Clarity: A Master Class

"What you are, and who you are should provide greater clarity about where you have been and where you are headed. Although one distinguishes spiritual from physical nature, the ultimate unification of the two is the consequence of the struggle for internal, external and eternal – peace." ~t.f. hodge

Clarity really messes up everything I already know to be true! Is it bad when you are shown the way and you just keep walking -  like it never happened? Clarity looms close. I can feel it. It is lurking in the shadows waiting for me to know some more damn Truth.

30 years ago I was living a life that came spontaneously like waves - ahhh youth!  My conscious efforts were spent writing and performing comedy and assisting the universe in finding me a mate. Almost 23 years ago I married Mike. 2 1/2 years ago Mike died.

Since then I have been actively rebuilding my life. It is a strange and hard task which requires much energy. Clarity has asked me to allow every feeling that comes up to be felt then flushed through my delicate system. OK… so it is an intensely robust system I have… but it hurts bunches just the same.

Well - I did it. And I did it well! Circumstances have been unfolding just fine with joy, grace and ease. But lately, this last week, I am crying a lot. I know this is Clarity stalking me again!

Yep - I am shedding what is left of my past life with Mike. I am getting the message I cannot go any farther without doing this. It seems these tears come from an extremely vast reservoir the size of which I will NEVER comprehend.

I thought I had let go already. I guess letting go in your thoughts and deeds is just not the same as letting go in the deepest part of your heart - that thing that is just now cracking wide open - again. 

So I find myself accepting - again - this weepy invitation to feel! And it hurts. But I know, from this, I will grow. 

Damn you, Clarity!

How do you process pain?

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Advocating for Meditation

"Through the sacred art of pausing, we develop the capacity to stop hiding, to stop running away from our experience. We begin to trust in our natural intelligence, in our naturally wise heart, in our capacity to open to whatever arises. Like awakening from a dream, in the moment of pausing our trance recedes and Radical Acceptance becomes possible." ~tara branch

Everybody has their own unique natural state, their own baseline from which all their experiences begin. Some say we can move up the vibration of this - our unique natural state - to enhance our experience of life; to increase the amounts of JOY and LOVE we are able to know.

If you knew this to be the truth, why would you not set about immediately to begin doing it? 

"The realization of eternal truth comes at the expense of all of our illusions." ~adyashanti

Aha! Well I have had nothing to lose recently so my way of raising my vibration is through meditation. If I mindfully begin by setting my intention to make more abundant JOY and LOVE in my life and then practice quietly sitting still - in a way that makes sense for me - I have found I do generate just that. Not by direct effort, i.e. analytical planning out a strategy with steps and goals, but by simple use of my breath and my mind and my body in a standard practiced way. 

I use these same capacities, my breath, mind and body, in every other of life's routine situations. When I am brushing my teeth or washing my face or cooking a meal I use them to stay healthy, to shed cells, to grow and transform. So why not use my breath, mind and body (over time) to amp up my perception?

Like clothes that are worn in bright sunlight and washed and then hung on the line over and over again - Meditation has helped me to indirectly become slowly bleached of hardship and sorrow. My natural daily responses are fading away from material concerns and focusing more toward a wholistic embodiment of loving energy. I do not know where this will lead but this is the direction in which I am going! 

Oh I still go grocery shopping, make plans, art and money. But gradually I am coming to see with these newer more joyful and loving eyes. And I see that all is well. Really...I swear! And all this "all is well" jazz started by just sitting quietly and not trying at all. This is a feat in itself - I know.

And so unlike the way we have been taught to strive for JOY and LOVE. So alien and perverse and cliche! But it works for me. This is my chosen path. And I am still living the same life I have always lived - just better by every measure.

What does your path look like?

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Getting Back to My Life

"A low point in life is sometimes a turning point. but you have to turn"  ~ thomas moore, author of Care of the Soul 

In a difficult moment I found myself saying aloud, "I can't wait to get back to my life!" And seconds later I recognized that this moment, every part and parcel of it, was my life. So I took a deep breath and thought to myself - just go with the flow.

Now I find myself thinking I am relinquishing too much control and must put order back into my life. I must invest in my own intentions. I am masterful and must take hold of the reins and choose a path!

Then I say aloud, "How do I do this exactly?"

Taking charge suggests taking action to me. Is this always the case you think?

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An Open Invitation

Crazy good explanation...I am so grateful for it's joyful clarity! http://omeleto.com/199433/

Love Beyond Measure

"For I have learned that every

heart will get

What it prays for

Most " - hafiz

How much Love can you take? 

Let's talk volume here. Is it enough? Is it too much? Can you take just a little more? And just a little more again? Why is there a set amount that is allowed? Does it burn to feel the unbounded vastness of Love's light? Is it possible to conceive of this much Love being at your disposal?

Is a little trickle thru a tiny fissure in the granite of a great stone gorge all you can abide at this time? Any fissure can become a crack. And any crack can break wide open...if you let it.

What about a gusher? What about a geyser? What about an tidal wave? Now we are talking about more than just volume. We are adding velocity. It is too much, too fast! Make it stop - all this Love! It hurts too much!

Let's just stop this all together! Let's just stop this "stopping Love." Let's just let it flow and feel it however it arrives, accept it no matter what it looks like, who brings it, or how fast (or slowly) it comes. 

Make welcome Love. Make welcome Love. Make welcome Love.

This is my prayer.

What does your heart pray for?

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Turning the Corner

"...while the voice of social conditioning manifests itself as a stream of thoughts in the head, wisdom often appears as emotions or physical sensations in the body." ~martha beck

Unfoldment

Rough hune husks fall away

Making tender tendrils shown

Creeping vines and shoots gather

In a storm of awakening

I am anew

I am crossing over

I am peachy keen apple sheen and picked clean of waste and affirmative prayers

I will not shine without my own permission

I await the next unfoldment

For what do you need your own permission?

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The Divine in Scotland

the divine in the palm of our hands

"I am where I need to be.

Everything around me

includes and hides the sacred."

                     ~ Mary Mrozowski

This includes haggis.

What is divine that is in front of you?

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Hurdles - Present and Past

I have a thirsty fish in me
that can never find enough 
of what it's thirsty for!
~ Rumi

This was my father. 

He passed away 5 days ago. He was 75 and I loved him very much and I know he loved me.

And even though I have 2 years experience in the grief department and because I have this much experience in the grief department I am aware this means almost nothing. 

Grieving is a slippery character that creeps up unexpectedly and in a surprisingly different number of ways! So part of me is OK, part of me is on guard and cautious, part of me is angry at the timing and part of me hurts. And in this order... I think.

Unlike with my husband Michael's death, with whom I had a much more intimate relationship, my father's passing feels OK-er. We lived hundreds of miles apart for the majority of my life and I have not depended on him for anything since I was a teen. There was this distance both geographically and emotionally so I admit I might not be having strong feelings at the moment. But I suspect there will be 'karmic' repercussions that must be felt.

And unlike Michael, my father's death is more in keeping with natural expectations. He lead a life full of invention and inspiration and that life in him had begun to wane. For this reason I feel his soul may actually be in a good - or perhaps even a better place - with more flexibility and possibilities for growth. I am assuming our souls are continually learning.

Just working on the timing of this thing in regards to my own healing. I had just gotten back in the saddle, was on the horse and was learning how to trot. And while trotting I could SEE myself cantering and I was joyously anticipating some galloping soon!

Then this - a new hurdle - so I must readjust.

Now I am working on accepting what is and allowing it to unfold as it must. Its gonna do it anyway. I just have to get comfortable, hang on to the reins and go for it. 

Go up and over
     and thus continue forward 
          no matter what
     on this
my new path.

I just love a good metaphor - don't you?

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Change

"The birds are molting. If only man could molt also - his mind once a year its errors, his heart once a year its useless passions." 
~ james allen

This is WCHG radio sweeping you forward to a brighter day! Give a listen. Click on the names below - unless you don't want to feel empowered?

Change lifts and carries me forward with the help of Sam, Otis and Aretha. They each have their own way of singing Sam Cook's "A Change is Gonna Come" - can you believe this future anthem was originally the B side? Seems Sam and the record company were scared to put it out in 1964. 

Fear of change creates interesting circumstances...sound familiar?    

Let's face it, change is a heavy lift. It is made even heavier by the strength of my own Will which is comfortable, if not happy, with the place I am at. So I need a little more help from my friend Jennifer Holliday.

When she sings "I Am Changing"  I am on stage singing right along with her. And there are even people applauding us at the end!

My friends work their soulful magic by nourishing me with their affirming incantations. Their songs strengthen the light shining on all our unlimited possibilities. Listening to their power assists me to powerfully focus on allowing change to manifest in my own life. 

What helps you make change easier?

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The Hard Work of Feeling

"...establish that role to be a listener to the mystery…" 

~ ram dass

I have been caught again by my own tear ducts. They have felt the need to do what they do and I have to decide if I want to let them do it. 

Not fully appreciating that in letting them have their way I would be better off - I silently and completely undermine them. I watch TV to become numb. I stay awake way into the early morning hours to strain my body making 'feeling anything' nearly impossible. I eat way past the time of fullness. This physical discomfort distracts me too from feeling "other" things.

"That is strange" I hear myself saying, "how am I still generating such mythic stores of pain?" I am so surprised - with all my new found depth and awareness - that I am still playing this game of hide and seek. "Why whatever do you mean? No! I am so much better now beacuse so many days have passed since my husband died." 

It just boggles my mind. But my soul knows.

It knows this new found depth of mine is a carving out of sorts. And it is this "carving out" that is painful. 

It knows I am still surprised because I have no earthly idea how truly deep this shit really goes. There is no precedent for it. My limited awareness cannot conceive of this kind of vastness. 

It knows this is the uncomfortable mystery. And in order to transform it I must work hard to establish my role as a listener to it. Yet I still resist. 

I resist because it hurts. I resist because I am human. I resist because I am tired. And I resist because I would be crazy to "want" to have the experience of such a deep wound - yet again.

Carrying around this ticking time bomb of grief is not something you get used to. But my new found awareness tells me to again make it welcome. Actually I am not sure what else you can to do with it...other than create space in your day to just feel it. 

Just feel it.  Hey - I'm a Nike commercial for mental health! 

Just feel it. 

Eventually I do just feel it. And it hurts - just like it did before. And it goes away - just like it did before. And I forget about it for a while - just like I did before. Then it comes back - just like it did before. 

Just feel it. 

This is the hardest work I have ever done.

What hard work are you avoiding?

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Don't Be Alarmed II

A poem written at a time of strong feeling is a good thing…for me. It expresses itself so I can get on with the day. 

Gathering Light

In my mind I took a walk
To my heart

Then let go

And stayed there a while

I slipped gathering light

And fell in love

This to shall pass
Don't be alarmed

All of it is fleeting.

To live passionately 

Is to die peacefully

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Don't Be Alarmed

Don't be alarmed. A poem written at a time of strong feeling is a good thing...for me. It expresses itself so I can get on with the day. This to shall pass.

Desolation

Parched, cracked and dry.

Formidable aching crunches me into tiny pieces like sand.

Alone, without, encumbered, unfrequented and grief stricken.

Near the rim of Death deserted flowers survive.

Quarterly it rains and hope saves seeds for safe keeping.

But no blossoms bloom here.

Desolation and dust insubstantially drifting

denying life.

Coming to my rescue 

the rain of my tears.

Healing slowly,

slowly, slowly, S-L-O-W-L-Y.

How do you move from Darkness to the Light?

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Happiness is a Choice

"Happiness can be cultivated" says Shawn Achor, author of Before Happiness. He calls it Happiness Hygiene and says it is as essential to living as brushing our teeth and eating right. Here are 5 Two Minute Happiness Drills which Achor's research has proven to actually have the power to make us happier people. His work challenges us to do one or more of these drills for 21 days in order to experience the real difference for ourselves.

Shawn says these practical changes in our behavior are happiness building blocks. These practices allow us to see more meaning in our lives thus increasing our happiness. Which in turn creates an experience of deeper and more enduring joy... for ourselves and others. That's right, Shawn says as we care for our own Happiness Hygiene there exists the real possibility it will spread to those around us.

So here are the 5 Two Minute Happiness Drills that may change the world! Or just make you smile more often. Either way - this is "good stuff making!"

1. SAY ALOUD three NEW gratitudes when you awake each morning.

2. MOVE your body in fun mindful cardio activity - OK this one wants about 10 - 15 minutes!

3. SIT in stillness or meditate - quietly watching your breath for 2 minutes does count!

4. SEND A THANK YOU note, email, or call to someone you know.

5. WRITE a detailed recollection of a happy moment from last 24 hours for just 2 minutes.

If you are like me --- looking at implementing yet another regular routine can feel daunting.  Well suck this one up & GET HAPPY DAMN IT! It is only two minutes... and we need you on our team! 

Too rough?

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Manifesting: the process revealed

"We need not always be effective, but only transparent and vulnerable. Then we are instruments, no matter what we do." ~ richard rohr

I have been gandering at this transition from grieving to gratitud-ing I am making. This is what I have come up with so far.

With no anecdote here that will ground this esoteric discussion, I hope you will stick with me as I dissect why things are seeming to be going my way more and more these days - even when "bad" things happen.

Even though I am unaware of where I am going, what purpose I serve or how I will make my way in this world, I am becoming aware of the process by which my best life can be unfolded.

Acceptance of "what is", i. e. scraping illusion for the subtler substance of things is becoming my go to response in any situation. From here I find myself Requesting what I would like to happen within the circumstance at hand. Then things seem to pan out in my favor --usually in a way I could not have foreseen.

Turns out doing things in this order suits both me and the universe. As I am accepting of what is, my request for change comes from a meatier less grasping place. It rolls with the current rather than crashes into it! This way I am in the flow, flowing forward toward my Destiny...which is still TBD.

And through it all I am finding being transparent and vulnerable allows things to move through me - for my own benefit - and for the benefit of others I hope. I am no longer getting stuck in emotional angst of wishing this "had never happened" or that "is not how it is supposed to be." 

The more I do it the easier it is to be transparent and vulnerable. I recognize these are the vehicles that give juice to things; they allow connections to be made and soulful growth to occur. Plus I am sure whatever I am going through is not singular in nature. I am, as you are, human.

That's where the 'instrument' part of Richard Rohr's quote comes in. I can not think of anything more satisfying than being myself, doing what I love and having those two things serve others.

That is as far as my plan goes these days. Got no details. Got no "to do" list. Got no worries that if I follow this process more will be revealed elegantly and with ease. 

So here are the steps again cuz people like numbering things...

1) Complete acceptance of what is

2) Request anything you like from a place of acceptance

3) Watch as your life favorably unfolds.

Manifesting in this way is very new to me so I am open to any tweaking of the above process! But so far so good...

How do you make manifest the things you desire?

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Rinse and Repeat

"The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift…" 

~ Albert Einstein

Knowing this I ask again --- what does it feel like to receive unconditional love? 

Now without labeling, without using words or employing images - or memory even - can you summon up the feeling? Can you use your subtler senses to bask in It's immensity? 

Mmm mmm good! 

Now - as most shampoo bottles instruct - rinse and repeat. Rinse off the conditions in which you find yourself and stretch yourself to repeat feeling this feeling once daily.

It would be monumental if we could daily attend to our emotional and intuitive hygiene in this way. Taking a moment each day of our lives to rinse and repeat might allow our day (and thus our lives) to unfold more favorably. 

This is the manner in which I am living today. I am stretching myself beyond what is, letting go of business as usual and allowing what serves best to unfold before me. It is scary. It is uncomfortable. I have much less control, but I know that by attending to my emotional hygiene there is a much richer chance I might evolve toward a greater vision for my life than I can currently conceive.

Got any questions? Me too - loads. But gonna set them aside to feel my way forward today?

Could you let go - even just a little today - to make room for new possibilities?

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McGee, Keats & Chödrön on Transformation

"What hurts us can cripple us, but it can also shape us into something more powerful. But this requires presence. It requires having a different perspective about what it means to hurt and what it means to experience emotional trauma. One way to change our perspective is to look at our wounds as sacred things. Our sacred wounds can be a great source of personal development. 

Like John Keats wrote --- 

'Do you not see how necessary a world of pains and troubles is to school an intelligence and make it a soul?' ---

Indeed, allowing our wounds to become sacred is allowing Ego to become Soul. If we really allow ourselves to live greatly, we must open ourselves up to being present to our sacred wounds. The ability to have an authentic engagement with life takes the courage to face prior heartache and pain, and the ability to cultivate it and refine it. Either way, the pain and heartache will be there. The question is whether or not we have the courage to transform it into something that can refine our soul. 

Pema Chödrön said it best ---

'We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.' -- 

Letting there be room is allowing for a space, a sacred space, where we can be fully present with our pain." ~ Gary Z McGee

In Blue | April 13, 2014 at 6:08 am | URL: http://wp.me/p1Wc4z-2jp

Heartbreak

"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option." ~Mark Twain

It is real - the root of the thing. 

But is made distant by

the everything else.

I am creative and powerful

Yet I cannot shun the weight of it

It is cornered - me and it together

Win some, lose some

Be careful what you wish for

It cannot be you 

It can never be you

It can only be the Truth

Not enough chocolate in the world...

What is Reasonable?

"Unknowing, if one can be open and vulnerable, will take us down to the very deeps of knowing, not informing the mind but coursing through the whole body, artery and vein–provided one can thrust aside what the world calls common sense, that popular lumpen wisdom that prevents the emerging of the numinous." ~ Pamela Travers

I am living in spite of myself. I am doing things I would never do, yet I do them, in spite of all I have come to know about who I am. Is this reasonable? 

Often lately I find myself appreciating, then allowing, then being with an unfolding me - in spite of the me I have always known myself to be. Is that reasonable?

Am I not sure of who I am and what I prefer? How can I operate in the uncertainty of what is or is not to come? There seems to be no grounding here, no relative center in this way of being. It feels quite like the floor of a fun house - shaky, slippery, and curved. Oh... I am getting nauseated just thinking about it! 

It is here at the dark edge of the mystery I find myself. And all I can do is live it - trusting if I follow the light it will take me out to the other side; trusting that Love will not only be waiting for me there - but that Love will have been moving along with me, in me and all around me all the time.

Knowing this is what gives me the sound footing I require. Knowing this informs my emerging self that it is OK to feel awestruck, terrified and touched by grace all at the same time.

Is this sound? Is this reasonable?

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