborating with Doubt


"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves..."  ~ Rilke 

In agreeing to Collaborate with what is, rather than combat it, I arrive at a warm and welcoming threshold. Even if 'what is' is uncomfortable.

Not sure why, but I have been working against myself. I confoundedly keep choosing to wade inside old patterns that no longer serve me. And what makes it SUPER silly is I am totally aware, but keep doing it anyway!

Feeling caught or trapped in this fixed behavior pattern made me doubt myself and all my recent so loftily intentions. Which in turn caused an uptick in confusion and a down tick of self confidence. So today my previously fabulous self is treading water in the deep end of all things unsure...again!

Some folks say this swing toward disorientation is normal before one experiences a breakthrough. I say doesn't matter what folks say. This feeling sucks!  

So what does a situation like this call for?

That's it! Questioning is in order...and lots of it!

If I can begin to honor my Doubt and stop judging it as something all together bad, Doubt can be liberated from a hazy destination to a new experience of a gracious invitation. If you allow it, Doubt begins the process of reflection. It is a call to form a meaningful question which is always a pointer towards a meaningful answer! 

Doubt is the threshold to your most sacred path of knowing.

To embrace Doubt is to honor ourselves and our own journey. And don't worry because "The Universe is so well balanced that the mere fact that you have a problem serves as a sign that there is a solution." Seems fitting that this quote is by Anonymous! 

How comfortable are you with uncertainty?

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Monday, January 13, 2014

Attachment



"By extending our ordinary feelings of love and concern beyond their usual biased limits, love is freed from the restrictions of attachment." ~ HHDL

Finding attachment to be the source of many of my tears, I am intrigued by this quote. Grieving loss or Fear of losing something to which I am attached appears suddenly childlike today. I am thinking of a pacifier, a blanket... or a husband perhaps?

As an adult you would think we would give up these attachments because we see children go thru so much suffering when they want something very badly. Or when they have the thing they love and it falls from their mouths or arms or is otherwise misplaced.

And we work very hard to break them of these attachments because they are "growing up" and should learn to let go of such things. 

The first day of school can be a challenge for some children (and parents) very attached to eachother. But we do the HARD work necessary to train detachment so our children can become independently functioning beings. Is this what is meant above by "love is freed from restrictions of attachment"?

What are these "biased limits"? I wonder if they are those external things that we think we NEED to make us happy, feel secure and otherwise soothe us. Who is there to help us adults do the hard work of letting go here? 

Perhaps I can use meditation to extend my ordinary feelings of love and concern beyond their biased limits to become more open-hearted and a little freer from suffering!

Yes - this is more hard work. But it has all been hard these last 18 months since Michael died. Why should this be any different? 

I do admit though - I sure could use a vacation from the work of being me. The work of managing my sorrow and cultivating my future by actively staying awake in the present. That must be why I imagine loving again - in this new way - a detached way. 

Can Loving get easier?


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Friday, January 10, 2014

Legendary



You are now a legend. Half real half made up. We see you in our minds, in the stories we tell and the few pictures you allowed. We have you just as we wish and you are not here to defend yourself. Or correct us. We see a memory - which you always maintained can never be whole and is always suspect.

But I will remember your heart, your good intentions and your love. The rest of you are details which float in and out of focus. I miss you my "Wooly Mammoth." Anyone can ask me to tell them that story and I will be happy to do so. It is a fine one! 

Until then, just know a breeze came by named Michael Chaves and I dance in it's wake every day.

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Alligators or Recognizing Consciousness



Being awake has it's own kind of feeling. It is still and at the same time alive with great power and energy, kind of like an alligator. There is a heightened awareness, your senses are acute but less necessary as you see more clearly past the obvious to the unseen nature of things. In this state, I have found knowing often transcends understanding. Learning to trust and respect your alligator is the challenge. It's power is immense.

The alligator lives comfortably in two realms - water and land. Being conscious requires us to be comfortable in this way too. The external world is a buzz with all manner of things and we must remain internally centered, still and aware while navigating it.

Like the rough hune skin of the gator, I often wear armor to protect myself. But turn me over and you will see my soft underbelly - my vulnerable place. Being conscious, I have found there is a sense of fearlessness and forthrightness at my disposal.  Clarity and precision invade doubts and worries. With this I become more grounded and settled within myself.

The Sacral Chakra (Svadhisthana) is represented by the crocodile. This chakra is the power-center of creation. The crocodile, like the alligator, encourages us to delve deep within ourselves and resurface with dynamic creative power. Living in an awake state challenges our sleeping selves to do the same... with great ease.

And don't even get me started about Sobek. You know... the Egyptian Crocodile God? Sobek was one among several gods responsible for weighing the souls of the dead suggesting these animals carry with them elements of discernment, judgment, authority and guidance. Qualities I hope will surface within my life as I live more Consciously. 

With all her deep symbolism of unchanging primordial power and wisdom I think I would not mind having the alligator as my constant companion. Just knowing this large stealthy creature is around me is enough to keep my eyes wide open and aware at all times as we head out towards whatever lies ahead.


What animal totem would you choose as a companion?


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Sunday, January 5, 2014

Clarity 2.0



Clarity is a fleeting pain in the ass. The prevailing winds change, clarity gently brushes against your cheek, then drifts on. So you better be ready for it or it may just pass you by like it never happened. 

What do I believe? Getting clear here will help me move to the next level in my life, I am thinking. As long as I can remember I have always understood that I am you and you are me - that we are the same. Never studied a religion to learn this - it is part of me. I am skeptical about all beliefs in established systems, i.e., Religion. But I do value ownership of a personally derived belief system.

The big movement for me has been coming to a complete understanding that Love rules the universe. From this I understand that as life's circumstances arise the only question I need ask is, "Does this serve me?" I am the liver of a life that serves this Life for the good and this life in turn serves me for the good. Life is a big Love snowball that way. And it all starts within me. 

So now seems a good time to define things for myself. So here are a few 'new rules' for my new life. Please note: I have never been good at following rules, so setting rules down in writing does not necessarily mean they will be followed. There is always a catch - isn't there?

1. Filter all things through your heart as it knows best.

2. Recognize Wonder as sacred as this is life affirming.

3. No more Toiling (not life affirming.) 

4. All emotions are good messengers, especially the uncomfortable ones. 

5. Carry your Mirth with you at all times, it is your Awareness Emergency kit 

6. Always seek Truth over Illusion as freedom reigns there.

I am sure if I made a thorough study of world religions or philosophers throughout history these rules, or something like them, would show up everywhere. But these organically made personalized collection of tenets suit me perfectly - in the same way the sound of a laugh matches to a person. Your laugh is part of you. No other set of modulated tones will ever do.  (BTW if you have never paid attention to the sound of your laugh, try it... pure ecstasy.)

Found within my heart, these tenets are the wind that fill my sails and give me direction. The boat, of course, is me. My body and personality are the physical mechanism by which I manifest. In this way I see my journey taking place and my heart's desire coming true.

As for the direction and strength of the wind, i.e., the plan - that I have no part in. I surrender that to a higher vision fore I know my vision is far too limited. So instead I give up judgments and expectations. And I relinquish the need to know what tomorrow looks like. This affords all manner of gracious possibilities to form organically. 

My job is to have an intention and to pay attention!

What are your beliefs?

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