Alchemy of Grief

Painful memories come at the strangest times. The memories aren't painful, they are warm and joy filled. The pain comes when memory is wed to the current moment. 

Shopping for groceries I pass by the in store Starbucks. Michael always stopped at the retail display to hunt for dishwasher safe travel mugs. Not for himself, he didn't drink coffee. He was looking for me. It was a little thing, but it made me feel loved.

When memory meets a PRESENT moment like this tears beg to be let out. They are called forth by an actual physical pain starting in the heart and quickly spraying wide across the chest and high toward the eyes. 

These feelings must be allowed. It is bad to hold them in. So I held it together at the grocery store long enough to walk outside. Taking up my brown paper bag in one hand and a shrink wrapped twelve pack of TP and my keys in the other I swiftly trotted to the car. Locks chirped and clicked, the hatch opened and I placed everything in back. 

In the driver's seat - it was safe to melt down - no one could see me. One of the advantages of shopping at night. 

I gave myself permission to let waves of pain and tears sweep through me. It is necessary. I am healing myself. I am sure of it. 

And I am grateful.

What are you grateful for?

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