Good Grief

“You know quite well, deep within you, that there is only a single magic, a single power, a single salvation... and that it is called loving. Well, then, love your suffering. Do not resist it, do not flee from it. It is your aversion that hurts, nothing else." ~hermann hesse

Grief has sculpted me over these last 2 1/2 years. It has been my permission slip, my way in and out and through things. Lately though I have been taking note of the many moments I am "clean & sober" feeling good and in life's pocket again, without feelings of grief.

Having become so accustomed to feeling deeply pangs of deep sorrow, this now is strange. Comforting Grief connects me with he who is lost. But more so even, Grief has introduced me to my viscera - my deep feeling self. And I like being connected like that! 

Giving up Grief may actually be like quitting a substance that I have come to know and been most seductively soothed by. I am suddenly aware that letting go may be a challenge.

Stepping out from under this big black umbrella seems to be what is called for right now. I really can't waste another moment. I must become a responsible veteran of these "my griefy wars!" I want to own my own present experiences - taking on the world directly without the veil of Grief, without an excuse...but not without a net! 

No need to be a daredevil. 

Can I stay connected without Grief? Is there a practice 
i can put into action that will slide elegantly into grief's place?

So I am on the hunt to identify that thing that will be my entry point into the deepest parts of myself. I will let you know when I have found it! I think I know what it is already...and if you have been following me for a bit you may know too! 

How do you keep connected?

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Pumpkin Bread

He loved Pumpkin Bread. He loved a lot of specific things. He knew what he liked because after much living and much thinking about living he made a point to extract the wheat from the chaff. He knew by practical experimentation which things worked best and he held tight to those things. 

So I always knew what to expect. I always knew where things stood for him and with us. And even though, at the time, it was occasionally frustrating - his certainty, his precision, his discipline - there was an awful lot of comfort in his smart, steady and well reasoned ways.

Now, since his death, my husband's quirky and concrete preferences are landmarks in time. So often, when I come across "the right hanger" or I again "hang the towels his way" in the bathroom so they dry fast and well, I smile. But sometimes these things, like this speciality bread at the beginning of Fall, break-my-heart-all-over-again. 

No sense in avoiding it, so I just let it come. Once Iit, it races up from my heart straight out my eyes like how brush fires hop fences in a robust wind. I think about how I have no napkins to wipe my tears here in the cafe. And how I should have some sunglasses to hide my swollen eyes. 

Thoughts act as a break dousing the thing. The more I think the more things improve.

I have lots to do today and lots to look forward to. Lots of new beginnings and exciting changes going on! And just as I know every moment is sacred, I also know this moment will pass. Some new thing will happen and this event too will become the past.

Fire now out, smoke and char remain. But I keep it together. And I move on…

Have you tasted the Pumpkin Bread at La Farm French Bakery? Oh you must, it is sooooo delicious! 

Why can't we live fully with joy - no matter what?

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A Healing Effect

"For things to reveal themselves to us, we need to be ready to abandon our views about them."  ~ thich nhat hahn

Describing a feeling is never easy unless I have an acute sense of it's components. I have been living under an umbrella of grief for 23 months now so I can describe that pretty dog gone well...and I think I have. 

Over time I have developed tools, tricks and strategies to dodge, absorb and release much sorrow. But now - today and for the past several days - there is something new afoot. 

There is a freshly burning thing wanting to be revealed. It appears to be a calming answer to an earlier request. And I 'think' I am more grounded and whole because of it. Only time will tell if there is Truth here.

What seems to be building round the middle of my chest is a broad and natural heat, the likes of which one expects to find at the center of a heap of long composted garden waste. Yet this triple shredded compost is inside of me! This may sound strange but it is almost like a space has been made clear "for my husband" inside of my heart. We are connected together again in a new and profound way.

Am I receiving a gift of sorts? Or do I just have indigestion? 

It appears to be the antithesis of those irregular intense strikes of pain and loss. Yes - this feels of steadiness and comfort and love. It is as if by allowing Michael to become part of me - part of my heart - I am made more than whole.

Does any of this make any sense? How can one be more than whole? Is this kind of equation (100% + 1) even possible? The effect of being stretched beyond my current understanding is a feeling of empowerment, compassion and humility for it all.

The one familiar aspect of this new found formation within is finding myself in yet-another-transitional-place. Change has become quite normal to me. In fact it has become standard operating procedure!

As any good Buddhist will tell you, the only way to find permanent joy is by embracing the fact that nothing is permanent. And though I am not Buddhist, experience has shown me this is, ironically, the UNCHANGING Truth. 

This is all I am allowed to know at this time. When I know more I will be sure to tell you. For it is "the telling" that has become my healing. 

And I am hopeful, too, that there are healings in these writings of mine for others. For this is my task. And for this task my gratitude is unbounded.

How are you changing today?

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Requesting Relief

Loving someone is neither 'a trap' nor 'the answer.' It is a connection to Love. This truth allows for expansion of giving & receiving. Knowing this truth is a gift of great freedom and joy!

Struggling to stay content with all the great and wonderful aspects of the life I am living I am arrived at a crossroads. I am needing relief from paralyzing desire.

This desire is for a person, but it could just as easily be for anything that is unattainable or beyond your control. 

Desire is a sticky place. It will not let me go. I am caught up in a thicket of confusing old thoughts, feelings and experiences. They bind me tightly to the past and do not let me move on. 

I find this condition showing up again and again. And I chaff at how easily it quickens and absorbs all of my attention. The momentary elation I feel when I willingly climb back into this space is scarred by the truth of the thing.

It is from within this space of inner controversy - because I cannot have what I want - that I request some relief.

And I am, as usual, given what I ask for as I have asked from a place of acceptance and love.

Loving someone is neither 'a trap' nor 'the answer.' It is a connection to Love. This truth allows for expansion of giving & receiving. Knowing this truth is a gift of great freedom and joy!

I Love You Universe!

I am having a real tough realization today. It is rather embarrassing and I feel really raw but the TRUTH does that to us - doesn't it?!

Found out last nite that 'my crush' has happily found a sweetheart of his own. He has never responded to me in any way other than as a caring and casual friend. But I have always held out hope for more ---- eventually.  

And having been consistently infatuated with the idea of us becoming spiritual partners, I have found a way to stave off the reality that I am truly on my own with no one to care about me like my husband used to. (Our song "What a Wonderful World" is playing on the radio right now so I figure my hubby is with me right now as these lessons wash over me!) With my fantasy busted I feel the loss of a very REAL protective device. OUCH - OUCH! What's a little more pain? I have been in pain since Michael died... more or less.

Plus this news has walloped me right in the TRUTH department! It reveals the difference between "what I say" and "what is really going on" inside the deepest part of myself. Another TRUTH is my crush has always been a "passive" teacher for me. For this I am grateful. I really do love him for that!

And, if I look very closely, there is good news afoot...

~ I am stronger.
I have been aware since the very beginning these feelings I have for my crush are a BIG DISTRACTION. And even though all the signs have always pointed me in this direction, I have clung to this fantasy and refused to let it go. At the same time focusing on this affair rather than on myself, my healing and my journey has allowed me some measure of comfort when I needed it. So I guess the universe figures I am stronger now and can handle the truth.

~ I am whole, perfect and complete.
Having my fantasy withdrawn in this real way exposes that place inside me that says "you are small and unloved and NOT intrinsically worthy." So now that I have unearthed this shadow, I am committed to pulling this weed out of my soul garden so I may heal in a more deeper way. I have actually been asking to reveal that place within that is whole complete and perfect so I can see what it feels like to create from here rather than from a place of hunger and lack. Be careful what you ask for ladies and gentlemen!

~ I am awake.
I have become so aware of my emotions, that I actually felt the difference between a "HURT EGO" and a "SOUL PAIN" Losing my husband is a SOUL PAIN that will always be with me. My crush's natural preference for other than me feels less dense but no less sharp. And I am confident, though it does really hurt now, it will heal quickly. I am so grateful for this knowing and it's valuable lessons. This episode has shown me I am more internally aware than I have ever been before.

~ I am capable of Big Love
Lastly, I am so happy that a man I love is being loved and feeling loved. It has been another goal of mine to love with detachment. This is a great place to leave this event. I sense both of us have been wanting real connections, but have been trying to play it safe and protect ourselves at the same time. So if he can open his heart to let love into his life than this bodes well for all of us!

The oddest, almost comical aspect to all of this is that I had my annual meeting with my accountants this AM to discuss the status of my portfolio. So you see - this time - this day - this moment -  is really about MY SELF WORTH in all ways imaginable!

I love you Michael, I love you Mr. Crush and I love you Universe!

Thanks for listening ~


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Joy Springs Up in Unexpected Places

Do you know the sound the cartoon dog makes when he shoots his head straight up and suddenly becomes aware of something? And his warm, sweet and goofy awareness changes everything and comically moves the story forward?

Well - I am making that sound - dumb lovable feisty me. I am suddenly aware that I am very open to allowing a loving universe help me resolve my challenges in surprising ways!

Tears don't just come for no reason. There is something that pushes them out. I know I am still grieving, but I am having a hard time thinking grief is the only reason I am crying right now. Is it because I am experiencing glimpses of loving again in a new way? An all inclusive vulnerable way that feels safe somehow because "with Love all things are possible." Kinda feels a little profound-ish, but YES, this is exactly it!

I know this is accurate because the convulsion of painful emotion stopped once I chose to see the truth beneath the tears. Wow - that was cool! (You get this way, this sensitivity, by having cried a lot - by the way.)

I used to share my Love with just my hubby - but know it seems I am cultivating a new experience of Love. It feels alien and very familiar at the same time. I am being lovable, loving and loved with, to and by everyone!

I wonder what this all means? I wonder if this miraculous life of mine is finally blooming right here in late February like the unexpected daffodils in my backyard? These silly flowers are in the wrong place. They have blossomed in the center of a new path I installed last year. But they are bright spots of yellow in an otherwise dreary winter scape just the same. They speak to me about unexpected joy.

Frankly, I will take what I can get. I have had a very tough year and a half. "Hey Universe, Thank You. And let's get ready to R - U - M - B - L - E !" Bring on your multiplicity of synchronistic & unexpected miracles! I am ready to be amazed and happy again! I am willing to enjoy Joy wherever it shows up on MY new path.

Are you willing to just allow Joy?

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Get Busy Livin'

"Life presses upon us, forever challenging us with new forms of vitality that threaten the status quo which feels so good with its stability and peace. Religions seem to hate Pan and his vitality. Often, they prefer the death principle. Let things be as they always have been. No intrusions of vitality, please. I think that people in general are more afraid of living than of dying." ~Thomas Moore

It does not get more plain and to the point. "Vitality" is a very tricky word. Broken apart it's root is VITAL. What is vital in a life is air, water, food...all the Maslovian basics. But "Vitality" also connotes the energy that undergirds sexuality, pleasure and all things joyful.

Strange that one word would suggest two such diverse ends of a spectrum. Unless, as Thomas suggested, the enjoying of basic needs - air, water and food - with the same passion and pleasure that sexuality affords is in effect an expression of Spirituality.

We have all heard tell of that person who ENJOYS life. We have seen that person in movies and read of her in books. I have always held her in high esteem. And have always (until now) subconsciously wanted to be like her. To take a bite out of life, to take pleasure in pleasure freely and without apology. 

Frankly I've had my moments. My birthday last year was one. I was suffering the fairly recent death of my husband and turning the culturally charged age of 50 at the same time. How does one go through this without feeling massive amounts of pain? 

Well it was a miracle. Amazing Grace, and my sister, placed me in a place and among loving people. And as the bewitching hour approached I found myself dancing with complete abandon. My body flung itself iinto action, rhythmically pulsating and gyrating and bending and twisting with great joy and ease. "I" was lost and "I" was found at the same time. 

This was a gift of great proportions which I will never forget. Oh and being 50, by the way, boy oh boy was I SORE afterwards! 

So I get what Thomas is asking us to explore and embrace - if we can. I am so grateful for this lesson at this time in my life. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!

"Get busy livin' or get busy dyin'." What movie is that from?

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"So what do you do?"

Contemplating how to answer the question, "So what do you do?"I can say any number of things. "I am an artist. I am on sabbatical. I am on an artistic pleasure cruise. I am healing from a great loss. I am recovering after my husband's death." 

The Truth is "I spend my time lifting the veil from my consciousness... and you?" Not good fodder for a casual conversation...or a first date.  

What does that mean anyway..."lifting the veil from my consciousness?"

Imagine this. You are at sea on a trip you never intended. And getting your bearings takes a great deal of effort. You have no idea of where your headed or the length of your journey. You recall what being on solid ground used to feel like. And you anticipate docking ---at some port ---some day - but are confident of nothing else.  


Each day presents itself anew. Some mornings are fresh and unspoiled by conditions of the past so you feel "free" to chart your course as you choose. Other AMs roll you in tar and feathers and insist you just take it like a man. How would you approach this circumstance? 


Somedays I am awake and I make deliberate choices. Others days I allow my feelings to have free reign. Either way I am adrift in a ocean of me-me-me grasping too tightly... and sometimes... letting go. I am told this self-absorption is to be expected in cases like mine. But REALLY isn't there an expiration date on this "navel gazing?"

I do see some progress though. I am experiencing a great deal of ACCEPTANCE these days. And there is also a more robust center of gravity that is being developed ---which helps my cause. This new-ish internal gyroscope is being built within me. It invites me to balance things out more easily. 

Still no itinerary. Still no destination. But lots of budding awarenesses to make note of --- like Darwin, uncovering Origin of Species. 

So how do you answer this question,  "What do you do?"

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