Making Use of Randomness

"What you seek is seeking you." ~rumi

When I became aware of Leonard Mlodinow's book The Fragility of Grand Discoveries, which makes the case for randomness' role in science, it started me thinking. Books will do that! I wondered about making use of randomness in this teeny-tiny-little experiment called my life and what discoveries might be laying in wait for little 'ol me?

If random occurrences happen and if I have an over arching intention for my life, can I then make use of randomness while thriving in the ordinariness of my everyday?

Can I declare my life will be lived in JOY and with EASE and make it stick by living simply and allowing my current daily schedule a little room to stretch and breath between regular tasks of that living?

Can I be so bold as to engage in - say a 10 minute exercise - imagining - say twice daily - what that life would look and feel like? And then can I just let it go? And in letting it go can I then give up striving to achieve it?

Would this experiment in creating a mental equivalent of my best possible life make more familiar to me what those things felt like so that when they randomly occurred I would then be more apt to recognize them?

And upon recognizing them - my visions turned in to my actual experience - might this not give me confidence to engage in more imagining, more letting go and even more manifesting?

And could all this "better world thinking" be done while just doing the dishes, taking the dog for a walk, making the kid's lunches or simply preparing to sleep at night?

Can I start this practice from right where I am now? Am I really this powerful?

The answer is YES to everything - in case you haven't arrived there already. So…what's standing in your way? You got the goods - the yearning or longing for that which makes you happy. Begin imagining today what that looks like and how it feels to be in that place. Then let it go. Now you can be confident you have done all the work necessary to assist randomness in doing it's job! 


When can you start?

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"When I Grew Out of…"

"When you feel peaceful joy, that is when you are near truth" ~rumi

I smiled when a friend used this phrase in an email recently,"When I grew out of…" It reminded me that, even after the age of 50, we do grow out of things. It let me know that whatever I am going through right now is important and okay and I will grow out of it. And from it I WILL GROW.

Let's do Spring this year ... consciously! Let's reflect on those things we have grown out of and those things we WILL grow out of! 

I have grown out of the sensibility of relying on others to do things for me. I am doing things for myself now! 

I have grown out of accepting denigrating thoughts about myself AS TRUE for I know they do not serve me in any way!

And I have grown out of judging. There is no possible way I could know the totality of me, much less the totality of you, so passing judgement seems absurd!

And I am currently growing out my old life. I can feel it receding fast like the sudden drawing back of sea water revealing 400 feet of shore line before a tidal wave slams into the coast. Sounds scary and violent and dramatic, I know, but it feels right and good and organic too. 

Birth is like that. 

So let's do Spring consciously this year! Let's reflect on those things we have grown out of and those things we WILL grow out of! And those things we are becoming!

I write these words out of Love and Compassion. This is what I have grown into. These are the things I am becoming! This is my place. I will allow the rest to unfold.

What compassionate words do you have for yourself?

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Renewed Willingness

"Freedom is available at anytime to anyone - and so is captivity." 

~martha beck

Renewing my heart's willingness to Love is my next task at hand. Here are some of my limiting beliefs... 

How do I fathom such a thing? 

Where does one heart end and another leave off? 

What kind of trial must I go through before allowing myself to love again? 

When will I know it is OK? 

Why am I making this so hard?

Today's Super-Equinox-Eclipse-Moon may be exactly the moment I have been looking for...or just another March 20th? It is said to be a profound time for new beginnings. Some claim the energy today is favorable for letting go of what no longer serves us and embarking on new and exciting journeys. 

And all I have to do is decide!


What limiting beliefs are you operating from?

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Peace From Wanting

"Normally, the test of greatness in the arts is the ability to state deep feelings and perceptions simply, clearly, and well. Indeed, it may well be said that until a person can express a thought clearly and simply, he hasn't yet fully understood it himself.” ~ Swami Kriyananda, from the book 'Art as a Hidden Message' 

We are all artists because we are always creating. 

This is my own simple prayer...

"I want everything I have. 

I have all I need. 

This is my very own peace."

What words do you use to create peace within yourself?

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Life is Butter: The Meaning of Power

"Butter", 8 x10 Watercolor

"Power" is a powerful word. I know I am not supposed to use a word to define that same word. So what other words are conjured up when you think about POWER?

My head and heart used to turn toward FEAR when I considered the idea of POWER. "Run away! Run away!" like Mike used to say when he imitated Monty Python's Holy Grail knights of the round table. 

To be powerful I was sure I needed to know all about everything, because it was what I did not know that would ultimately get in my way. In living this creed I unconsciously set boundaries and limited the heights to which I was allowed to soar because I never knew enough! 

To me this is the landscape of the powerless.

And to manifest power I had to control things. This is a given  - right? To be in control is to be powerful. It is strength in action to make sure all things were perfectly done without error or mistakes. Because when all things are in proper order for the right reasons, my prescribed notion of what is correct, my world cannot collapse - now that is Power! 

But this is rather hard to sustain over long periods of time, over our physical world and more importantly over people who are not - frankly - me. 

These days I am turning toward understanding my own personal power and turning away from trying to seize or manipulate those things that are external to me and I have absolutely no power over. And I never had any power over for that matter! 

What I have come to observe is that real power, the stuff that grounds me and never fails to result in good things happening all around me is born of being confident in the core of my being. My warm ET place, you know the movie ET, is flashing bright red as I write these words. Cultivating an awareness to that which warms me takes the place of trying to make things happen my way. I call this living from inside out!

Letting go of old paradigms has empowered me. I have let go of the notion one must be toiling to get anywhere. And I now know meditation is NOT only done on mountain tops in Tibet under the guidance of someone holy, old and mysterious. Let me tell you there is nothing more mysterious than that silent small place inside yourself you have never been to and have no idea how to reach! 

Yes - I know this is all squishy woo-woo talk! But why can't woo-woo be win-win? Why can't non-purposeful silent breathing once a day for 20 minutes be enough to increase my own sense of personal power? Why can't trusting that setting a highest intention for myself and my life will out-picture in real ways in the physical world? Why can't "not struggling" be as effective as toiling long and hard? Who says life has to be hard?

Mark Nepo says it this way "...who's to say that the budding of wings from the ribs of a small bird doesn't begin with the impulse within them to live? Who's to say that the butterfly breaking through its cocoon isn't the result of its being tired of living in a tight weave of it's own making? Who's to say that the migration of flamingos from South America to Africa doesn't begin with a yearning to eat the yellow ribbon that keeps lining the horizon? And who's to say the color of passion doesn't line our faces the instant we grow tired of living in a tight cocoon of our own making?..."

What if life is only as hard as YOU make it?

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Happy Valentine's Day!

I do not fit snuggly into a world built on principles of clock time and corporeal senses alone. I may appear eccentric if I write about things like "equanimity" and "straddling eternity." But it is in the effemera I feel most hardy. My strength seems to build upon itself in the light of my spirit.

What do I do with this new found thing - this core within - which consists only of sweet air, energy and feeling? This thing that has no structure or mass, no handles to grasp, no parts to which I can point? How do I manage to live a life based from an open heart?

I am coming to know when my heart throbs and feels weighty I am tapped into this thing. This actual heaviness in my chest is confirmation for me. It lets me know "this is important." It seems my body can tell me when I am here connecting to whatever this is - my Truth.

I am building strength toward being more awake and available. I look forward to the day this is, if not an automatic response, at least a familiar one. In this way, perhaps I can then manage to live more often from this place - a place Steve Winwood calls "a higher love." In this way, I figure, then every day will be Valentine's Day. 

Wishing you a Happy Valentine's Day! 

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How To Unfold

“Raise your words, not voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder.” ~rumi

How do I unfold? Until I am able to live in the dream for my highest self, I am borrowing my Soul's heart to assist me in making decisions. To do this I am meditating more regularly, which helps me to focus. 

Focus on what you ask?

I am focusing on: the Mist that is obscuring things, the Questions I need answered, the things I demand Manifest in my life, the feeling of Gratitude I have for all that is manifested and Unconditional Trust that all is well just as it is today! 

Borrowing my Soul's heart helps me get to where I want to be. Or a better way to express it - it helps me see I am exactly where I am supposed to be, right here right now!

Ohm...

What TRICK do you use to get here?

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I'm a Pepper. You're a Pepper...

organism

[awr-guh-niz-uh m]  noun   1. a form of life composed of mutually interdependent parts that maintain various vital processes.

To be an organism in my own life; to confidently behave in my own best interest without doubt, fear or judgement; this is my NIRVANA. 

This is not a selfish aim for in being such a thing I eclipse that part of myself that gets in my own way. You know what I am talking about...that voice that, at best - hinders or delays joy and at worst - scolds, malforms or denigrates a soul's truest nature.

An organism has no such voice. It has no inner child or half-baked notions which need overcoming. It just simply moves with ease as it is meant to for the good of itself and the body in which it lives. Ahhhh...this sounds so peaceful.

Now some may think my aspiring to be an organism might leave me small, faceless and without a personality. But my read is just the opposite. If I were fortunate enough to be an organism I would be a one-of-a-kind singular and perfect expression of myself. I would know innately my place in the world. And this "knowing" would gracefully carry me forward in the direction of my own ever unfolding destiny...joyfully and triumphantly. That doesn't seem small at all, now does it?  

If ALL THIS were actually the way of things, wouldn't you like to be an organism too? 

How do you describe your NIRVANA?

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Finding your G-spot

"If you can sit quietly after difficult news (even if in financial downturns you remain perfectly calm)... If you can see your neighbors travel to fantastic places without a twinge of jealously... If you can happily eat whatever is on your plate, or fall asleep after a day of running around without a drink or a pill... If you always find contentment just where you are... You are probably a dog." ~jack kornfield

We all have ideas of what it means to be spiritual. For me it is about the exquisite equanimity of this life. Creating balance so nothing throws me too far a field is a practice. And because I am human I need the practice. When I experience one of life's many challenges I have come to know I can change things myself and I do NOT need an EXTERNAL source to do the job. In this lies power. 

I love the life I am leading and when things get a little hairy or a bit off balance I love that I can easily turn things around by actively focusing my energy on all the abundance that surrounds me, all the love that is shared with me and all the love I am able to share with others. In a word - I am GRATEFUL! 

This is my G-spot. 

This provocative phrasing is deliberately chosen to get your attention. I want you to know this is serious business - the practice of moving actual energy within and around your own physical space. It is not just platitudinous gibber jabber. Nor, by the way, is it a heavy lift.

By regularly holding conscious thoughts that reveal joy, love and grace things do shift, energies do up level and experiences do become transformed.

And this is the place that feels real good to me, the place I cultivate within myself and the place from which I enjoy intimately sharing my life with others. 

Where is your energy focused? 

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Lessons from the Farm

"…before a dream is realized, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way. It does this not because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we've learned as we've moved toward that dream." ~from The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

Perhaps everybody knows these 3 things, but they were never explained to me so viscerally or so well as they were today!

Ask and you will receive. 

Walking past Flash, the dark brown and white speckled pony who is second in line in the pecking order between Tophat and Skippy, I was not focused on him there in the side pasture. I was focused on the six slips of hay I needed to get and dispense in the back pasture on this gray blue December day. So no mind was paid to Flash and his water barrel. After getting the hay in all the right places and on my coat and fat wool knitted scarf, Flash had not budged from his barrel to go eat. I took note and fed the goats. 

Suddenly there was no question what Flash wanted to see happen. Oh so that's the reason the blue barrel is lashed twice round the fence post. Wordlessly he was knocking the thing again and again so I Iet him know I hear you, "OK, OK...I get it...must put water in the empty water barrel NOW!" Requiring confirmation he did not leave his post to get his breakfast until he saw with his own pony's eyes the barrel and hose joined and the water flowing.  Ask and you will receive. The farm taught me this. 

Make every step count. 

Watching a 60 gallon barrel become full...just watching it is a gift. Resting there with intermittent rays of sunlight noiselessly raking the pasture, the peace of that moment was unmistakably given and received. 

Looking back at Flash's barrel, I worked out the time. Not clock time. Not the time to catch a bus or to meet a date. I needed to know the best approximate interval to begin walking, walking around the goat pen past the garage through the stone gate on to the muddy patch and beyond the guinea hen's squawk to get to the pump to turn the off the water that was currently filling the bucket. 

Figuring in real time this distance and pace to walk so I can shut off the hose at that exact perfect moment the bucket is filled is my kind of fun! I love this soft squishy numberless calculus involving just woman and foot and practical physics. When I got back to the barrel it appeared I had done it. We were all filled up, Flash and me, he with his water and me with my Joy! Make every step count. The farm taught me this.

Turn it off at the source. 

Flowing water is a must around here. A hose with many junctions provides flow all over the farm. The cutting off of the flow at the source would eliminate extra work and avoid unwanted complications. Turn the water off at the source, not at a junction otherwise you will just have to do it again and again until you get it right. Turn it off at the source. The farm taught me this.

So glad I got up this am. Seems nature and the animals are full of the Truth of Life. And so grateful I am awake and studying - never know when I will be tested again!

What teaches you stuff?

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An Open Invitation

Crazy good explanation...I am so grateful for it's joyful clarity! http://omeleto.com/199433/

Turning the Corner

"...while the voice of social conditioning manifests itself as a stream of thoughts in the head, wisdom often appears as emotions or physical sensations in the body." ~martha beck

Unfoldment

Rough hune husks fall away

Making tender tendrils shown

Creeping vines and shoots gather

In a storm of awakening

I am anew

I am crossing over

I am peachy keen apple sheen and picked clean of waste and affirmative prayers

I will not shine without my own permission

I await the next unfoldment

For what do you need your own permission?

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Fallen

Fallen

I am wounded 

I am weak 

I am not alone.

Scooped up

Made warm and welcome

Earth dug deep with candles lit

Your love nourishes me.

Gracious nestling

In your family's home, 

your heart, your lives, your land.

Just now this way 

I am safe 

I can crow 

I am made stronger 

in your light.

Fly away fly away 

I am going to fly away

Destined to glide high

To soar and to make my own nest.

On the bits of love 

you placed in me.

You give my wings their wind.

~ Dedicated to all the Chapmans who keep me, nourish me and give me wings.

Who does this for you?

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So Many Passions

What does Passion mean to you? 

For the first half of my life I thought Passion was that feeling derived from sex and love. BTW this is also the time I thought sex & love were the same thing. 

Passion was that fleeting thing that waxed and waned according to life's circumstance. It conjured up images of operatic gestures and storylines about extreme choices made in sudden fits of itself.

But in more recent days I am coming to know a different kind of Passion. A more soulful call from deep within that is not sudden or fitful but gradual and steady. It calls to me when I seek it. It patiently waits on me to pick up it's trail. It is not dependent on conditions. It existed then, exists now and will always exist. This kind of uninterrupted Passion shows me the way.

Are these two branches from the same tree? Are they siblings, cousins or ancient ancestors? No I don't think so, their effects are both a call to action, but their way of doing things are so completely different.

Perhaps they overlap eachother like my younger and now older selves. Or perhaps they are companions which simultaneously inform each other like surf and shore? 

I can see conditional Passion's irregular waves roaring and breaking toward land creating an ever changing line on top of the shore. It alternates between exposing and covering up that other species of Passion, the unfluctuating one. Whether seen or unseen, unconditional Passion is like all shores everywhere - unceasingly directional, timeless and forever joining land to sea.

I love this place were the land and sea meet. I am fixed by it's constantly changing and changeless nature. It is here at the shore's edge we are able to see all the possibilities of becoming our truest selves. It is here where choice and moment meet and I become awake. 

I am grateful to be able to recognize this enduring flow of things and to periodically live in my own becoming.

How do you experience Passion?

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A Healing Effect

"For things to reveal themselves to us, we need to be ready to abandon our views about them."  ~ thich nhat hahn

Describing a feeling is never easy unless I have an acute sense of it's components. I have been living under an umbrella of grief for 23 months now so I can describe that pretty dog gone well...and I think I have. 

Over time I have developed tools, tricks and strategies to dodge, absorb and release much sorrow. But now - today and for the past several days - there is something new afoot. 

There is a freshly burning thing wanting to be revealed. It appears to be a calming answer to an earlier request. And I 'think' I am more grounded and whole because of it. Only time will tell if there is Truth here.

What seems to be building round the middle of my chest is a broad and natural heat, the likes of which one expects to find at the center of a heap of long composted garden waste. Yet this triple shredded compost is inside of me! This may sound strange but it is almost like a space has been made clear "for my husband" inside of my heart. We are connected together again in a new and profound way.

Am I receiving a gift of sorts? Or do I just have indigestion? 

It appears to be the antithesis of those irregular intense strikes of pain and loss. Yes - this feels of steadiness and comfort and love. It is as if by allowing Michael to become part of me - part of my heart - I am made more than whole.

Does any of this make any sense? How can one be more than whole? Is this kind of equation (100% + 1) even possible? The effect of being stretched beyond my current understanding is a feeling of empowerment, compassion and humility for it all.

The one familiar aspect of this new found formation within is finding myself in yet-another-transitional-place. Change has become quite normal to me. In fact it has become standard operating procedure!

As any good Buddhist will tell you, the only way to find permanent joy is by embracing the fact that nothing is permanent. And though I am not Buddhist, experience has shown me this is, ironically, the UNCHANGING Truth. 

This is all I am allowed to know at this time. When I know more I will be sure to tell you. For it is "the telling" that has become my healing. 

And I am hopeful, too, that there are healings in these writings of mine for others. For this is my task. And for this task my gratitude is unbounded.

How are you changing today?

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Perfectly Imperfect!!

Yes - it feels good to see how life is unfolding warts and all; to generate appreciation for a stubbed toe or a missed class. 

There are six pots in my second story window box and one is not getting water due to an out-of-joint drip line. So a little dry brown sprig of dead Asparagus Fern sits stiffly up in the middle of five thriving vessels brimming over with tri-colored Ivys and red Impatiens. As I drive up to my house it waves at me welcoming me home. And I smile. I smile because I know it is OK until I get around to fixing it. And honestly - I am in no hurry.

It is my flag, my banner, my reminder that within all of everything there is some ugly stuff. And knowing this - I mean knowing in the deepest part of myself - I am comforted. And in accepting this life in all of it's manifestations, for me, brings ease to flow.

I am preparing myself for the hard days ahead - when dates will mean more than usual. In celebrating imperfection I am learning to stand my ground as I willingly allow all that comes my way to surge forth. This is how I am healing myself.

You see Michael, my husband now deceased, would have been 54 near the end of July. And it will be two years since his passing sometime in August. And I will celebrate my birthday in between these luminescent dates. Right now the calendar is not looking like my friend. 

But I am finding strength in being conscious so as I encounter those things that wrench my heart sideways I can let them go and watch them pass. BTW - this does not hurt any less, but it heals more. 

In deciding to enjoy a perfectly imperfect life this summer I can happily follow my joys at the same time I am grieving great loss. Contradictory things like this are in everyday life. My experience in revealing this truth, for me, is good stuff making! 

This is why I can laugh as I look down at my freshly shaven legs today. I have left a tiny trail of hairs. a mohawk, front and center on my right shin. Just another sign "all is well" even if a bit uneven! 

So tomorrow I will get on with it. I have a few chores to do. Got a second story garden to till, one leg to shave and a whole lot of healing to do.

What's on your to do list today?

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The Joy of Obstinance

No! I don't want to! No! I will not! These are the things I say to myself when I am feeling completely obstinate. It is a feeling of standing still and strongly opposing that which is said to be important or otherwise necessary. Well I do not care what they say, I am not going to go along. I am going to make a grimace with my lips while I grit my teeth and furrow my brow! I am clinching my fists and being a big fat baby and saying, "No way, not me, not now, no how!"

Is this something bad? Let's take another look. How often are we standing strongly? How many times are we so sure - down to our marrow - about something? Isn't this kind of attitude a clue telling us something about ourselves and the way we see our world? 

What if we maintain the same kind of strong stance but unclinch our fists?

What if we stop judging it from the outside and begin to look inside and underneath the experience? 

I find by doing this then somehow the thing and I are transformed. It is becoming more true that the thing I ENJOY not doing becomes my JOY in doing of the other. In accepting my stubborn stance I see the opposing side has become my friend. It shows me the way. And then - the strangest thing of all happens - the opposing thing just dissolves - POOF - and I am left in peace.

Turning things "outside in" like this is a new habit I am forming. Leaving off JUDGMENT for OBSERVING is the  essence of this new practice. Yes, I still go thru the usual angst of being human and not liking a place or a situation. But taking a moment to become a witness and really look at a thing is "good stuff making."

Have you ever turned things around? I would be curious to hear about it.

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