It is Graduation Time Again...

If I were 22 again I would tell myself, "Life has so many graduations for you. Enjoy this one from University and know there will be many more ahead!" I would want to take the pressure, which I personally placed on my own shoulders, off - so I could enjoy all the moment had to offer.

And in a way I did. I graduated college and did what any young woman of 22 would do. I became a stand-up comic. Sure, that's normal. Right?

"Life is only as hard as YOU make it!

Most of us experience transitions in life as singular events. Sometimes we choose them and sometimes we don't. These events are designed to bring about a shift.

You are no longer a child so expecting CHANGE in a life well lived is at least prudent, and at best very wise. Let this be your only expectation though. Give up all the others.

And with this - know changes are NOT the end or the beginning of anything. They fit in the flow of our growing selves stepping up and out of our regular ways and becoming more of who we are meant to become. Trust the change. Allow it with as much ease as you can muster!

We move, we marry, people are born and they die. Mortality is a great teacher. It rises up most often in unexpected ways. Why is that? Why are we so surprised by death? Perhaps we are surprised by all death asks of us?

Oh... that is my story today. Let's get back to that universal individual. That person who is equal parts confident, alienated and frightened. And at just age 22 is told, "You're a man now. Yes - this means you too ladies! Go navigate this world as best you can."

I am not sure my 22 year old self would have accepted this life lens through which I see things now. It was my path to not know this then. For 29 years life has slapped me about and held me mighty high at times. But I imagine I would have surfed life's waves differently - with even more joy and excitement and with an even greater sense of wonder about what's next - if I had only known.

Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily…life is but a dream.


What does this song mean to you?

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Good Grief

“You know quite well, deep within you, that there is only a single magic, a single power, a single salvation... and that it is called loving. Well, then, love your suffering. Do not resist it, do not flee from it. It is your aversion that hurts, nothing else." ~hermann hesse

Grief has sculpted me over these last 2 1/2 years. It has been my permission slip, my way in and out and through things. Lately though I have been taking note of the many moments I am "clean & sober" feeling good and in life's pocket again, without feelings of grief.

Having become so accustomed to feeling deeply pangs of deep sorrow, this now is strange. Comforting Grief connects me with he who is lost. But more so even, Grief has introduced me to my viscera - my deep feeling self. And I like being connected like that! 

Giving up Grief may actually be like quitting a substance that I have come to know and been most seductively soothed by. I am suddenly aware that letting go may be a challenge.

Stepping out from under this big black umbrella seems to be what is called for right now. I really can't waste another moment. I must become a responsible veteran of these "my griefy wars!" I want to own my own present experiences - taking on the world directly without the veil of Grief, without an excuse...but not without a net! 

No need to be a daredevil. 

Can I stay connected without Grief? Is there a practice 
i can put into action that will slide elegantly into grief's place?

So I am on the hunt to identify that thing that will be my entry point into the deepest parts of myself. I will let you know when I have found it! I think I know what it is already...and if you have been following me for a bit you may know too! 

How do you keep connected?

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Hurdles - Present and Past

I have a thirsty fish in me
that can never find enough 
of what it's thirsty for!
~ Rumi

This was my father. 

He passed away 5 days ago. He was 75 and I loved him very much and I know he loved me.

And even though I have 2 years experience in the grief department and because I have this much experience in the grief department I am aware this means almost nothing. 

Grieving is a slippery character that creeps up unexpectedly and in a surprisingly different number of ways! So part of me is OK, part of me is on guard and cautious, part of me is angry at the timing and part of me hurts. And in this order... I think.

Unlike with my husband Michael's death, with whom I had a much more intimate relationship, my father's passing feels OK-er. We lived hundreds of miles apart for the majority of my life and I have not depended on him for anything since I was a teen. There was this distance both geographically and emotionally so I admit I might not be having strong feelings at the moment. But I suspect there will be 'karmic' repercussions that must be felt.

And unlike Michael, my father's death is more in keeping with natural expectations. He lead a life full of invention and inspiration and that life in him had begun to wane. For this reason I feel his soul may actually be in a good - or perhaps even a better place - with more flexibility and possibilities for growth. I am assuming our souls are continually learning.

Just working on the timing of this thing in regards to my own healing. I had just gotten back in the saddle, was on the horse and was learning how to trot. And while trotting I could SEE myself cantering and I was joyously anticipating some galloping soon!

Then this - a new hurdle - so I must readjust.

Now I am working on accepting what is and allowing it to unfold as it must. Its gonna do it anyway. I just have to get comfortable, hang on to the reins and go for it. 

Go up and over
     and thus continue forward 
          no matter what
     on this
my new path.

I just love a good metaphor - don't you?

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Pumpkin Bread

He loved Pumpkin Bread. He loved a lot of specific things. He knew what he liked because after much living and much thinking about living he made a point to extract the wheat from the chaff. He knew by practical experimentation which things worked best and he held tight to those things. 

So I always knew what to expect. I always knew where things stood for him and with us. And even though, at the time, it was occasionally frustrating - his certainty, his precision, his discipline - there was an awful lot of comfort in his smart, steady and well reasoned ways.

Now, since his death, my husband's quirky and concrete preferences are landmarks in time. So often, when I come across "the right hanger" or I again "hang the towels his way" in the bathroom so they dry fast and well, I smile. But sometimes these things, like this speciality bread at the beginning of Fall, break-my-heart-all-over-again. 

No sense in avoiding it, so I just let it come. Once Iit, it races up from my heart straight out my eyes like how brush fires hop fences in a robust wind. I think about how I have no napkins to wipe my tears here in the cafe. And how I should have some sunglasses to hide my swollen eyes. 

Thoughts act as a break dousing the thing. The more I think the more things improve.

I have lots to do today and lots to look forward to. Lots of new beginnings and exciting changes going on! And just as I know every moment is sacred, I also know this moment will pass. Some new thing will happen and this event too will become the past.

Fire now out, smoke and char remain. But I keep it together. And I move on…

Have you tasted the Pumpkin Bread at La Farm French Bakery? Oh you must, it is sooooo delicious! 

Why can't we live fully with joy - no matter what?

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Perfectly Imperfect!!

Yes - it feels good to see how life is unfolding warts and all; to generate appreciation for a stubbed toe or a missed class. 

There are six pots in my second story window box and one is not getting water due to an out-of-joint drip line. So a little dry brown sprig of dead Asparagus Fern sits stiffly up in the middle of five thriving vessels brimming over with tri-colored Ivys and red Impatiens. As I drive up to my house it waves at me welcoming me home. And I smile. I smile because I know it is OK until I get around to fixing it. And honestly - I am in no hurry.

It is my flag, my banner, my reminder that within all of everything there is some ugly stuff. And knowing this - I mean knowing in the deepest part of myself - I am comforted. And in accepting this life in all of it's manifestations, for me, brings ease to flow.

I am preparing myself for the hard days ahead - when dates will mean more than usual. In celebrating imperfection I am learning to stand my ground as I willingly allow all that comes my way to surge forth. This is how I am healing myself.

You see Michael, my husband now deceased, would have been 54 near the end of July. And it will be two years since his passing sometime in August. And I will celebrate my birthday in between these luminescent dates. Right now the calendar is not looking like my friend. 

But I am finding strength in being conscious so as I encounter those things that wrench my heart sideways I can let them go and watch them pass. BTW - this does not hurt any less, but it heals more. 

In deciding to enjoy a perfectly imperfect life this summer I can happily follow my joys at the same time I am grieving great loss. Contradictory things like this are in everyday life. My experience in revealing this truth, for me, is good stuff making! 

This is why I can laugh as I look down at my freshly shaven legs today. I have left a tiny trail of hairs. a mohawk, front and center on my right shin. Just another sign "all is well" even if a bit uneven! 

So tomorrow I will get on with it. I have a few chores to do. Got a second story garden to till, one leg to shave and a whole lot of healing to do.

What's on your to do list today?

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Follow the Sun

Making your new best life fit in with whatever is happening right now can be a very organic motion. It is as natural as a flower reaching it's head toward the morning sun - and then following the sun throughout the day until dusk.

Your conscious intention is the sunlight to which you will naturally turn once you begin to regularly adjust your attention to it.

No I cannot say I have mastered this in my own life, but I know for sure - this is how it works! But knowing how it works is not enough. You have to be willing to be uncomfortable.

I am uncomfortable right now because of the increasing distance between the "emerging me" and the intense grief that still comes to visit - but not stay. In these moments, even though I am told this condition is very natural, I can still judge myself harshly. Stretching beyond what is familiar is inherently an uncomfortable thing. But as I find that place, the sweet spot, where new ideas attach to and effect old behaviors my life has begun to blossom with ease.

It helps too if I can be as FORGIVING as I am attentive. In this real life game of Chutes & Ladders we all move forward because we must. And we all slide backwards because we do - you know we do! ACCEPTANCE of ourselves, and others, as we slide down the chute (again) is the loving choice. 

We can do this because we know the sun will rise again and we will get another chance to follow it!

Wanna play?

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The Hard Work of Feeling

"...establish that role to be a listener to the mystery…" 

~ ram dass

I have been caught again by my own tear ducts. They have felt the need to do what they do and I have to decide if I want to let them do it. 

Not fully appreciating that in letting them have their way I would be better off - I silently and completely undermine them. I watch TV to become numb. I stay awake way into the early morning hours to strain my body making 'feeling anything' nearly impossible. I eat way past the time of fullness. This physical discomfort distracts me too from feeling "other" things.

"That is strange" I hear myself saying, "how am I still generating such mythic stores of pain?" I am so surprised - with all my new found depth and awareness - that I am still playing this game of hide and seek. "Why whatever do you mean? No! I am so much better now beacuse so many days have passed since my husband died." 

It just boggles my mind. But my soul knows.

It knows this new found depth of mine is a carving out of sorts. And it is this "carving out" that is painful. 

It knows I am still surprised because I have no earthly idea how truly deep this shit really goes. There is no precedent for it. My limited awareness cannot conceive of this kind of vastness. 

It knows this is the uncomfortable mystery. And in order to transform it I must work hard to establish my role as a listener to it. Yet I still resist. 

I resist because it hurts. I resist because I am human. I resist because I am tired. And I resist because I would be crazy to "want" to have the experience of such a deep wound - yet again.

Carrying around this ticking time bomb of grief is not something you get used to. But my new found awareness tells me to again make it welcome. Actually I am not sure what else you can to do with it...other than create space in your day to just feel it. 

Just feel it.  Hey - I'm a Nike commercial for mental health! 

Just feel it. 

Eventually I do just feel it. And it hurts - just like it did before. And it goes away - just like it did before. And I forget about it for a while - just like I did before. Then it comes back - just like it did before. 

Just feel it. 

This is the hardest work I have ever done.

What hard work are you avoiding?

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Don't Be Alarmed

Don't be alarmed. A poem written at a time of strong feeling is a good thing...for me. It expresses itself so I can get on with the day. This to shall pass.

Desolation

Parched, cracked and dry.

Formidable aching crunches me into tiny pieces like sand.

Alone, without, encumbered, unfrequented and grief stricken.

Near the rim of Death deserted flowers survive.

Quarterly it rains and hope saves seeds for safe keeping.

But no blossoms bloom here.

Desolation and dust insubstantially drifting

denying life.

Coming to my rescue 

the rain of my tears.

Healing slowly,

slowly, slowly, S-L-O-W-L-Y.

How do you move from Darkness to the Light?

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Happiness is a Choice

"Happiness can be cultivated" says Shawn Achor, author of Before Happiness. He calls it Happiness Hygiene and says it is as essential to living as brushing our teeth and eating right. Here are 5 Two Minute Happiness Drills which Achor's research has proven to actually have the power to make us happier people. His work challenges us to do one or more of these drills for 21 days in order to experience the real difference for ourselves.

Shawn says these practical changes in our behavior are happiness building blocks. These practices allow us to see more meaning in our lives thus increasing our happiness. Which in turn creates an experience of deeper and more enduring joy... for ourselves and others. That's right, Shawn says as we care for our own Happiness Hygiene there exists the real possibility it will spread to those around us.

So here are the 5 Two Minute Happiness Drills that may change the world! Or just make you smile more often. Either way - this is "good stuff making!"

1. SAY ALOUD three NEW gratitudes when you awake each morning.

2. MOVE your body in fun mindful cardio activity - OK this one wants about 10 - 15 minutes!

3. SIT in stillness or meditate - quietly watching your breath for 2 minutes does count!

4. SEND A THANK YOU note, email, or call to someone you know.

5. WRITE a detailed recollection of a happy moment from last 24 hours for just 2 minutes.

If you are like me --- looking at implementing yet another regular routine can feel daunting.  Well suck this one up & GET HAPPY DAMN IT! It is only two minutes... and we need you on our team! 

Too rough?

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The Bigger Picture May Be Hard to Swallow

"It’s like Mahatma Gandhi gets put in jail and they give him a lice-infested uniform and tell him to clean the latrines, and it’s a whole mess. And he walks up to the head of the guards and he says, in total truth, “Thank you.” He’s not putting them on or up-leveling them. He’s saying, “There’s a teaching here, and I’m getting it; thank you.” ~ ram dass

I have come to know that in most cases the experience I am having at any given moment is just one piece of it All. And I also know I will never fully understand the entire nature of how and why different things manifest into and out of my life. Knowing this is the cornerstone of Unconditional Trust. I hope you won't find this hard to swallow.

What is the relationship between Unconditional Trust and Gratitude?

To become aware that all is well no matter your present circumstance is to experience Unconditional Trust. Actively living Unconditional Trust frees up thoughts and feelings from fear and lack and doubt and let's them soar toward compassion, wonder and new possibilities.

Having experienced loss on a grand scale (the death of my husband) and now more recently in several much smaller ways - a broken necklace, a busted computer, and the real loss of a job - I see there has been a shift. In the past my response to the sudden upsetting of my apple cart was sadness, anger or fear of future or failure. Within this new paradigm my response is that of the witness. I am more reflective. 

I catch myself before things get too far gone. I stop and question the truth of the thing. I look for real places where I can be grateful as life conspires to grow me up. And the best thing is the more I shepard myself toward this new knowing the more automatic it becomes. 

One by one I consciously wash away these reflexive emotionally charged situations and replace them with gratitude. Some may see this as giving up or giving in.  I am not giving up, I am getting on with it! This is an acceptance of what is and an active form of compassion for myself and all others. 

Conditions I see in front of me are only one piece of it. I experience Peace knowing this. So what is the relationship between Unconditional Trust and Gratitude? 

I think they are the same thing...

What do you think?

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McGee, Keats & Chödrön on Transformation

"What hurts us can cripple us, but it can also shape us into something more powerful. But this requires presence. It requires having a different perspective about what it means to hurt and what it means to experience emotional trauma. One way to change our perspective is to look at our wounds as sacred things. Our sacred wounds can be a great source of personal development. 

Like John Keats wrote --- 

'Do you not see how necessary a world of pains and troubles is to school an intelligence and make it a soul?' ---

Indeed, allowing our wounds to become sacred is allowing Ego to become Soul. If we really allow ourselves to live greatly, we must open ourselves up to being present to our sacred wounds. The ability to have an authentic engagement with life takes the courage to face prior heartache and pain, and the ability to cultivate it and refine it. Either way, the pain and heartache will be there. The question is whether or not we have the courage to transform it into something that can refine our soul. 

Pema Chödrön said it best ---

'We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.' -- 

Letting there be room is allowing for a space, a sacred space, where we can be fully present with our pain." ~ Gary Z McGee

In Blue | April 13, 2014 at 6:08 am | URL: http://wp.me/p1Wc4z-2jp

Heartbreak

"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option." ~Mark Twain

It is real - the root of the thing. 

But is made distant by

the everything else.

I am creative and powerful

Yet I cannot shun the weight of it

It is cornered - me and it together

Win some, lose some

Be careful what you wish for

It cannot be you 

It can never be you

It can only be the Truth

Not enough chocolate in the world...

2013 Grief Olympics

Here is a recount made last year to a friend about things as they were unfolding for me then. Remembering where I was gives me clarity on how far I have come!

"I made it past 3 of the 4 challenging events - Mike's B-Day, my B-Day and the fact that my B-Day was such a milestone - I am 50 years old on Aug 3.

The retreat, which my sister insisted I attend with her, was a great place to be during this highly charged time. A friend of mine from HS drove down from SF and took me to Pebble Beach for a birthday dinner celebration. We drove through Carmel first where he insisted on getting me a birthday gift ( some sandals). And then we stopped by the place where he had deposited his fathers ashes years earlier. On the last night of the retreat a dance was held. There I danced like I haven't danced in years. It was unforgettable...the way I turned 50! And so unexpected as well.

BTW - retreat was at Asilomar Lodge in Pacific Grove CA. There lots of nice people gathered to do workshops and have a great time otherwise. Not stuffy ideologues, but wide open folks wishing everyone find their own path their own way.

So had a great time and am now preparing for final summer challenge in Lani's Grief Olympics - taking Mike's ashes to beach exactly 1 year after his death. I will have loads of family support and we will make it happen.

I had an urn made by a potter friend of mine. Mike loved the color yellow. I put his ashes in it this evening. It is all so surreal...One minute I am up and next I am curled up in a weeping ball. Just keepin' it together these days is all I can manage. I am so grateful for every one's giving-ness of their time and their attention."

Do you have a way to gage your here & now wonderfulness?

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Get Busy Livin'

"Life presses upon us, forever challenging us with new forms of vitality that threaten the status quo which feels so good with its stability and peace. Religions seem to hate Pan and his vitality. Often, they prefer the death principle. Let things be as they always have been. No intrusions of vitality, please. I think that people in general are more afraid of living than of dying." ~Thomas Moore

It does not get more plain and to the point. "Vitality" is a very tricky word. Broken apart it's root is VITAL. What is vital in a life is air, water, food...all the Maslovian basics. But "Vitality" also connotes the energy that undergirds sexuality, pleasure and all things joyful.

Strange that one word would suggest two such diverse ends of a spectrum. Unless, as Thomas suggested, the enjoying of basic needs - air, water and food - with the same passion and pleasure that sexuality affords is in effect an expression of Spirituality.

We have all heard tell of that person who ENJOYS life. We have seen that person in movies and read of her in books. I have always held her in high esteem. And have always (until now) subconsciously wanted to be like her. To take a bite out of life, to take pleasure in pleasure freely and without apology. 

Frankly I've had my moments. My birthday last year was one. I was suffering the fairly recent death of my husband and turning the culturally charged age of 50 at the same time. How does one go through this without feeling massive amounts of pain? 

Well it was a miracle. Amazing Grace, and my sister, placed me in a place and among loving people. And as the bewitching hour approached I found myself dancing with complete abandon. My body flung itself iinto action, rhythmically pulsating and gyrating and bending and twisting with great joy and ease. "I" was lost and "I" was found at the same time. 

This was a gift of great proportions which I will never forget. Oh and being 50, by the way, boy oh boy was I SORE afterwards! 

So I get what Thomas is asking us to explore and embrace - if we can. I am so grateful for this lesson at this time in my life. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!

"Get busy livin' or get busy dyin'." What movie is that from?

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Resistance

 

Lots of pain and lots of tears and lots of strategies employed to get through a rough patch. I am so weary of revisiting these dark places. But by claiming and naming them, by the simple passage of time, and with help from those who care about me - I am slowly coming back from this episode to a life I prefer to live. One of joy, peace, love, and laughter. 

Sumo Wrestlers, that's what I saw when I asked to see behind my pain this time. A small circular battlefield confined this fight between two powerful forces, each agreeing to resist the other. This was me against myself, refusing to give in to 'what is' and pushing against reality with all my might.

I must step aside. 

Instantly I knew by stepping aside the natural FLOW of things would be restored, the tiny battlefield would have the opportunity to once again become an unbounded playing field and I would begin to feel better. 

And so I have been working hard to maintain this stance of non-resistance. Yes, I know I have done this before, but I guess I am not done learning. It is not so easy for a strong willed woman such as myself to let go. And this lesson, like most of the important ones, has many levels to it.

Today I am a follower - a truth seeking giver of nurturing love. I am awake doing just what is in front of me and letting energy FLOW freely through me once again. 

Wonder how long this will last? No matter - there is only NOW to be concerned with anyway. This is the universal recipe for success of any kind!

"Unwanted Wisdom" that's what some call the stuff we get from painful life experiences. Really is true you know. The truth is we do not get to choose everything that happens to us. But we do get to choose how we react to what happens to us.

Are there things you have to keep learning and relearning?

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Square 1

I am hoping this day finds you well and well loved in your lovely abode. I wrote this about one year ago. Seems appropriate to revisit it for I am feeling like I am here again - at square 1 - today.

February 10, 2013

I am approaching the beginning of week 3 of experiment Lani. I am finding that a planned activity  - just one mind you - for each day is a must have.

It allows the illusion of accomplishment.

And lends structure. I choose this "task" before going to bed the nite before. 

And I have optional tasks I can add if the mood suits. The objective is to keep  moving toward my goal - at a pace that fits me well, leaving room for flexibility and miracles.

What is my goal, you may be asking yourself? I ask myself this regularly because I ache to move on, Beats me! "Healing" comes to mind. I wish I had more clarity, but it is not to be at this time. "Ask again later," says the magic 8 Ball that has become my life. Not so bad really, just different than before.

Different than before my husband got sick. Different than before I helped my husband die. Different than before I quit my job. Different than before I was forced to look within because everything without is so... so... different.

January 22, 2014

A few things have changed. Most days I let flow w/o needing to accomplish something. I sometimes have multiple tasks per day and I sometimes have no tasks and am accepting of this.

I have an inkling I am going to teach again, but the initial enthusiasm is meeting with some resistance...more will be revealed! I have built in some external supports to help me along...but sure could use more support!

What is the same is the knowledge that everything is definitely different than I have ever known before.

Viva la difference - perhaps?

How are you different from a year ago?

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