Better Happens

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." ~ralph waldo emerson

Ever wonder how to tweak your life to make it even better than it already is? No need to struggle - just allow "better" to happen.

There are those bumper stickers that say 'SHIT HAPPENS'? What that is all about, for me, is a twisted way of going with the flow and allowing the world to leave it's tire tracks all over your back. My bumper sticker or T-shirt reads 'BETTER HAPPENS'!

Both these silly statements are confirmations that without much effort the flow of things, how your life unfolds in this present moment, is inevitable. Both are true. What I find most interesting is...which one we find easiest to believe!

Don't we have a choice in the matter?

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Deep Inside the Darkness is Light

"As long as you do not know what you are experiencing inside, you are asleep in your life, even though you may think you are very awake." ~gary zukav 

Protection has got me thinking and feeling small. Rejection is fresh and overt as I begin to date again. It is harder than I thought it would be after losing my husband to illness almost 3 years ago.

I have done the work. I have opened myself up and have reaped many rewards - brand new friendships, awesome new experiences and a boat load of new emotions & feelings. But it seems there is still more work to do. Alas as I drill down even more deeply I am finding more growing... and more pain. 

There is this idea lurking deep down inside me that no one will ever love me again the way my husband loved me. The way we loved each other. And perhaps, I have to admit, I will never love again the way I loved him.

Does this mean all my efforts so far are useless? Or am I just arrived at yet another level for potential healing? 

My experience tells me I must allow these deep feelings a voice. I acknowledged these feelings as I watched them express themselves sideways as my own self-judgement and tears. 

Reflecting on these ideas, "my truths," makes way for new beliefs to take hold. I acknowledge "these truths" may not be so true so I can cleanse myself of limiting beliefs.

And most importantly, I acknowledge these "truths" so I may move forward with love and compassion for my predicament and towards new better ways that serve my deepest desire for amazement, freedom and joy this year!

Jack Kornfield says, "Wise spiritual practice requires that we actively address the pain and conflict of our life." 

Like a spring bulb I must want to grow to break through the mud and earth toward my newly blossoming self! Just did not figure it would hurt so much...again.

What light is hidden from you by the dark?

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How Do I Achieve Inner Peace?

When I read these words to myself, sometimes on a daily basis, I become stronger in my belief that Change and Peace are on the same continuum and they always start (and end) inside of me.

"My whole being works best when I am able to achieve EQUANIMITY in life. I thrive when things are NOT tipped too much in one direction for too long. And when I realize EQUANIMITY for myself I experience a deep inner peace.

The entirety of everything is made up from one thing. That one thing is Divine. I call this divine thing Source because it exists eternally in, around, under, and through all “other” things.

I am just such an “other” thing. I am not Source as Source is the beginning of everything, but Source is ALL of me. This means that all the wholeness and perfection that Source is – I am. From this recognition I take confidence that I have the same power to manifest, just as Source does.

I accept that all of life is change and within all circumstances change is constant. From within this reality I create a subtle and gentle swing for myself in which I happily glide from here to there… and back again. From this place where I sit as things appear to shift  - my experience is always that ALL IS WELL.  I am Equanimity. I am Balance. I am Peace.

For this realization I give thanks. For this knowing I am humbly grateful.

Having written and read these words I let them go now.  I release these words into Source knowing the thing is already done and I am already Peaceful.  I release these words as I say, And so it is.”

Will you come and sit on my swing with me?

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I'm a Pepper. You're a Pepper...

organism

[awr-guh-niz-uh m]  noun   1. a form of life composed of mutually interdependent parts that maintain various vital processes.

To be an organism in my own life; to confidently behave in my own best interest without doubt, fear or judgement; this is my NIRVANA. 

This is not a selfish aim for in being such a thing I eclipse that part of myself that gets in my own way. You know what I am talking about...that voice that, at best - hinders or delays joy and at worst - scolds, malforms or denigrates a soul's truest nature.

An organism has no such voice. It has no inner child or half-baked notions which need overcoming. It just simply moves with ease as it is meant to for the good of itself and the body in which it lives. Ahhhh...this sounds so peaceful.

Now some may think my aspiring to be an organism might leave me small, faceless and without a personality. But my read is just the opposite. If I were fortunate enough to be an organism I would be a one-of-a-kind singular and perfect expression of myself. I would know innately my place in the world. And this "knowing" would gracefully carry me forward in the direction of my own ever unfolding destiny...joyfully and triumphantly. That doesn't seem small at all, now does it?  

If ALL THIS were actually the way of things, wouldn't you like to be an organism too? 

How do you describe your NIRVANA?

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What Is is OK

Work in Progress

Glimpses of letting go

Glimpses of holding on

And the living in between

Galloping forward 

I am a work in progress 

Rocking back and forth this way

Steadiness seems out of the question right now

But as sure as the letting go and the holding on and the in between happen over and over again

I will survive

I will thrive

I am alive

Hum 

Paying Attention

A Centipede was happy quite 

until a frog in jest said,

"Pray which leg comes after which?"

This raised his doubts to such a pitch,

He lay bewildered in a ditch

Considering how to run.

~ Author Unknown

Taking yet another e-course with Thomas Moore, author of "Care of the Soul", we are studying The Holy Fool: Finding Spiritual Liberation in Foolishness and Humor. This is right up my alley some would say. Today's discussion is on 'The Fool as Inner Guide.'

Within this lesson is the idea of being NOBODY. Sounds strange and perhaps awful to some. The problem with adversity is that it is very hard to appreciate it in the moment. 

Being nobody can be very liberating. It can allow us to be unencumbered by societies' (and our own) expectations. Being nobody breaks open the cask of possibilities and, while frightening, is also very exciting.

Emily Dickenson's poem, "I am nobody" holds in high esteem this idea and suggests that 'if I am nobody than perhaps so are you.'

"I'm Nobody! Who are you?

Are you - Nobody - too?

Then there's a pair of us!

Don't tell! they'd advertise - you know!

How dreary - to be - Somebody!

How public - like a Frog - 

To tell one's name - the livelong June - 

To an admiring Bog!"

But I have always found it very important to recognize everyone I meet as important and somebody. Those who wear the costume of stranger - wait staff, clerks, and fellow classmates - are not NOBODY, but some bodies vibrating next to me. They are to be heard and valued. Sometimes, if I am not paying attention to my life I do not recognize their value in the moment. But when I take time to reflect on the day and on all the interactions I have had - this idea is reinforced 100%.

How can both these ideas - being nobody and being somebody - exist simultaneously? Being here - in this  paradoxical space - is a vast and benevolent experience. 

Don't think about it too long lest you end up capsized in a ditch unable to run. Just vibrate yourself on toward your next task at hand and remember with Love you are nobody and so am I!

Are you paying attention to your life?

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So Many Passions

What does Passion mean to you? 

For the first half of my life I thought Passion was that feeling derived from sex and love. BTW this is also the time I thought sex & love were the same thing. 

Passion was that fleeting thing that waxed and waned according to life's circumstance. It conjured up images of operatic gestures and storylines about extreme choices made in sudden fits of itself.

But in more recent days I am coming to know a different kind of Passion. A more soulful call from deep within that is not sudden or fitful but gradual and steady. It calls to me when I seek it. It patiently waits on me to pick up it's trail. It is not dependent on conditions. It existed then, exists now and will always exist. This kind of uninterrupted Passion shows me the way.

Are these two branches from the same tree? Are they siblings, cousins or ancient ancestors? No I don't think so, their effects are both a call to action, but their way of doing things are so completely different.

Perhaps they overlap eachother like my younger and now older selves. Or perhaps they are companions which simultaneously inform each other like surf and shore? 

I can see conditional Passion's irregular waves roaring and breaking toward land creating an ever changing line on top of the shore. It alternates between exposing and covering up that other species of Passion, the unfluctuating one. Whether seen or unseen, unconditional Passion is like all shores everywhere - unceasingly directional, timeless and forever joining land to sea.

I love this place were the land and sea meet. I am fixed by it's constantly changing and changeless nature. It is here at the shore's edge we are able to see all the possibilities of becoming our truest selves. It is here where choice and moment meet and I become awake. 

I am grateful to be able to recognize this enduring flow of things and to periodically live in my own becoming.

How do you experience Passion?

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The Joy of Obstinance

No! I don't want to! No! I will not! These are the things I say to myself when I am feeling completely obstinate. It is a feeling of standing still and strongly opposing that which is said to be important or otherwise necessary. Well I do not care what they say, I am not going to go along. I am going to make a grimace with my lips while I grit my teeth and furrow my brow! I am clinching my fists and being a big fat baby and saying, "No way, not me, not now, no how!"

Is this something bad? Let's take another look. How often are we standing strongly? How many times are we so sure - down to our marrow - about something? Isn't this kind of attitude a clue telling us something about ourselves and the way we see our world? 

What if we maintain the same kind of strong stance but unclinch our fists?

What if we stop judging it from the outside and begin to look inside and underneath the experience? 

I find by doing this then somehow the thing and I are transformed. It is becoming more true that the thing I ENJOY not doing becomes my JOY in doing of the other. In accepting my stubborn stance I see the opposing side has become my friend. It shows me the way. And then - the strangest thing of all happens - the opposing thing just dissolves - POOF - and I am left in peace.

Turning things "outside in" like this is a new habit I am forming. Leaving off JUDGMENT for OBSERVING is the  essence of this new practice. Yes, I still go thru the usual angst of being human and not liking a place or a situation. But taking a moment to become a witness and really look at a thing is "good stuff making."

Have you ever turned things around? I would be curious to hear about it.

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The Bigger Picture May Be Hard to Swallow

"It’s like Mahatma Gandhi gets put in jail and they give him a lice-infested uniform and tell him to clean the latrines, and it’s a whole mess. And he walks up to the head of the guards and he says, in total truth, “Thank you.” He’s not putting them on or up-leveling them. He’s saying, “There’s a teaching here, and I’m getting it; thank you.” ~ ram dass

I have come to know that in most cases the experience I am having at any given moment is just one piece of it All. And I also know I will never fully understand the entire nature of how and why different things manifest into and out of my life. Knowing this is the cornerstone of Unconditional Trust. I hope you won't find this hard to swallow.

What is the relationship between Unconditional Trust and Gratitude?

To become aware that all is well no matter your present circumstance is to experience Unconditional Trust. Actively living Unconditional Trust frees up thoughts and feelings from fear and lack and doubt and let's them soar toward compassion, wonder and new possibilities.

Having experienced loss on a grand scale (the death of my husband) and now more recently in several much smaller ways - a broken necklace, a busted computer, and the real loss of a job - I see there has been a shift. In the past my response to the sudden upsetting of my apple cart was sadness, anger or fear of future or failure. Within this new paradigm my response is that of the witness. I am more reflective. 

I catch myself before things get too far gone. I stop and question the truth of the thing. I look for real places where I can be grateful as life conspires to grow me up. And the best thing is the more I shepard myself toward this new knowing the more automatic it becomes. 

One by one I consciously wash away these reflexive emotionally charged situations and replace them with gratitude. Some may see this as giving up or giving in.  I am not giving up, I am getting on with it! This is an acceptance of what is and an active form of compassion for myself and all others. 

Conditions I see in front of me are only one piece of it. I experience Peace knowing this. So what is the relationship between Unconditional Trust and Gratitude? 

I think they are the same thing...

What do you think?

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I Love You Universe!

I am having a real tough realization today. It is rather embarrassing and I feel really raw but the TRUTH does that to us - doesn't it?!

Found out last nite that 'my crush' has happily found a sweetheart of his own. He has never responded to me in any way other than as a caring and casual friend. But I have always held out hope for more ---- eventually.  

And having been consistently infatuated with the idea of us becoming spiritual partners, I have found a way to stave off the reality that I am truly on my own with no one to care about me like my husband used to. (Our song "What a Wonderful World" is playing on the radio right now so I figure my hubby is with me right now as these lessons wash over me!) With my fantasy busted I feel the loss of a very REAL protective device. OUCH - OUCH! What's a little more pain? I have been in pain since Michael died... more or less.

Plus this news has walloped me right in the TRUTH department! It reveals the difference between "what I say" and "what is really going on" inside the deepest part of myself. Another TRUTH is my crush has always been a "passive" teacher for me. For this I am grateful. I really do love him for that!

And, if I look very closely, there is good news afoot...

~ I am stronger.
I have been aware since the very beginning these feelings I have for my crush are a BIG DISTRACTION. And even though all the signs have always pointed me in this direction, I have clung to this fantasy and refused to let it go. At the same time focusing on this affair rather than on myself, my healing and my journey has allowed me some measure of comfort when I needed it. So I guess the universe figures I am stronger now and can handle the truth.

~ I am whole, perfect and complete.
Having my fantasy withdrawn in this real way exposes that place inside me that says "you are small and unloved and NOT intrinsically worthy." So now that I have unearthed this shadow, I am committed to pulling this weed out of my soul garden so I may heal in a more deeper way. I have actually been asking to reveal that place within that is whole complete and perfect so I can see what it feels like to create from here rather than from a place of hunger and lack. Be careful what you ask for ladies and gentlemen!

~ I am awake.
I have become so aware of my emotions, that I actually felt the difference between a "HURT EGO" and a "SOUL PAIN" Losing my husband is a SOUL PAIN that will always be with me. My crush's natural preference for other than me feels less dense but no less sharp. And I am confident, though it does really hurt now, it will heal quickly. I am so grateful for this knowing and it's valuable lessons. This episode has shown me I am more internally aware than I have ever been before.

~ I am capable of Big Love
Lastly, I am so happy that a man I love is being loved and feeling loved. It has been another goal of mine to love with detachment. This is a great place to leave this event. I sense both of us have been wanting real connections, but have been trying to play it safe and protect ourselves at the same time. So if he can open his heart to let love into his life than this bodes well for all of us!

The oddest, almost comical aspect to all of this is that I had my annual meeting with my accountants this AM to discuss the status of my portfolio. So you see - this time - this day - this moment -  is really about MY SELF WORTH in all ways imaginable!

I love you Michael, I love you Mr. Crush and I love you Universe!

Thanks for listening ~


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Proximity Always Wins!

Our attention naturally goes to what is nearest. I see, smell and touch the matter at hand. My vision is acclimatized by my experiences so I essentially choose what I see.

But the Imperceptibles, those higher vibrational energies like emotion and the eternal qualities of Love, Grace, Joy, Harmony, Illumination, Creativity... you get the picture... are organically back burner sort of items as they are more naturally felt not seen. It is almost a requirement that one deliberately chooses to pay attention to these sorts of things, lest they go unnoticed, unexperienced, or unexpressed.

So by default we see that which is materially in front of us and we have to actively attune ourselves to experience the unseen in life - be awake. 

But if proximity always wins - here is the greatest news of all. All that we see is outside of ourselves and all we feel is within. Don't get much closer than that! And if our hearts are wide open...we see what we must to grow. 

Love, Grace, Joy, Harmony, Illumination, Creativity... and all the other qualities of this nature are the stuff we are made of. It puts me at ease to acknowledge the imperceptibles are actually closer to me than than any person, place or thing. 

Yes, sometimes I am still the Ringmaster. I want control. "Full steam ahead!" I shout as I stubbornly hang on to an old way of seeing things. And that's what I usually get for my efforts --- a full head of steam! 

No, for this new life, which will be like none I have known before, I cannot create a detailed blueprint. I must get rid of the microscope and the binoculars and let my open heart "feel" the way forward.

So close and yet so far away. Kooky, that's how it appears to me. A universal practical joke. The more I inwardly engage, the less seeking I have to do outside myself.  I am Love. I am Joy. I am Harmony. Cannot get more instant than that - Mr. Coffee, Mr. Keurig, Mr. Microwave, Misters iPhone, Drive-Thru and Key Fob!

"The only thing that's capital-T True is that you get to decide how you're going to try to see it. You get to consciously decide what has meaning and what doesn't.... The trick is keeping the truth up-front in daily consciousness." ~ David Foster Wallace 

Does this make any sense?


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Like never before

Even though I am just a confused as ever, I am ready now to find right work. And I choose a project with soul in mind…one that directly conjures higher expansion.

I came across a term recently that grabbed my attention -  "The bardos." Bardo is a Tibetan word which literally means "in-between." and connotes the wisdom of uncertainty. It includes the transitional states of birth, death, dream, reincarnation or afterlife, meditation, and spiritual lightness of being. The term bardo can also be used metaphorically to describe times when our usual way of life becomes suspended. In the bardo I recognize myself.

What comes after the bardo?

Finding right work. 

Our work is a reflection of self, a means of loving ourselves and others, our place in the world. My work will both satisfy the very root of my being and be a tribute somehow to Michael and our life together. Whatever my intention for my life, I want my work to be both simple... and grand. 

But my vision is constrained. It is bound by context, experience and belief. Am I setting a trap for myself by aiming beyond what I can currently know? Or have I been living in a trap - in only that which appears to be attainable? 

What you see is what you get. I can see what is directly in front of me. I can see what I can conjure in my imagination. But from my transitional space as I aspire to higher expression, how can I CAUSE expansion of what I believe possible? 

My Opus awaits, my Love awaits, my next chapter awaits. I declare the cat out of the bag, the chips fallen, the dust settled, the chickens well roosted at home, the carpetbaggers welcome and fed, the clowns out of the car and my sweet lover kissed goodnight. 

What Truth do you declare for yourself?

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