Deep Inside the Darkness is Light

"As long as you do not know what you are experiencing inside, you are asleep in your life, even though you may think you are very awake." ~gary zukav 

Protection has got me thinking and feeling small. Rejection is fresh and overt as I begin to date again. It is harder than I thought it would be after losing my husband to illness almost 3 years ago.

I have done the work. I have opened myself up and have reaped many rewards - brand new friendships, awesome new experiences and a boat load of new emotions & feelings. But it seems there is still more work to do. Alas as I drill down even more deeply I am finding more growing... and more pain. 

There is this idea lurking deep down inside me that no one will ever love me again the way my husband loved me. The way we loved each other. And perhaps, I have to admit, I will never love again the way I loved him.

Does this mean all my efforts so far are useless? Or am I just arrived at yet another level for potential healing? 

My experience tells me I must allow these deep feelings a voice. I acknowledged these feelings as I watched them express themselves sideways as my own self-judgement and tears. 

Reflecting on these ideas, "my truths," makes way for new beliefs to take hold. I acknowledge "these truths" may not be so true so I can cleanse myself of limiting beliefs.

And most importantly, I acknowledge these "truths" so I may move forward with love and compassion for my predicament and towards new better ways that serve my deepest desire for amazement, freedom and joy this year!

Jack Kornfield says, "Wise spiritual practice requires that we actively address the pain and conflict of our life." 

Like a spring bulb I must want to grow to break through the mud and earth toward my newly blossoming self! Just did not figure it would hurt so much...again.

What light is hidden from you by the dark?

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The Joy of Obstinance

No! I don't want to! No! I will not! These are the things I say to myself when I am feeling completely obstinate. It is a feeling of standing still and strongly opposing that which is said to be important or otherwise necessary. Well I do not care what they say, I am not going to go along. I am going to make a grimace with my lips while I grit my teeth and furrow my brow! I am clinching my fists and being a big fat baby and saying, "No way, not me, not now, no how!"

Is this something bad? Let's take another look. How often are we standing strongly? How many times are we so sure - down to our marrow - about something? Isn't this kind of attitude a clue telling us something about ourselves and the way we see our world? 

What if we maintain the same kind of strong stance but unclinch our fists?

What if we stop judging it from the outside and begin to look inside and underneath the experience? 

I find by doing this then somehow the thing and I are transformed. It is becoming more true that the thing I ENJOY not doing becomes my JOY in doing of the other. In accepting my stubborn stance I see the opposing side has become my friend. It shows me the way. And then - the strangest thing of all happens - the opposing thing just dissolves - POOF - and I am left in peace.

Turning things "outside in" like this is a new habit I am forming. Leaving off JUDGMENT for OBSERVING is the  essence of this new practice. Yes, I still go thru the usual angst of being human and not liking a place or a situation. But taking a moment to become a witness and really look at a thing is "good stuff making."

Have you ever turned things around? I would be curious to hear about it.

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Manifesting: the process revealed

"We need not always be effective, but only transparent and vulnerable. Then we are instruments, no matter what we do." ~ richard rohr

I have been gandering at this transition from grieving to gratitud-ing I am making. This is what I have come up with so far.

With no anecdote here that will ground this esoteric discussion, I hope you will stick with me as I dissect why things are seeming to be going my way more and more these days - even when "bad" things happen.

Even though I am unaware of where I am going, what purpose I serve or how I will make my way in this world, I am becoming aware of the process by which my best life can be unfolded.

Acceptance of "what is", i. e. scraping illusion for the subtler substance of things is becoming my go to response in any situation. From here I find myself Requesting what I would like to happen within the circumstance at hand. Then things seem to pan out in my favor --usually in a way I could not have foreseen.

Turns out doing things in this order suits both me and the universe. As I am accepting of what is, my request for change comes from a meatier less grasping place. It rolls with the current rather than crashes into it! This way I am in the flow, flowing forward toward my Destiny...which is still TBD.

And through it all I am finding being transparent and vulnerable allows things to move through me - for my own benefit - and for the benefit of others I hope. I am no longer getting stuck in emotional angst of wishing this "had never happened" or that "is not how it is supposed to be." 

The more I do it the easier it is to be transparent and vulnerable. I recognize these are the vehicles that give juice to things; they allow connections to be made and soulful growth to occur. Plus I am sure whatever I am going through is not singular in nature. I am, as you are, human.

That's where the 'instrument' part of Richard Rohr's quote comes in. I can not think of anything more satisfying than being myself, doing what I love and having those two things serve others.

That is as far as my plan goes these days. Got no details. Got no "to do" list. Got no worries that if I follow this process more will be revealed elegantly and with ease. 

So here are the steps again cuz people like numbering things...

1) Complete acceptance of what is

2) Request anything you like from a place of acceptance

3) Watch as your life favorably unfolds.

Manifesting in this way is very new to me so I am open to any tweaking of the above process! But so far so good...

How do you make manifest the things you desire?

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Monkeying around with Religion

“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we see in them.” Thomas Merton

Thomas Merton was a trappist monk of the Abbey of Gethsemani, Kentucky, he was a poet, mystic and a student of comparative religion.

Some may have observed a recent shift toward writing about contemplation, religion and spirituality. The catalyst for this is an e-course called "Crafting your own Religion" in which I am a participate. It is being taught by Thomas Moore, author of Care of the Soul , amongst other books on religion, mind and spirit. 

Today the class was asked to consider perhaps taking a few practices from monastic or cloistered traditions toward crafting our own religions, i.e. taking a deeper dive into things! TM used the word "serious". This sounded serious to me suggesting we take religion seriously. And it felt like a red flag. I have never cottoned to folks who take religion too seriously. But leaning into something to craft a thing most to my own liking is the whole point of the class. So - from my heart - here are vows I might subscribe to and some text I might like to see illuminated in a manuscript.

Thomas Moore says, "Vows help us to avoid forgetfulness and distraction & anchor our vision." Here are my three simple vows:

To be responsible with all human relationships, i.e., be transparent, vulnerable, present & available

To do my best in all things without judgement or expectation

To laugh and be joyful

My scriptorium text (currently) would be 

"Don't think of yourself as an intestinal tract and a tangle of nerves in the skull, that will not work unless you drink coffee. Think of yourself as incandescent power, illuminated perhaps and forever talked to by God and his messengers... Think if Tiffany's made a mosquito, how wonderful we would think it was!" ~ Brenda Ueland 

The vows and quote above appear to advocate an innocence or child's eye view. But from my current perspective this is a fine and wonderful thing. For to partition off from our waking selves "childlike wonder" seems most forgetful indeed!

If you were to monk-ey around with monastic ways what would you do?

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Clarity 2.0

Clarity is a fleeting pain in the ass. The prevailing winds change, clarity gently brushes against your cheek, then drifts on. So you better be ready for it or it may just pass you by like it never happened. 

What do I believe? Getting clear here will help me move to the next level in my life, I am thinking. As long as I can remember I have always understood that I am you and you are me - that we are the same. Never studied a religion to learn this - it is part of me. I am skeptical about all beliefs in established systems, i.e., Religion. But I do value ownership of a personally derived belief system.

The big movement for me has been coming to a complete understanding that Love rules the universe. From this I understand that as life's circumstances arise the only question I need ask is, "Does this serve me?" I am the liver of a life that serves this Life for the good and this life in turn serves me for the good. Life is a big Love snowball that way. And it all starts within me. 

So now seems a good time to define things for myself. So here are a few 'new rules' for my new life. Please note: I have never been good at following rules, so setting rules down in writing does not necessarily mean they will be followed. There is always a catch - isn't there?

1. Filter all things through your heart as it knows best.

2. Recognize Wonder as sacred as this is life affirming.

3. No more Toiling (not life affirming.) 

4. All emotions are good messengers, especially the uncomfortable ones. 

5. Carry your Mirth with you at all times, it is your Awareness Emergency kit 

6. Always seek Truth over Illusion as freedom reigns there.

I am sure if I made a thorough study of world religions or philosophers throughout history these rules, or something like them, would show up everywhere. But these organically made personalized collection of tenets suit me perfectly - in the same way the sound of a laugh matches to a person. Your laugh is part of you. No other set of modulated tones will ever do.  (BTW if you have never paid attention to the sound of your laugh, try it... pure ecstasy.)

Found within my heart, these tenets are the wind that fill my sails and give me direction. The boat, of course, is me. My body and personality are the physical mechanism by which I manifest. In this way I see my journey taking place and my heart's desire coming true.

As for the direction and strength of the wind, i.e., the plan - that I have no part in. I surrender that to a higher vision fore I know my vision is far too limited. So instead I give up judgments and expectations. And I relinquish the need to know what tomorrow looks like. This affords all manner of gracious possibilities to form organically. 

My job is to have an intention and to pay attention!

What are your beliefs?

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Allowing the Now

Was it courageous for Michael to choose not to seek treatment? Was it courageous for me to be by his side and help him as his illness ran the table? Not knowing if we had 6 weeks or 6 months - it was a time of uber conscious living in the Now.

After making his choice, Michael worked half days. Passing off his life's work to others was important to him. He wanted it done right. After about a week he could no longer drive and took to our bed. He was fairly self sufficient and I continued to work. About a week later I received this email, "You will have to make sure to be home to let the hospice nurse in at 5:30. I can't make it down the stairs anymore. I am sorry."

Things were moving quickly, but we did have enough time to plan an open house. Lisa, my best friend, and her husband came down from Baltimore. We also got help from good friends Jen and Tim along with my sister Alice and Michael's brother Andrew. It was a good thing too. 138 people showed up! There was a line that started at the staircase, ran down the hall into the kitchen and out the back door. Jen became 'the hostess' so folks did not have to wait in line. She made a list and sent folks upstairs in groups of 5 and 6. 

And there was lots of food!  It was so crowded Lisa was trapped at the kitchen sink. She told me later that at one point she had to go to the bathroom but couldn't make it out of the kitchen. So she just kept doing dishes and after a while, she said, "It just went away!" I was not really aware of any of this at the time. I generally stayed by Mike's side, in our bedroom, making sure he had an advocate with him at all times during this, what my sister was now calling, a "Living Wake". 

Michael was in total control that day. He passed on his meds to make sure he would be present for everyone. As 3:00 approached, our cut off time for all visitors, Michael asked how many were left. About 15 we told him. "Send them up in two groups," he commanded. "I want to make sure everybody gets seen." After the last group left I took a private moment to clean him up and give him his morphine. He wanted to thank everyone personally for their help so he asked the 7 of us to come up and be with him as he fell asleep. I asked him how he thought the day went. Michael thought for a long moment. "It was like a real tough football game...but we won." 

"Get some rest." I told him. "You don't have to do anything else. It is all done. I love you." "I love you too," he said as he slipped off to sleep. That was Saturday. He slept straight thru Sunday. On Monday, after Alice and I changed his sheets, I kissed Michael and told him I loved him.  "I love you too", he said. These words seemed to come from another place. Not from Michael. Not from this room. "Alice, did you hear that?"  We were amazed as we wept. Somehow we both knew these might be his last words. The next day Michael died.

Einstein said, 

"I think the most important question facing humanity is, ‘Is the universe a friendly place?’ This is the first and most basic question all people must answer for themselves." 

  

Even after the sudden loss of my husband to illness - call me Anne Frank - I still believe the universe is a friendly place. Just like I made sure my husband was totally supported and loved, I believe, when we work with it, the force that governs our universe does the same for us!

Yes,  I grieve daily. But everyday I am grateful for a more mature understanding of Love and for the unconditional Trust that are now part of my being.

Ours was not a special brand of Courage. We had only an average every day every man's kind of Courage. We had the Courage to chose to allow the present moment to just unfold...without judgments and without expectations. We had the Courage to give up the need to know what tomorrow looks like

You don't have to have a terminal illness to be Courageous. I believe if you choose to live in Einstein's friendly universe and from this you begin to cultivate an unconditional Trust that you are always safe and all your needs will always be met you will be living a Courageous life.

What kind of Universe do you live in?

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Is the Universe Friendly?

--by Albert Einstein (May 07, 2012)

Listen To Reading!

What kind of universe do you live in?


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