Good Grief

“You know quite well, deep within you, that there is only a single magic, a single power, a single salvation... and that it is called loving. Well, then, love your suffering. Do not resist it, do not flee from it. It is your aversion that hurts, nothing else." ~hermann hesse

Grief has sculpted me over these last 2 1/2 years. It has been my permission slip, my way in and out and through things. Lately though I have been taking note of the many moments I am "clean & sober" feeling good and in life's pocket again, without feelings of grief.

Having become so accustomed to feeling deeply pangs of deep sorrow, this now is strange. Comforting Grief connects me with he who is lost. But more so even, Grief has introduced me to my viscera - my deep feeling self. And I like being connected like that! 

Giving up Grief may actually be like quitting a substance that I have come to know and been most seductively soothed by. I am suddenly aware that letting go may be a challenge.

Stepping out from under this big black umbrella seems to be what is called for right now. I really can't waste another moment. I must become a responsible veteran of these "my griefy wars!" I want to own my own present experiences - taking on the world directly without the veil of Grief, without an excuse...but not without a net! 

No need to be a daredevil. 

Can I stay connected without Grief? Is there a practice 
i can put into action that will slide elegantly into grief's place?

So I am on the hunt to identify that thing that will be my entry point into the deepest parts of myself. I will let you know when I have found it! I think I know what it is already...and if you have been following me for a bit you may know too! 

How do you keep connected?

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Requesting Relief

Loving someone is neither 'a trap' nor 'the answer.' It is a connection to Love. This truth allows for expansion of giving & receiving. Knowing this truth is a gift of great freedom and joy!

Struggling to stay content with all the great and wonderful aspects of the life I am living I am arrived at a crossroads. I am needing relief from paralyzing desire.

This desire is for a person, but it could just as easily be for anything that is unattainable or beyond your control. 

Desire is a sticky place. It will not let me go. I am caught up in a thicket of confusing old thoughts, feelings and experiences. They bind me tightly to the past and do not let me move on. 

I find this condition showing up again and again. And I chaff at how easily it quickens and absorbs all of my attention. The momentary elation I feel when I willingly climb back into this space is scarred by the truth of the thing.

It is from within this space of inner controversy - because I cannot have what I want - that I request some relief.

And I am, as usual, given what I ask for as I have asked from a place of acceptance and love.

Loving someone is neither 'a trap' nor 'the answer.' It is a connection to Love. This truth allows for expansion of giving & receiving. Knowing this truth is a gift of great freedom and joy!

Beginning Anew...Again

“The mind creates the abyss, the heart crosses it.” ~ Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj

"A time comes in your life when you finally get it…when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out…enough! Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on. Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are…and that’s OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions. You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself…and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval. You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you – or didn’t do for you – and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. 

You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility. Finally, with courage in your heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can." ~ Sonny Carrol

Far-Fetched Ideas

"That is a REALLY far-fetched idea," she was told by someone somewhere once upon a time. But who cares. It is a place to start. If we hold back in our imaginary places we are lost... without hope or at least moving forward only within our existing paradigms.  

Paradigm: Origin: 1475–85;  Late Latin paradīgma  < Greek parádeigma>  pattern 

(verbid of paradeiknýnai  to show side by side), equivalent to para- para-¹  + deik-,  base of deiknýnai  to show (see deictic) + -ma  noun suffix

And while your existing patterns may be fine, if we are living consciously, we can examine these patterns. We can begin to pick and choose that which we enjoy and begin to discard the routines that no longer serve our evolving selves. 

Why not? I am sorry, have we something to lose here? Yes we do. Our crutches, our sleep walking ways, our corral which fences us in keeping us in the comfortable familiar place  looking always toward the ground and not the sky.

I will begin today by reminding myself of the good things I have collected in my life. We are a collection of what we love, are we not?  Here are the things I love...

The Beach, 
The dog, 
The children of friends,
The friends, 
The warm bed, 
The out reached hand, 
The clever word play,
The well painted eye of a rooster,
The deep and far reaching conversation,  
The love of a good man, 
The satisfied rolling over after a magnificent union, 
The morning light shining through neon tangerine and orange leaves, 
The walk to exercise my body and relieve my mind,
The far flung pass to the almost out of bounds receiver, 
The crunch of a crisp green salad with a vibrant homemade green goddess dressing, 
The completion of a task long avoided, 
The sun  - in any position in the sky, 
The low slung large harvest moon, 
The songs that make my eyes tear up or my body want to dance and 
The tears and the pee caused by uncontrollable laughter shared with anyone else who wants to play along.

This collection of lovely fragments and wisps remind me of who I am. Perhaps these Truths are the first step to revealing my deepest desires?  Finger's crossed. 

Today I will follow those feelings that tell me what I love and what I can do without from now on!

What is on your list?

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