Deep Inside the Darkness is Light

"As long as you do not know what you are experiencing inside, you are asleep in your life, even though you may think you are very awake." ~gary zukav 

Protection has got me thinking and feeling small. Rejection is fresh and overt as I begin to date again. It is harder than I thought it would be after losing my husband to illness almost 3 years ago.

I have done the work. I have opened myself up and have reaped many rewards - brand new friendships, awesome new experiences and a boat load of new emotions & feelings. But it seems there is still more work to do. Alas as I drill down even more deeply I am finding more growing... and more pain. 

There is this idea lurking deep down inside me that no one will ever love me again the way my husband loved me. The way we loved each other. And perhaps, I have to admit, I will never love again the way I loved him.

Does this mean all my efforts so far are useless? Or am I just arrived at yet another level for potential healing? 

My experience tells me I must allow these deep feelings a voice. I acknowledged these feelings as I watched them express themselves sideways as my own self-judgement and tears. 

Reflecting on these ideas, "my truths," makes way for new beliefs to take hold. I acknowledge "these truths" may not be so true so I can cleanse myself of limiting beliefs.

And most importantly, I acknowledge these "truths" so I may move forward with love and compassion for my predicament and towards new better ways that serve my deepest desire for amazement, freedom and joy this year!

Jack Kornfield says, "Wise spiritual practice requires that we actively address the pain and conflict of our life." 

Like a spring bulb I must want to grow to break through the mud and earth toward my newly blossoming self! Just did not figure it would hurt so much...again.

What light is hidden from you by the dark?

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Clarity: A Master Class

"What you are, and who you are should provide greater clarity about where you have been and where you are headed. Although one distinguishes spiritual from physical nature, the ultimate unification of the two is the consequence of the struggle for internal, external and eternal – peace." ~t.f. hodge

Clarity really messes up everything I already know to be true! Is it bad when you are shown the way and you just keep walking -  like it never happened? Clarity looms close. I can feel it. It is lurking in the shadows waiting for me to know some more damn Truth.

30 years ago I was living a life that came spontaneously like waves - ahhh youth!  My conscious efforts were spent writing and performing comedy and assisting the universe in finding me a mate. Almost 23 years ago I married Mike. 2 1/2 years ago Mike died.

Since then I have been actively rebuilding my life. It is a strange and hard task which requires much energy. Clarity has asked me to allow every feeling that comes up to be felt then flushed through my delicate system. OK… so it is an intensely robust system I have… but it hurts bunches just the same.

Well - I did it. And I did it well! Circumstances have been unfolding just fine with joy, grace and ease. But lately, this last week, I am crying a lot. I know this is Clarity stalking me again!

Yep - I am shedding what is left of my past life with Mike. I am getting the message I cannot go any farther without doing this. It seems these tears come from an extremely vast reservoir the size of which I will NEVER comprehend.

I thought I had let go already. I guess letting go in your thoughts and deeds is just not the same as letting go in the deepest part of your heart - that thing that is just now cracking wide open - again. 

So I find myself accepting - again - this weepy invitation to feel! And it hurts. But I know, from this, I will grow. 

Damn you, Clarity!

How do you process pain?

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Perfectly Imperfect!!

Yes - it feels good to see how life is unfolding warts and all; to generate appreciation for a stubbed toe or a missed class. 

There are six pots in my second story window box and one is not getting water due to an out-of-joint drip line. So a little dry brown sprig of dead Asparagus Fern sits stiffly up in the middle of five thriving vessels brimming over with tri-colored Ivys and red Impatiens. As I drive up to my house it waves at me welcoming me home. And I smile. I smile because I know it is OK until I get around to fixing it. And honestly - I am in no hurry.

It is my flag, my banner, my reminder that within all of everything there is some ugly stuff. And knowing this - I mean knowing in the deepest part of myself - I am comforted. And in accepting this life in all of it's manifestations, for me, brings ease to flow.

I am preparing myself for the hard days ahead - when dates will mean more than usual. In celebrating imperfection I am learning to stand my ground as I willingly allow all that comes my way to surge forth. This is how I am healing myself.

You see Michael, my husband now deceased, would have been 54 near the end of July. And it will be two years since his passing sometime in August. And I will celebrate my birthday in between these luminescent dates. Right now the calendar is not looking like my friend. 

But I am finding strength in being conscious so as I encounter those things that wrench my heart sideways I can let them go and watch them pass. BTW - this does not hurt any less, but it heals more. 

In deciding to enjoy a perfectly imperfect life this summer I can happily follow my joys at the same time I am grieving great loss. Contradictory things like this are in everyday life. My experience in revealing this truth, for me, is good stuff making! 

This is why I can laugh as I look down at my freshly shaven legs today. I have left a tiny trail of hairs. a mohawk, front and center on my right shin. Just another sign "all is well" even if a bit uneven! 

So tomorrow I will get on with it. I have a few chores to do. Got a second story garden to till, one leg to shave and a whole lot of healing to do.

What's on your to do list today?

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Follow the Sun

Making your new best life fit in with whatever is happening right now can be a very organic motion. It is as natural as a flower reaching it's head toward the morning sun - and then following the sun throughout the day until dusk.

Your conscious intention is the sunlight to which you will naturally turn once you begin to regularly adjust your attention to it.

No I cannot say I have mastered this in my own life, but I know for sure - this is how it works! But knowing how it works is not enough. You have to be willing to be uncomfortable.

I am uncomfortable right now because of the increasing distance between the "emerging me" and the intense grief that still comes to visit - but not stay. In these moments, even though I am told this condition is very natural, I can still judge myself harshly. Stretching beyond what is familiar is inherently an uncomfortable thing. But as I find that place, the sweet spot, where new ideas attach to and effect old behaviors my life has begun to blossom with ease.

It helps too if I can be as FORGIVING as I am attentive. In this real life game of Chutes & Ladders we all move forward because we must. And we all slide backwards because we do - you know we do! ACCEPTANCE of ourselves, and others, as we slide down the chute (again) is the loving choice. 

We can do this because we know the sun will rise again and we will get another chance to follow it!

Wanna play?

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The Hard Work of Feeling

"...establish that role to be a listener to the mystery…" 

~ ram dass

I have been caught again by my own tear ducts. They have felt the need to do what they do and I have to decide if I want to let them do it. 

Not fully appreciating that in letting them have their way I would be better off - I silently and completely undermine them. I watch TV to become numb. I stay awake way into the early morning hours to strain my body making 'feeling anything' nearly impossible. I eat way past the time of fullness. This physical discomfort distracts me too from feeling "other" things.

"That is strange" I hear myself saying, "how am I still generating such mythic stores of pain?" I am so surprised - with all my new found depth and awareness - that I am still playing this game of hide and seek. "Why whatever do you mean? No! I am so much better now beacuse so many days have passed since my husband died." 

It just boggles my mind. But my soul knows.

It knows this new found depth of mine is a carving out of sorts. And it is this "carving out" that is painful. 

It knows I am still surprised because I have no earthly idea how truly deep this shit really goes. There is no precedent for it. My limited awareness cannot conceive of this kind of vastness. 

It knows this is the uncomfortable mystery. And in order to transform it I must work hard to establish my role as a listener to it. Yet I still resist. 

I resist because it hurts. I resist because I am human. I resist because I am tired. And I resist because I would be crazy to "want" to have the experience of such a deep wound - yet again.

Carrying around this ticking time bomb of grief is not something you get used to. But my new found awareness tells me to again make it welcome. Actually I am not sure what else you can to do with it...other than create space in your day to just feel it. 

Just feel it.  Hey - I'm a Nike commercial for mental health! 

Just feel it. 

Eventually I do just feel it. And it hurts - just like it did before. And it goes away - just like it did before. And I forget about it for a while - just like I did before. Then it comes back - just like it did before. 

Just feel it. 

This is the hardest work I have ever done.

What hard work are you avoiding?

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Homecoming & My Practice

I just got back from a delightful trip to Baltimore. And after four straight days of loving, embracing and renewing connections with family and friends I dearly cherish and being equally embraced and loved by them - I am having a tough time being at home again. 

A vast difference has been shown to me and it is causing this feeling of über darkness. I feel weakened and wounded and completely undone... again!

These folks from my hood know me so well, have my best interest at heart and accept me just as I am. Among them I feel myself and sooooo connected again. Visiting with them reminds me how much I miss having *special & deep* connections in my daily life.

This morning when I awoke, this evening when I left work and right now --- relentless and giant waves of tears are showing up. And even though I know I am graciously supported at all times and in all ways, I am unable to stop them. It is during times like these I am reminded that "being conscious" does not mean everything will always be rosy.   

Showering and getting ready for work this morning I made a choice - I had to - so I could function. I chose to know I am completely supported and I am always graciously provided with everything I need. By shifting my consciousness to this awareness I was able to get on with my day. 

Now at home - alone - I can let these tears fly accepting them and praying the pain that accompanies them will be moved along like loitering kids off a dimly lit street corner. "Go home you trouble makers!" Find a space that brings you comfort and rest there a while. 

If I can only find what false beliefs are back of these tears then I can burn them off and with them a harmful piece of me. Then I can rest. Then I can emerge better than before. 

So my plan is to allow this latest grief tsunami to explode and dissipate while I simultaneously practice knowing "all is well." And I really need to practice cuz I am in the depths here tonite. This is a very heavy lift right now. Writing about it and doing it are two entirely different matters...here I go!

What do you do when things get really rough?

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Square 1

I am hoping this day finds you well and well loved in your lovely abode. I wrote this about one year ago. Seems appropriate to revisit it for I am feeling like I am here again - at square 1 - today.

February 10, 2013

I am approaching the beginning of week 3 of experiment Lani. I am finding that a planned activity  - just one mind you - for each day is a must have.

It allows the illusion of accomplishment.

And lends structure. I choose this "task" before going to bed the nite before. 

And I have optional tasks I can add if the mood suits. The objective is to keep  moving toward my goal - at a pace that fits me well, leaving room for flexibility and miracles.

What is my goal, you may be asking yourself? I ask myself this regularly because I ache to move on, Beats me! "Healing" comes to mind. I wish I had more clarity, but it is not to be at this time. "Ask again later," says the magic 8 Ball that has become my life. Not so bad really, just different than before.

Different than before my husband got sick. Different than before I helped my husband die. Different than before I quit my job. Different than before I was forced to look within because everything without is so... so... different.

January 22, 2014

A few things have changed. Most days I let flow w/o needing to accomplish something. I sometimes have multiple tasks per day and I sometimes have no tasks and am accepting of this.

I have an inkling I am going to teach again, but the initial enthusiasm is meeting with some resistance...more will be revealed! I have built in some external supports to help me along...but sure could use more support!

What is the same is the knowledge that everything is definitely different than I have ever known before.

Viva la difference - perhaps?

How are you different from a year ago?

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Attachment

"By extending our ordinary feelings of love and concern beyond their usual biased limits, love is freed from the restrictions of attachment." ~ HHDL

Finding attachment to be the source of many of my tears, I am intrigued by this quote. Grieving loss or Fear of losing something to which I am attached appears suddenly childlike today. I am thinking of a pacifier, a blanket... or a husband perhaps?

As an adult you would think we would give up these attachments because we see children go thru so much suffering when they want something very badly. Or when they have the thing they love and it falls from their mouths or arms or is otherwise misplaced.

And we work very hard to break them of these attachments because they are "growing up" and should learn to let go of such things. 

The first day of school can be a challenge for some children (and parents) very attached to eachother. But we do the HARD work necessary to train detachment so our children can become independently functioning beings. Is this what is meant above by "love is freed from restrictions of attachment"?

What are these "biased limits"? I wonder if they are those external things that we think we NEED to make us happy, feel secure and otherwise soothe us. Who is there to help us adults do the hard work of letting go here? 

Perhaps I can use meditation to extend my ordinary feelings of love and concern beyond their biased limits to become more open-hearted and a little freer from suffering!

Yes - this is more hard work. But it has all been hard these last 18 months since Michael died. Why should this be any different? 

I do admit though - I sure could use a vacation from the work of being me. The work of managing my sorrow and cultivating my future by actively staying awake in the present. That must be why I imagine loving again - in this new way - a detached way. 

Can Loving get easier?

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Fabricating a Life

When I was sick, before Michael died, he would make me a cup of tea if I asked him to. Not anymore. And when I was sick and he came to bed, if he saw I had scarfed one of his pillows he would say plainly, "Come on - give it up." And he would take it from me when I was reluctant to do so. Not anymore. So I have to make my own tea now. But I get all the pillows! Just a peek into my memory bank about Michael and our life together. If you are scoring - seems like a wash. But of course, it is not that simple. Wish it was. Day-to-day I think, "who I am...now?"

I did not experience it like that at first. Death of a spouse, at first, was just so much swamp to be moved through. So much heavy, thick and somber muck to be cleared. And it was relentless. Day and night, inside and outside, close and far away - something was always calling to be cut away, signed for, or hugged and cherished.  And in the beginning there was so much to do and so many folks to help. We got through it.

Now it seems I am more settled into my game. Things are in there right places and friends have moved on. Not away from me necessarily, just back into their own lives, their regular routines. I can be trusted to handle things by myself now. Though I still ask for help when I need it. And I have made new friends!

So here I am, creating a new life. I know...it sounds so daunting. Funny thing too - I just realized -  I do not recall ever doing this before. I know I made choices and I ended up in places where I met people and I did things. But looking back, none of it seemed to be so deliberate. At least not as deliberate as it is now. What's up with that? Is it normal to be so carefully pondering each piece of that life as I fashion this new one? Is this new life not made of whole cloth? Living consciously is the difference, I think.

In aiming to live consciously I am coming to learn how to ask for what I want. And at the same time I am defiantly learning Acceptance of what is. Doing these two things in concert is a gift. Doing these two things in concert intertwines my own true nature with the true nature of that which is Universal. Back and forth I go, traveling between Acceptance and Desire. Sometimes feeling deep pain and sorrow. And sometimes I move with Grace and ease. What makes the difference here? It just depends on how awake I am to the moment.

Living intentionally with both Acceptance and Desire is a struggle. But it is these opposing forces which chug the cogs on the wheel of life forward. It is this shuttling back and forth between the two that weaves us into eternity. The minutes tick by, the kettle boils and the standard falls. Consciousness just naturally oscillates in character. This has really bugged me in the past. "Why can't I stay awake more?"  Now I know it is OK. It is just the natural warp and weft of the fabric of life. Acceptance has cleared the way for fabricating a life made up from my deepest desires. Can't wait to see what those will be...

What is hard for you to Accept?


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