Clarity: A Master Class

"What you are, and who you are should provide greater clarity about where you have been and where you are headed. Although one distinguishes spiritual from physical nature, the ultimate unification of the two is the consequence of the struggle for internal, external and eternal – peace." ~t.f. hodge

Clarity really messes up everything I already know to be true! Is it bad when you are shown the way and you just keep walking -  like it never happened? Clarity looms close. I can feel it. It is lurking in the shadows waiting for me to know some more damn Truth.

30 years ago I was living a life that came spontaneously like waves - ahhh youth!  My conscious efforts were spent writing and performing comedy and assisting the universe in finding me a mate. Almost 23 years ago I married Mike. 2 1/2 years ago Mike died.

Since then I have been actively rebuilding my life. It is a strange and hard task which requires much energy. Clarity has asked me to allow every feeling that comes up to be felt then flushed through my delicate system. OK… so it is an intensely robust system I have… but it hurts bunches just the same.

Well - I did it. And I did it well! Circumstances have been unfolding just fine with joy, grace and ease. But lately, this last week, I am crying a lot. I know this is Clarity stalking me again!

Yep - I am shedding what is left of my past life with Mike. I am getting the message I cannot go any farther without doing this. It seems these tears come from an extremely vast reservoir the size of which I will NEVER comprehend.

I thought I had let go already. I guess letting go in your thoughts and deeds is just not the same as letting go in the deepest part of your heart - that thing that is just now cracking wide open - again. 

So I find myself accepting - again - this weepy invitation to feel! And it hurts. But I know, from this, I will grow. 

Damn you, Clarity!

How do you process pain?

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Viva Les Questions!

"It can't just be about others because it's too depleting. It can't just be about ourselves because it's too lonely." ~Jason Garner

Everywhere everyday opportunities arise to help ourselves and to help others but where is the balance? How can we next make the right decision to help ourselves or to help others? What kind of mastermind can hone in on the right thing today to do right now?

These are an awful lot of questions. But I have found when I ask questions it is not my responsibility to answer them. It is only my responsibility to form them from a deep and meaningful place within my heart. And I know if I do this, from this place, the answers will come to me easily.

Takes a load off doesn't it? 

It is so great to know you don't have to have the answers. You only have to ask the RIGHT question! 

These questions are both the key to our suffering and the key to our joy. I am certain you are totally aware we all have easy access to our own questions. They just naturally exist in us all. They are as individual to each of us ad our own particular journeys. And they all contain the answers we are seeking within them!

Just ask them. 

Just ask them WITH FEELING from a sincere place deep inside your heart knowing in the asking the answer lies. 

I have found great peace in allowing myself to just live in my questions like this  - for I know the answers will come. 

Got any questions?

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Homecoming & My Practice

I just got back from a delightful trip to Baltimore. And after four straight days of loving, embracing and renewing connections with family and friends I dearly cherish and being equally embraced and loved by them - I am having a tough time being at home again. 

A vast difference has been shown to me and it is causing this feeling of über darkness. I feel weakened and wounded and completely undone... again!

These folks from my hood know me so well, have my best interest at heart and accept me just as I am. Among them I feel myself and sooooo connected again. Visiting with them reminds me how much I miss having *special & deep* connections in my daily life.

This morning when I awoke, this evening when I left work and right now --- relentless and giant waves of tears are showing up. And even though I know I am graciously supported at all times and in all ways, I am unable to stop them. It is during times like these I am reminded that "being conscious" does not mean everything will always be rosy.   

Showering and getting ready for work this morning I made a choice - I had to - so I could function. I chose to know I am completely supported and I am always graciously provided with everything I need. By shifting my consciousness to this awareness I was able to get on with my day. 

Now at home - alone - I can let these tears fly accepting them and praying the pain that accompanies them will be moved along like loitering kids off a dimly lit street corner. "Go home you trouble makers!" Find a space that brings you comfort and rest there a while. 

If I can only find what false beliefs are back of these tears then I can burn them off and with them a harmful piece of me. Then I can rest. Then I can emerge better than before. 

So my plan is to allow this latest grief tsunami to explode and dissipate while I simultaneously practice knowing "all is well." And I really need to practice cuz I am in the depths here tonite. This is a very heavy lift right now. Writing about it and doing it are two entirely different matters...here I go!

What do you do when things get really rough?

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McGee, Keats & Chödrön on Transformation

"What hurts us can cripple us, but it can also shape us into something more powerful. But this requires presence. It requires having a different perspective about what it means to hurt and what it means to experience emotional trauma. One way to change our perspective is to look at our wounds as sacred things. Our sacred wounds can be a great source of personal development. 

Like John Keats wrote --- 

'Do you not see how necessary a world of pains and troubles is to school an intelligence and make it a soul?' ---

Indeed, allowing our wounds to become sacred is allowing Ego to become Soul. If we really allow ourselves to live greatly, we must open ourselves up to being present to our sacred wounds. The ability to have an authentic engagement with life takes the courage to face prior heartache and pain, and the ability to cultivate it and refine it. Either way, the pain and heartache will be there. The question is whether or not we have the courage to transform it into something that can refine our soul. 

Pema Chödrön said it best ---

'We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.' -- 

Letting there be room is allowing for a space, a sacred space, where we can be fully present with our pain." ~ Gary Z McGee

In Blue | April 13, 2014 at 6:08 am | URL: http://wp.me/p1Wc4z-2jp

Heartbreak

"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option." ~Mark Twain

It is real - the root of the thing. 

But is made distant by

the everything else.

I am creative and powerful

Yet I cannot shun the weight of it

It is cornered - me and it together

Win some, lose some

Be careful what you wish for

It cannot be you 

It can never be you

It can only be the Truth

Not enough chocolate in the world...

I Love You Universe!

I am having a real tough realization today. It is rather embarrassing and I feel really raw but the TRUTH does that to us - doesn't it?!

Found out last nite that 'my crush' has happily found a sweetheart of his own. He has never responded to me in any way other than as a caring and casual friend. But I have always held out hope for more ---- eventually.  

And having been consistently infatuated with the idea of us becoming spiritual partners, I have found a way to stave off the reality that I am truly on my own with no one to care about me like my husband used to. (Our song "What a Wonderful World" is playing on the radio right now so I figure my hubby is with me right now as these lessons wash over me!) With my fantasy busted I feel the loss of a very REAL protective device. OUCH - OUCH! What's a little more pain? I have been in pain since Michael died... more or less.

Plus this news has walloped me right in the TRUTH department! It reveals the difference between "what I say" and "what is really going on" inside the deepest part of myself. Another TRUTH is my crush has always been a "passive" teacher for me. For this I am grateful. I really do love him for that!

And, if I look very closely, there is good news afoot...

~ I am stronger.
I have been aware since the very beginning these feelings I have for my crush are a BIG DISTRACTION. And even though all the signs have always pointed me in this direction, I have clung to this fantasy and refused to let it go. At the same time focusing on this affair rather than on myself, my healing and my journey has allowed me some measure of comfort when I needed it. So I guess the universe figures I am stronger now and can handle the truth.

~ I am whole, perfect and complete.
Having my fantasy withdrawn in this real way exposes that place inside me that says "you are small and unloved and NOT intrinsically worthy." So now that I have unearthed this shadow, I am committed to pulling this weed out of my soul garden so I may heal in a more deeper way. I have actually been asking to reveal that place within that is whole complete and perfect so I can see what it feels like to create from here rather than from a place of hunger and lack. Be careful what you ask for ladies and gentlemen!

~ I am awake.
I have become so aware of my emotions, that I actually felt the difference between a "HURT EGO" and a "SOUL PAIN" Losing my husband is a SOUL PAIN that will always be with me. My crush's natural preference for other than me feels less dense but no less sharp. And I am confident, though it does really hurt now, it will heal quickly. I am so grateful for this knowing and it's valuable lessons. This episode has shown me I am more internally aware than I have ever been before.

~ I am capable of Big Love
Lastly, I am so happy that a man I love is being loved and feeling loved. It has been another goal of mine to love with detachment. This is a great place to leave this event. I sense both of us have been wanting real connections, but have been trying to play it safe and protect ourselves at the same time. So if he can open his heart to let love into his life than this bodes well for all of us!

The oddest, almost comical aspect to all of this is that I had my annual meeting with my accountants this AM to discuss the status of my portfolio. So you see - this time - this day - this moment -  is really about MY SELF WORTH in all ways imaginable!

I love you Michael, I love you Mr. Crush and I love you Universe!

Thanks for listening ~


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Beginning Anew...Again

“The mind creates the abyss, the heart crosses it.” ~ Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj

"A time comes in your life when you finally get it…when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out…enough! Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on. Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are…and that’s OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions. You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself…and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval. You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you – or didn’t do for you – and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. 

You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility. Finally, with courage in your heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can." ~ Sonny Carrol

Darkness, Play, Joy

"What if this is what it looks like while my dream of the end of Apartheid is happening?  What if my being in this very situation is... part of... my overcoming?"~Nelson Mandela about his imprisonment

"Just how do we deal with agitations of the dark? How do we make our way through the tangle of being confused or sad or blocked in understanding a way to tomorrow? It seems natural enough to treat our problems like an overgrown path and go hacking our way through, doing small violence to ourselves. Yet this insight from an ancient Chinese text implies something harder and simpler. It implies that agitation itself is dark, that only when we can keep our hands off will there be room for light. It seems that agitations of the dark always cover over.  For myself, I worked for years covering over sore lesions of esteem with agitations of accomplishment, till my heart was covered over with a thicket of achievements. Only when I put the achievements aside did the light begin to move. Only then did a Universal warmth reach my sore center. Only when I let the dark energies rest did I begin to heal" ~Mark Nepo

"Play is simply the pleasure that comes from doing something directly for the soul and spirit, something that is free of the heavy ego and the seriousness of our own intentions. This idea takes us back to the important discussion we had about enjoying life rather than justifying it by working hard and being intent on helping others. Thoreau once said that if a neighbor came to his house to help him, he'd go out the back door. (not his exact words). If helping isn't a form of play, then it, too, may not be very spiritual. The lack of play is a sign of too much ego or a history of repression." ~Thomas Moore

"When we are willing to be intimate with what actually is here now, to look directly at all of our experience, we might recognize that this is our life, however different from our thoughts and ideas about it. It is as if we hunker down and actually get very real, recognizing that our thoughts of gaining and losing, good and bad, happy and sad, are what distance us from ourselves. When we breathe in fully and pause, we clear a space in our mind without judgment. If we are willing to hang in with the practice over and over again, noticing how our thoughts of gaining or losing distance us from ourselves and from what is, we open ourselves to a whole new reality. We came into intimacy with everything; we enter a world of joy that is so close, to pervasive, that we are surprised we haven't been aware of its presence all along. Once Dongshan was asked, 'What is the deepest truth? What is the wisdom that liberates?' His response was, 'I am always close to this.' It is the closeness itself- the intimacy with what is here with us now- that is the truth that liberates us. Imagine being so close to your experience of life!" ~Roshi Pat Enkyo O'Hara

What do you think about thinking?

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Good Work and Wonder

Woke up concerned with everyday life. The unperturbed flow of living. The feed the dog, pour milk on the cereal, kiss goodbye, go to work life. I love this life. I miss this life. I have gotten too used to living lopsided. Shoved side to side by wide capriciously swaying emotions, I am ready to assail this grief riddled mayhem for a more cooperative way of being. It is not so much that I am tired or that my broken heart is completely healed. I just miss regular-ness. 

How can I do this? Can I just chose to shift my intentions like that - like so much furniture in a room? Just move this attitude over there by the window so it gets more light. And get rid of that old wobbly chair that no longer serves? Heck ya!  

This morning I salute a thing called Wonder. It is that small surprise or regular happening that when you string enough of them together creates a joyful life. Today I recognize Wonder as sacred. This is a fine direction for a new-ish life.

The second directive from myself to myself is "No more Toiling." I will follow my intuition and let my emotions move freely without resistance.  "Feel Deal and Heal" is my motto! It is hard work but it is Good Work... which is nothing to do with Toiling. Good Work expands. Toil diminishes. Manifesting itself under the supervision of misery and sorrow Toil is never finished. Good Work has no such taskmasters. And Good Work is always completed.  Whether hard or easy, painful or fun, Good Work leaves you sated and transcendently satisfied with no regrets. 

Like yoga, Good Work stretches you a little each day until the old you is nothing like the you who awakes today. Changing small bits is best, but we don't always get a choice. A car spins out of control, there is a fall from a cliff, or we discover a fatal flaw in ourselves or others that makes it impossible to continue. Then it seems change descends upon us. 

The philosopher Soren Kierkegaard wrote, "Growth and change are hard. In fact the only thing harder is not growing or changing." 

However we arrive at change let's wave our flag high and proud. Daily we become more our selves when we agree to pay attention, have fun, let go, not toil, good work, feel pain, stretch and change.

Finally a hopeful post! I have been waiting a long time for one of these. I deserve one. You deserve one. We all deserve to roll around in the grass like happy puppies. No extra points for suffering. Life is pass fail. You will do what you are gonna do. Are you gonna do it well and joyfully or undercover in darkness and shame?

Look beyond the darkness for the light. I am ready to do more than be a survivor. I am ready to actually enjoy surviving. I am ready to live in Wonder. I wonder how Love will show up for me next? I wonder what new experience will stretch me today? I wonder where Abundance will spill into my life? I spend my day looking for answers to these wonder-filled questions!

What do you wonder?


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