I'm a Pepper. You're a Pepper...

organism

[awr-guh-niz-uh m]  noun   1. a form of life composed of mutually interdependent parts that maintain various vital processes.

To be an organism in my own life; to confidently behave in my own best interest without doubt, fear or judgement; this is my NIRVANA. 

This is not a selfish aim for in being such a thing I eclipse that part of myself that gets in my own way. You know what I am talking about...that voice that, at best - hinders or delays joy and at worst - scolds, malforms or denigrates a soul's truest nature.

An organism has no such voice. It has no inner child or half-baked notions which need overcoming. It just simply moves with ease as it is meant to for the good of itself and the body in which it lives. Ahhhh...this sounds so peaceful.

Now some may think my aspiring to be an organism might leave me small, faceless and without a personality. But my read is just the opposite. If I were fortunate enough to be an organism I would be a one-of-a-kind singular and perfect expression of myself. I would know innately my place in the world. And this "knowing" would gracefully carry me forward in the direction of my own ever unfolding destiny...joyfully and triumphantly. That doesn't seem small at all, now does it?  

If ALL THIS were actually the way of things, wouldn't you like to be an organism too? 

How do you describe your NIRVANA?

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A meditation on Beauty

Look at the beauty all around you. Or just look at one thing that is beautiful to you. Really take note of each bit and piece of the thing that is beauty to you. 

Now - close your eyes and recreate the thing - see the shape and the texture and the variations of color and hue. Breathe softly in and out as you carefully review all the bits and pieces. Take your time. Don't miss a thing.

And finally - feel the beauty. Become it if you are able. Breathe softly and notice the sensations of beauty as they arise within you. Allow yourself the option to invent and then have these sensations. Feel it. Notice yourself feeling it. Then feel it again. Let go and float inside the beauty.

These sensations are just as real as the thing you admired as beautiful. Only now they are part of you. You ARE the beauty. 

Just a thought. Give it a try!

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Dissolving the Ego

Dissolving the Ego is like selling the first car you ever owned. You are attached to it. You have depended on it to take you places since... forever  It is how you move around, get attention, how you are able to carry all that stuff around with you wherever you go. How could you ever manage without it?

Like a car, we need an Ego - right?  Right, but how often do we let the car drive us? And say you did want to dissolve the only mode of being you have ever known? How does one even approach such a thing?

I observed my ego causing trouble recently. The commotion began when my mind was left free to toddle and sway. Thoughts slid unconsciously following one another down hill and leaping into the ocean of unformed possibility. This is where things got stirred up! It was during a form of meditation called Visioning that I clearly recognized my  "not so good feelings" are NOT me. They are the result of my ego instinctively directing traffic right off a cliff.

During this visioning short waves of sorrow began to surface. Silent and sporadic tears made this a moist meditation.  I became super aware of the slow rolling tear as it flattened itself on my cheek. Then I felt itself rounding again past the chin area where it dripped off to points unknown. This unsettled feeling showed up in the form of sorrow & tears, but it could have just as easily been a quick and sharp painful feeling of despair or a familiar wisp of old and smelly "you are not good enough" thought.

Part of visioning is asking questions and mindfully listening to the answers. Last night, when I asked to let go of something that no longer served me. "EGO" shot into the middle of my awareness. And in that moment of making a conscious choice to let go of ego the waterworks halted. Simultaneously!  It felt like my server had just cleared my plate of yucky vegetables from the table and asked, "Who's ready for dessert?" I literally "felt" the sorrow dissolve into nothingness. And then this realization melted into glee.

I didn't expect this result. I had no expectations at all. It caught me by surprise and pleased me so much.This is the great thing about observing a practice. Sometimes it leads you down favorable roads you never new existed! 

So Mr. Ego, look out. If I can do it once, I can do it again. Practice makes perfect. Don't make me turn this car around!!!

What is your practice?


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A Simple Primer for Visioning

During your regular mediation practice, make a point to have a journal and a pencil near by. Ask these four questions, one at a time. Spend a few minutes listening, without reaching or straining, for any answers that may bloom within your awareness. Take a moment to write down anything significant or insignificant. Do this for each question. You can then conclude by giving thanks if you like.

What is the highest vision for my life?

What must I become in consciousness for this vision to fulfill itself?

What must I release to be open for this vision to emerge?

Is there anything else I am to embrace in this moment?

Alchemy of Grief

Painful memories come at the strangest times. The memories aren't painful, they are warm and joy filled. The pain comes when memory is wed to the current moment. 

Shopping for groceries I pass by the in store Starbucks. Michael always stopped at the retail display to hunt for dishwasher safe travel mugs. Not for himself, he didn't drink coffee. He was looking for me. It was a little thing, but it made me feel loved.

When memory meets a PRESENT moment like this tears beg to be let out. They are called forth by an actual physical pain starting in the heart and quickly spraying wide across the chest and high toward the eyes. 

These feelings must be allowed. It is bad to hold them in. So I held it together at the grocery store long enough to walk outside. Taking up my brown paper bag in one hand and a shrink wrapped twelve pack of TP and my keys in the other I swiftly trotted to the car. Locks chirped and clicked, the hatch opened and I placed everything in back. 

In the driver's seat - it was safe to melt down - no one could see me. One of the advantages of shopping at night. 

I gave myself permission to let waves of pain and tears sweep through me. It is necessary. I am healing myself. I am sure of it. 

And I am grateful.

What are you grateful for?

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Allowing the Now

Was it courageous for Michael to choose not to seek treatment? Was it courageous for me to be by his side and help him as his illness ran the table? Not knowing if we had 6 weeks or 6 months - it was a time of uber conscious living in the Now.

After making his choice, Michael worked half days. Passing off his life's work to others was important to him. He wanted it done right. After about a week he could no longer drive and took to our bed. He was fairly self sufficient and I continued to work. About a week later I received this email, "You will have to make sure to be home to let the hospice nurse in at 5:30. I can't make it down the stairs anymore. I am sorry."

Things were moving quickly, but we did have enough time to plan an open house. Lisa, my best friend, and her husband came down from Baltimore. We also got help from good friends Jen and Tim along with my sister Alice and Michael's brother Andrew. It was a good thing too. 138 people showed up! There was a line that started at the staircase, ran down the hall into the kitchen and out the back door. Jen became 'the hostess' so folks did not have to wait in line. She made a list and sent folks upstairs in groups of 5 and 6. 

And there was lots of food!  It was so crowded Lisa was trapped at the kitchen sink. She told me later that at one point she had to go to the bathroom but couldn't make it out of the kitchen. So she just kept doing dishes and after a while, she said, "It just went away!" I was not really aware of any of this at the time. I generally stayed by Mike's side, in our bedroom, making sure he had an advocate with him at all times during this, what my sister was now calling, a "Living Wake". 

Michael was in total control that day. He passed on his meds to make sure he would be present for everyone. As 3:00 approached, our cut off time for all visitors, Michael asked how many were left. About 15 we told him. "Send them up in two groups," he commanded. "I want to make sure everybody gets seen." After the last group left I took a private moment to clean him up and give him his morphine. He wanted to thank everyone personally for their help so he asked the 7 of us to come up and be with him as he fell asleep. I asked him how he thought the day went. Michael thought for a long moment. "It was like a real tough football game...but we won." 

"Get some rest." I told him. "You don't have to do anything else. It is all done. I love you." "I love you too," he said as he slipped off to sleep. That was Saturday. He slept straight thru Sunday. On Monday, after Alice and I changed his sheets, I kissed Michael and told him I loved him.  "I love you too", he said. These words seemed to come from another place. Not from Michael. Not from this room. "Alice, did you hear that?"  We were amazed as we wept. Somehow we both knew these might be his last words. The next day Michael died.

Einstein said, 

"I think the most important question facing humanity is, ‘Is the universe a friendly place?’ This is the first and most basic question all people must answer for themselves." 

  

Even after the sudden loss of my husband to illness - call me Anne Frank - I still believe the universe is a friendly place. Just like I made sure my husband was totally supported and loved, I believe, when we work with it, the force that governs our universe does the same for us!

Yes,  I grieve daily. But everyday I am grateful for a more mature understanding of Love and for the unconditional Trust that are now part of my being.

Ours was not a special brand of Courage. We had only an average every day every man's kind of Courage. We had the Courage to chose to allow the present moment to just unfold...without judgments and without expectations. We had the Courage to give up the need to know what tomorrow looks like

You don't have to have a terminal illness to be Courageous. I believe if you choose to live in Einstein's friendly universe and from this you begin to cultivate an unconditional Trust that you are always safe and all your needs will always be met you will be living a Courageous life.

What kind of Universe do you live in?

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Is the Universe Friendly?

--by Albert Einstein (May 07, 2012)

Listen To Reading!

What kind of universe do you live in?


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Pass the bread please

Self-Love is the bread of life.

Bread,  Original Watercolor by Linda Dallas                           \ http://www.appetite4art.com/linda_dallas_notecard_103.htm

I am getting used to taking care of myself again. I did it before I was married. A burst of tears erupts as missing Michael pushes forward. He had my back. Who has my back now asks my tears? I must have my own back. This does not sound like Self-Love. This sounds more like I am a Survivalist, separate and alone.

Read a great quote from some mystic recently, "I love you and it is no concern of yours." suggesting an awakened stance that love is formed from within and is meant to be given away. Are we not all connected and do we not all have lessons to share with one another? This is how Self-Love and the Survivalist come together.

Self-Love is essential because it is the place from which we must start. It is the love we have for ourselves that allows us to give love to others. It is the starter, as in a cherished bread dough. You always keep a bit of the 'mother' for yourself as you pass it on to others. As it is kept and given away, it expands and grows. 

Fermentation of love within yourself allows time for love to develop more fully. This in turn improves the longevity of love shared. And it creates greater complexities and depth of that love.

The Survivalist maintains the starter. Self-Love is the starter. It feeds all other possibilities. Pass the bread please.

How do you nourish yourself?

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I will not sugar coat it for you

Look - I will not sugar coat it for you, if you will not sugar coat it for me. This is Authenticity. 

"Authentic carries a connotation of authoritative certification that an object is what it is claimed to be."   From dictionary.com

I can mostly be counted on to be authentic, except when I am unsure of myself, or if I am scared or if I am nervous or if I feel unsafe, or if I am living unconsciously. But in all other cases I am most definitely a genuine and real person.

 
All one needs to do is throw others off the scent with a couple of “not so real cues” and if they are following you…are you following me...we have thrown them (and ourselves) off track. No good can come of this. Anything sugar coated or affected, for whatever reason, will be at best a pale echo of our selves and at worst an oddly shaped mass without any reference to who we really are. We are then just a stiff wind, a good downpour, or an army of ants away from havoc, ruination and carnage. No wonder we are so nervous to share our bone fide selves!

I have lived this life of being 'what I needed to become' to get what I thought I wanted. I have even moved mountains to make things happen exactly as I thought they should. My 11 years on the road as a stand up comedienne is proof positive of my earth moving skills. And in the end, like all tales of the misbegotten – great word meaning unlawfully obtained or badly conceived – I was not where I wanted to be.
  
But the great news is I can move mountains! I can create what I want to demostrate in my life. I am a powerful and sensitive creature with love and law on my side. Just got to do it from a more authentic place this time.
 
Does the word authority have any relation to authentic? How about author, is this a distant cousin to them both? I often struggle with my own authority. Who am I? What right do I have? Authority refers to rankings, officialness and control. How often do I feel I rank right up there or have control? And I am most certainly NEVER official about anything. I hold no office which says so.
   
Authenticity means genuine, actual, real.

Authority means power, force, official.

Author means writer, progenitor, equivalent to aug (ere) to increase (see augment).

Augment means to make larger, raise a half step.

It turns out that though they share similar letters their origins are not really related…unless you are me. I see a definite connection between being authentic and that giving me the authority to share my real self as an author. But most telling is the final word which describes the canopy under which I create – Augment - to make larger, to raise a half step. 

This feels soooo right.  


What feels very right to you?

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Like never before

Even though I am just a confused as ever, I am ready now to find right work. And I choose a project with soul in mind…one that directly conjures higher expansion.

I came across a term recently that grabbed my attention -  "The bardos." Bardo is a Tibetan word which literally means "in-between." and connotes the wisdom of uncertainty. It includes the transitional states of birth, death, dream, reincarnation or afterlife, meditation, and spiritual lightness of being. The term bardo can also be used metaphorically to describe times when our usual way of life becomes suspended. In the bardo I recognize myself.

What comes after the bardo?

Finding right work. 

Our work is a reflection of self, a means of loving ourselves and others, our place in the world. My work will both satisfy the very root of my being and be a tribute somehow to Michael and our life together. Whatever my intention for my life, I want my work to be both simple... and grand. 

But my vision is constrained. It is bound by context, experience and belief. Am I setting a trap for myself by aiming beyond what I can currently know? Or have I been living in a trap - in only that which appears to be attainable? 

What you see is what you get. I can see what is directly in front of me. I can see what I can conjure in my imagination. But from my transitional space as I aspire to higher expression, how can I CAUSE expansion of what I believe possible? 

My Opus awaits, my Love awaits, my next chapter awaits. I declare the cat out of the bag, the chips fallen, the dust settled, the chickens well roosted at home, the carpetbaggers welcome and fed, the clowns out of the car and my sweet lover kissed goodnight. 

What Truth do you declare for yourself?

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A more open heart

The mind putters about, while the heart knows. The mind juggles while the heart contains. I am placing my heart upfront to filter all that comes my way today. 

I awoke heavily affected. What is happening here? I want that free flow and connected feeling please, not this curio shop filled with matter and transactions entangled with feelings and dreams. All these concerns were popped up in front of my eyes and my mind holding me captive before I even start my day! This will not do.

Settling into a focused and mindful state, I made my choice. I decided to let go of all the questions, the problems, the mind's rat's nests and flowers. This choice was all it took and my awareness of all that the mind projected upon my life dropped away.  My decision immediately emptied the carousel of the projector leaving just a bright white light. The muck of my existence was gone. Instantly I felt within my heart again. Recognizing being inside pulled me in even further. It made me want to stay seated in my more open heart. 

For some reason meditating with a "more" open heart seemed better than mediating with just a plain 'ol open heart.  I am sure it is because the "more" open heart presupposed an already open heart which made widening it's opening an even simpler affair.

I stayed in this place as long as I could then shifted back to the morning and it's requirements. But I am taking this place with me. And when adversity, large or small, jumps in my path I will recall this lesson. Stop. Breathe. And be in gratitude for the opportunity to learn and grow. 

Being stopped in my tracks like this is very familiar to me. I have been here before. I know I don't like it and now I know a better way. I got a "Get out of Jail Free" card. We all do. But the card is no good unless we use it!

What is in your way today?

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Love, onesize fits all...BIG!

When I was younger, before I found Love, I only knew the empty space where Love was not. I walked around throwing everything at the empty space. Some things made it in, some did not. I came close a few times, a few boys, a few men, even a career temporarily filled me up. 

But when my husband and I met we found ourselves within each other's Love. The process was gradual. Our commitment to each other's well-being grew strong. We fed each others strengths and held one another during the hardest of times. Until two summers ago...when I held my Love for the last time. 

Now my awareness of Love has leveled up. It had to. Michael's life was a substantial introduction to Love. His Death was the consummate master class. I thought he took his love with him. And in a way he did. I no longer could touch Love with my hands or see Love with my eyes. But I realize now his love was proof of Love. It was a FLASH of a much more vast incorporeal reservoir of Love.  

Reservoir of Love...who knew this Big Love even existed?  Discovering this Big Love is like hitting the lottery. It is actually better as it can never be taken away. It is an endless supply that keeps you warm at night, keeps your sights set high and keeps you from doing desperate things --- like giving your power away.

My Big Love has me knowing I am brightly and boldly designed to withstand most anything. Big Love deems me worthy... just because. And you can be sure you have your own reservoir of Big Love...as we are all designed brightly and boldly. We are all worthy...just because. 

It is a wonderful thing to demonstrate your own true value. Knowing I can freely go to the safe space in my heart and withdraw what I need for the day is a revelation! I can take extra out to give to a friend in need. And from within Big Love I see Big Love in others. 

Sometimes something happens and I slip back toward a place where I cannot get in. And I cannot remember my password - no matter how hard I try. But when I am paying attention or just when I am ready I take the long walk back. Back to that peaceful place, the center of my heart, where I do not need a password. Then Big Love beckons to me!

Big Love is always there. The process is gradual. When you allow it, it feeds your strengths and holds you during the hardest of times. "All is well. I am here." it says. " I love you more than I ever have and nothing can ever change that." 

When I settle into this warm and open place I feel relief. Soon I begin to feel my courage and power return. 

Then I begin again.

What is your love story? 
 
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Far-Fetched Ideas

"That is a REALLY far-fetched idea," she was told by someone somewhere once upon a time. But who cares. It is a place to start. If we hold back in our imaginary places we are lost... without hope or at least moving forward only within our existing paradigms.  

Paradigm: Origin: 1475–85;  Late Latin paradīgma  < Greek parádeigma>  pattern 

(verbid of paradeiknýnai  to show side by side), equivalent to para- para-¹  + deik-,  base of deiknýnai  to show (see deictic) + -ma  noun suffix

And while your existing patterns may be fine, if we are living consciously, we can examine these patterns. We can begin to pick and choose that which we enjoy and begin to discard the routines that no longer serve our evolving selves. 

Why not? I am sorry, have we something to lose here? Yes we do. Our crutches, our sleep walking ways, our corral which fences us in keeping us in the comfortable familiar place  looking always toward the ground and not the sky.

I will begin today by reminding myself of the good things I have collected in my life. We are a collection of what we love, are we not?  Here are the things I love...

The Beach, 
The dog, 
The children of friends,
The friends, 
The warm bed, 
The out reached hand, 
The clever word play,
The well painted eye of a rooster,
The deep and far reaching conversation,  
The love of a good man, 
The satisfied rolling over after a magnificent union, 
The morning light shining through neon tangerine and orange leaves, 
The walk to exercise my body and relieve my mind,
The far flung pass to the almost out of bounds receiver, 
The crunch of a crisp green salad with a vibrant homemade green goddess dressing, 
The completion of a task long avoided, 
The sun  - in any position in the sky, 
The low slung large harvest moon, 
The songs that make my eyes tear up or my body want to dance and 
The tears and the pee caused by uncontrollable laughter shared with anyone else who wants to play along.

This collection of lovely fragments and wisps remind me of who I am. Perhaps these Truths are the first step to revealing my deepest desires?  Finger's crossed. 

Today I will follow those feelings that tell me what I love and what I can do without from now on!

What is on your list?

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