"When I Grew Out of…"

"When you feel peaceful joy, that is when you are near truth" ~rumi

I smiled when a friend used this phrase in an email recently,"When I grew out of…" It reminded me that, even after the age of 50, we do grow out of things. It let me know that whatever I am going through right now is important and okay and I will grow out of it. And from it I WILL GROW.

Let's do Spring this year ... consciously! Let's reflect on those things we have grown out of and those things we WILL grow out of! 

I have grown out of the sensibility of relying on others to do things for me. I am doing things for myself now! 

I have grown out of accepting denigrating thoughts about myself AS TRUE for I know they do not serve me in any way!

And I have grown out of judging. There is no possible way I could know the totality of me, much less the totality of you, so passing judgement seems absurd!

And I am currently growing out my old life. I can feel it receding fast like the sudden drawing back of sea water revealing 400 feet of shore line before a tidal wave slams into the coast. Sounds scary and violent and dramatic, I know, but it feels right and good and organic too. 

Birth is like that. 

So let's do Spring consciously this year! Let's reflect on those things we have grown out of and those things we WILL grow out of! And those things we are becoming!

I write these words out of Love and Compassion. This is what I have grown into. These are the things I am becoming! This is my place. I will allow the rest to unfold.

What compassionate words do you have for yourself?

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APRIL'S FOOL - and Every Other Month for that Matter!

“The words you speak become the house you live in.” ~Hafiz

It happened again.

I felt really small again and all my accomplishments-to-date were negated by my judgemental mind. I cannot tell you how it started. All I know is one minute I was having a great day then I felt it melt away. It wasn't a crash and burn situation. It felt more like a slow insidious termite infestation that you don't know about until your foot breaks threw the kitchen floor.

As my firm foundation crumbled my confidence morphed into doubt and 2nd guessing. THINKING these things stopped my forward motion. It was then that my THOUGHTS lasso'd my EMOTIONS. And my emotions then took over and hog-tied me but good!

Eventually I recognized it. Then I fought it

Then, after shedding some tears, I placed all this energy fully and gently in the light of my own LOVE and COMPASSION.

…and then I was large and limitless once again!


What is your bounce back strategy?

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Becoming Wide and Open

"Your beliefs become your thoughts 

Your thoughts become your words
Your words become your actions
Your actions become your habits
Your habits become your character
Your character becomes your destiny"

~mohandas ghandi

There is an energy that is spoiling my peace. It crackles and shifts the silence within me. And deep down and all through everything I know - I know this energy is good.

Even though I feel nauseated by its unusual character and unfamiliar tones. Even though I know nothing about what is to come. Even though I feel afraid...I am willing to endure the uncertainty of cascading next events because deep down and all through everything I know - I know this energy is good.

I am opening to the changes of Spring.

I am open to the casting off of my cocoon. 

I am open to the emerging of my new me. 

I am open to the merging of the flows - the flow of my soul's river with the flow of the rhythms of the world. 

I am open to the merging of the flows because I know deep down and all through everything I feel - this merging is good.  

I am wide open.

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Happy Valentine's Day!

I do not fit snuggly into a world built on principles of clock time and corporeal senses alone. I may appear eccentric if I write about things like "equanimity" and "straddling eternity." But it is in the effemera I feel most hardy. My strength seems to build upon itself in the light of my spirit.

What do I do with this new found thing - this core within - which consists only of sweet air, energy and feeling? This thing that has no structure or mass, no handles to grasp, no parts to which I can point? How do I manage to live a life based from an open heart?

I am coming to know when my heart throbs and feels weighty I am tapped into this thing. This actual heaviness in my chest is confirmation for me. It lets me know "this is important." It seems my body can tell me when I am here connecting to whatever this is - my Truth.

I am building strength toward being more awake and available. I look forward to the day this is, if not an automatic response, at least a familiar one. In this way, perhaps I can then manage to live more often from this place - a place Steve Winwood calls "a higher love." In this way, I figure, then every day will be Valentine's Day. 

Wishing you a Happy Valentine's Day! 

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Fallen

Fallen

I am wounded 

I am weak 

I am not alone.

Scooped up

Made warm and welcome

Earth dug deep with candles lit

Your love nourishes me.

Gracious nestling

In your family's home, 

your heart, your lives, your land.

Just now this way 

I am safe 

I can crow 

I am made stronger 

in your light.

Fly away fly away 

I am going to fly away

Destined to glide high

To soar and to make my own nest.

On the bits of love 

you placed in me.

You give my wings their wind.

~ Dedicated to all the Chapmans who keep me, nourish me and give me wings.

Who does this for you?

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Hurdles - Present and Past

I have a thirsty fish in me
that can never find enough 
of what it's thirsty for!
~ Rumi

This was my father. 

He passed away 5 days ago. He was 75 and I loved him very much and I know he loved me.

And even though I have 2 years experience in the grief department and because I have this much experience in the grief department I am aware this means almost nothing. 

Grieving is a slippery character that creeps up unexpectedly and in a surprisingly different number of ways! So part of me is OK, part of me is on guard and cautious, part of me is angry at the timing and part of me hurts. And in this order... I think.

Unlike with my husband Michael's death, with whom I had a much more intimate relationship, my father's passing feels OK-er. We lived hundreds of miles apart for the majority of my life and I have not depended on him for anything since I was a teen. There was this distance both geographically and emotionally so I admit I might not be having strong feelings at the moment. But I suspect there will be 'karmic' repercussions that must be felt.

And unlike Michael, my father's death is more in keeping with natural expectations. He lead a life full of invention and inspiration and that life in him had begun to wane. For this reason I feel his soul may actually be in a good - or perhaps even a better place - with more flexibility and possibilities for growth. I am assuming our souls are continually learning.

Just working on the timing of this thing in regards to my own healing. I had just gotten back in the saddle, was on the horse and was learning how to trot. And while trotting I could SEE myself cantering and I was joyously anticipating some galloping soon!

Then this - a new hurdle - so I must readjust.

Now I am working on accepting what is and allowing it to unfold as it must. Its gonna do it anyway. I just have to get comfortable, hang on to the reins and go for it. 

Go up and over
     and thus continue forward 
          no matter what
     on this
my new path.

I just love a good metaphor - don't you?

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Paying Attention

A Centipede was happy quite 

until a frog in jest said,

"Pray which leg comes after which?"

This raised his doubts to such a pitch,

He lay bewildered in a ditch

Considering how to run.

~ Author Unknown

Taking yet another e-course with Thomas Moore, author of "Care of the Soul", we are studying The Holy Fool: Finding Spiritual Liberation in Foolishness and Humor. This is right up my alley some would say. Today's discussion is on 'The Fool as Inner Guide.'

Within this lesson is the idea of being NOBODY. Sounds strange and perhaps awful to some. The problem with adversity is that it is very hard to appreciate it in the moment. 

Being nobody can be very liberating. It can allow us to be unencumbered by societies' (and our own) expectations. Being nobody breaks open the cask of possibilities and, while frightening, is also very exciting.

Emily Dickenson's poem, "I am nobody" holds in high esteem this idea and suggests that 'if I am nobody than perhaps so are you.'

"I'm Nobody! Who are you?

Are you - Nobody - too?

Then there's a pair of us!

Don't tell! they'd advertise - you know!

How dreary - to be - Somebody!

How public - like a Frog - 

To tell one's name - the livelong June - 

To an admiring Bog!"

But I have always found it very important to recognize everyone I meet as important and somebody. Those who wear the costume of stranger - wait staff, clerks, and fellow classmates - are not NOBODY, but some bodies vibrating next to me. They are to be heard and valued. Sometimes, if I am not paying attention to my life I do not recognize their value in the moment. But when I take time to reflect on the day and on all the interactions I have had - this idea is reinforced 100%.

How can both these ideas - being nobody and being somebody - exist simultaneously? Being here - in this  paradoxical space - is a vast and benevolent experience. 

Don't think about it too long lest you end up capsized in a ditch unable to run. Just vibrate yourself on toward your next task at hand and remember with Love you are nobody and so am I!

Are you paying attention to your life?

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Receiving Love

Oh I can give Love all day long. 

It is automatic and very fulfilling. Every morning I enjoy making sure the needs of my dog are graciously and completely met. 

I feel real happiness making sure my sister has all she needs to be relaxed and feel like a winner. And when I am able to be a provider to my guests so they want for nothing - this is one hell of a yummy time for me. 

I even make sure strangers are not impinged upon as I pick up the shit of my healthy well trained dog! This impulse of mine is done, of course, with a little less enthusiasm, but is no less natural or inate to my being.

But when do I make sure I am ready to fully and completely receive Love? How do I open myself up to accept the abundant possibilities of Love coming to me at every moment from everywhere, everything and everyone?

Can I sopp up Love as automatically as I dish it out? Will I gracefully allow Love into my life without stopping it at the border to check it's credentials. Can I stop batting Love away because I used to be someone else's girl?

When will recieving Love become instinctive, involuntary and impulsive again?

How about from this day forward?

From this day forward I vow to practice letting Love in. From now on I am a receiver of Love from everywhere, everything and everyone. So when I see Love coming I will not duck and I will not hide. I will stay put and let Love spill on to my life. I am porous and soak Love up as naturally as a sponge.

Ah...now doesn't that feel better?

Do you ever stop Love in it's tracks?

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A Call to the Universe

So I am having fun and they all say, "Just follow your passions and life will find you!" But I still have that longing, that requirement to be intimately engaged with one other person. To be joyfully entwined with them and all their interesting foibles and have them lovingly entwined with me and all my curious faults.

Why do I want to be peas to some one's carrots? 

Because I know there is soooooo much joy and laughter in this kind of sharing and caring for another. Yes, there will be challenges too, but for the personality that I am, there is nothing in this life that beats this kind of experience. And I want more of it. I want lightning to strike twice. I want a correction made in my path that allows this intimate experience to come directly to me. Do not pass go. Do no collect 200 dollars.

I also know this is how we grow. I know perceived foibles of the other leads us toward discovering our own truths. Yes - although our perceived faults may at times be spot on, they are more often than not guideposts toward something needing recognition within ourselves.

And I know that even when the object of this relationship departs, the Love shared remains forever. This I know for sure.

So it is this kind of circumstance I long for... dare I say it... a love relationship. There are just so many opportunities for such a variety of adventures on a daily basis! Doesn't this excite you?  Well, perhaps it doesn't you, but for me it is pure heaven.

The puzzle of loving someone has an unlimited number of pieces. And I am ready to spread them out on the table and slowly and carefully discover life's biggest picture together. Ah yes, please bring my spiritual partner to me so we can pick up the pieces together.

Of course, the alternative to this kind of experience is to just continue to follow my own passions & have loads of fun. Now these are two very good choices I can get behind! No rocks. No hard places. Just life naturally unfolding with ease, along with Spring, allowing both the sun and the rain to grow me up! 

Have you a longing that needs a more refined definition?

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Clarity 2.0

Clarity is a fleeting pain in the ass. The prevailing winds change, clarity gently brushes against your cheek, then drifts on. So you better be ready for it or it may just pass you by like it never happened. 

What do I believe? Getting clear here will help me move to the next level in my life, I am thinking. As long as I can remember I have always understood that I am you and you are me - that we are the same. Never studied a religion to learn this - it is part of me. I am skeptical about all beliefs in established systems, i.e., Religion. But I do value ownership of a personally derived belief system.

The big movement for me has been coming to a complete understanding that Love rules the universe. From this I understand that as life's circumstances arise the only question I need ask is, "Does this serve me?" I am the liver of a life that serves this Life for the good and this life in turn serves me for the good. Life is a big Love snowball that way. And it all starts within me. 

So now seems a good time to define things for myself. So here are a few 'new rules' for my new life. Please note: I have never been good at following rules, so setting rules down in writing does not necessarily mean they will be followed. There is always a catch - isn't there?

1. Filter all things through your heart as it knows best.

2. Recognize Wonder as sacred as this is life affirming.

3. No more Toiling (not life affirming.) 

4. All emotions are good messengers, especially the uncomfortable ones. 

5. Carry your Mirth with you at all times, it is your Awareness Emergency kit 

6. Always seek Truth over Illusion as freedom reigns there.

I am sure if I made a thorough study of world religions or philosophers throughout history these rules, or something like them, would show up everywhere. But these organically made personalized collection of tenets suit me perfectly - in the same way the sound of a laugh matches to a person. Your laugh is part of you. No other set of modulated tones will ever do.  (BTW if you have never paid attention to the sound of your laugh, try it... pure ecstasy.)

Found within my heart, these tenets are the wind that fill my sails and give me direction. The boat, of course, is me. My body and personality are the physical mechanism by which I manifest. In this way I see my journey taking place and my heart's desire coming true.

As for the direction and strength of the wind, i.e., the plan - that I have no part in. I surrender that to a higher vision fore I know my vision is far too limited. So instead I give up judgments and expectations. And I relinquish the need to know what tomorrow looks like. This affords all manner of gracious possibilities to form organically. 

My job is to have an intention and to pay attention!

What are your beliefs?

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Tell Me Everything will be OK

A deer chose my house this week. He found a soft pile of leaves on the protected side of the yard, a refuge in the tightly bound space between two fences and my house. There was a complete break. I saw the bone to his back left hoof jutting out from his leg. The pain must have been immense. The struggle must have been bloody and hard. The instinct must have been great to seek shelter and repose. A deer chose my house to lay down by and die. 

I hope my house was his sanctuary. I hope the deer found some peace from his pain in this harborage protected by love and law. My house is a sanctuary for me. I too have lain down curled up by pain to just be. I have lain down and bled tears until I, or the pain, subsided. Yes this is how the deer must have felt as he chose my house to lay down by, but not die.

Tell me there is purpose to enduring this rough and raw spillage sifting through us. Right thinking and meditation and reading and listening to music and painting and crying and writing these and many other words are powerful tools for healing. But nothing replaces another soul vibrating beside you, holding your head and stroking your face.  

I am so sorry I was not there to tell the deer...

   "Everything will be OK."

    "All is well."

    "The first cut is the deepest."

    "Come away with me and I will ease your pain."

    "Your way of being is in tune with all things."

    "I love you."

Tell me everything will be OK...



Can we really ease the pain of another? 

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Like never before

Even though I am just a confused as ever, I am ready now to find right work. And I choose a project with soul in mind…one that directly conjures higher expansion.

I came across a term recently that grabbed my attention -  "The bardos." Bardo is a Tibetan word which literally means "in-between." and connotes the wisdom of uncertainty. It includes the transitional states of birth, death, dream, reincarnation or afterlife, meditation, and spiritual lightness of being. The term bardo can also be used metaphorically to describe times when our usual way of life becomes suspended. In the bardo I recognize myself.

What comes after the bardo?

Finding right work. 

Our work is a reflection of self, a means of loving ourselves and others, our place in the world. My work will both satisfy the very root of my being and be a tribute somehow to Michael and our life together. Whatever my intention for my life, I want my work to be both simple... and grand. 

But my vision is constrained. It is bound by context, experience and belief. Am I setting a trap for myself by aiming beyond what I can currently know? Or have I been living in a trap - in only that which appears to be attainable? 

What you see is what you get. I can see what is directly in front of me. I can see what I can conjure in my imagination. But from my transitional space as I aspire to higher expression, how can I CAUSE expansion of what I believe possible? 

My Opus awaits, my Love awaits, my next chapter awaits. I declare the cat out of the bag, the chips fallen, the dust settled, the chickens well roosted at home, the carpetbaggers welcome and fed, the clowns out of the car and my sweet lover kissed goodnight. 

What Truth do you declare for yourself?

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In the stillness I remain...for now

In the stillness I remain until my song is ready to be sung. That is what 'Course in Miracles lady' said when I inquired about the nature of Grief. She spoke freely about the nature of Anger during her brief workshop. But she said not a word about Grief until I approached her afterward. She said, "Like Anger, Grief is natural. First we must feel the Grief, then there is Stillness, then your Song emerges." Quite pithy - huh? 

Well it has been some time now. Past are the blankets of Grief that covered me head-to-toe for weeks at a time. Now. like Coca Cola and Pepsi, I am feeling sorrow and melancholy in a variety of flavors and strengths. Whenever Grief shows up today, like Mark Nepo writes, "I become water. I let everything rinse its grief in me and reflect back as much light as I can." So it appears that Stillness is the more dominate state here and now.


You wouldn't think so, but being Still is damn challenging too. There exists this friction between wanting so much to move forward and seeming to be not moving at all. This Stillness is not because I am under resourced, under supported, beholden to anyone, or tied to any particular place. Nope - got plenty of Freedom. What I require is DIRECTION. 

I am neutral. I am Switzerland. I am Bud Lite, hospital food, Muzak, a politician running unopposed for office - I got no enthusiasm! I catch glimpses of it when I meet a fine man or create a fine meal or painting but these are not the stuffs I wish to build my new life upon.

Until my next chapter's motivation is revealed I am industrious. I do the busy work of Stillness. Like a toddler's day in preschool the work is important and foundational and elemental. 

In the morning we have painting, then we study metaphysics. Then lunch and playtime. Playtime is essential! Recess ends with a story and nap time, after which there is a snack. Then we explore another activity. All activities, if not educational, are at least FUN. 

I am not the best scheduler, which has me upset some times. And occasionally I pass judgement on myself or the days curriculum or lack there of. "If I could just get on with it!, I say to myself. But this is futile. If I could I would, just got no road map right now. 

But when I choose to take a loving and kind view of myself I find little hints here and there whispering to me about intuition being crucial in the next iteration of Lani 3.0. And great stores of power and love within me. And vast creative juices which cannot help but flow thru me. And perhaps I can help others in some way too? 

I know my direction will reveal itself when the time is best. But how long must we wait! Fa-La-Fuckin-La! Where is my damn song?


What causes you to throw a tantrum?

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