Giving In

Seems who I thought I was got in the way of who I am...

Being human - the spiral seeks me out. They say grief is an ever changing spiral on which we travel. And at certain points you can just expect your feelings of grief to be heightened. So you should prepare for them. 

Thought I was doing a good job but...

Seems who I thought I was got in the way of who I am. I imagined myself as the standard bearer for Joy and Gratitude and 'Uber Great Becoming' I forgot to allow for this part of the story - the tough and painful part. The part where I feel so sad. Old habits die hard. Guess I still have places in me that equate sorrow with weakness. So any way - I kept my grief at bay as long as I could hoping this time, this August, would be different.

I am super great at traipsing thru my daily schedule holding up my end of the bargin. Then I collapse, reluctanlty, because I do not want to be a weak-lilly-livered-fraud.

I know I am not a fraud, I have made some serious strides, created some wonderful moments. And most recently some exciting outcomes have been made manifest. Maybe this is why I resisted so much this time. I imagined I had control over things. Ha!

Nope.

Still hurts. Still sucks. Still grief has a grip on my wellbeing. Just got to ride it out again, this monsoon of tears. I have done it so many times before so I know it can be done. Just would have be nice to have a shoulder to lean on this time. That - I imagine - will be a happy day when I allow that!

Do we ever heal?

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