A Vivacious Cycle

"Live with intention. Walk to the edge. Listen hard. Practice wellness. Play with abandon. Laugh. Choose with no regret. Appreciate your friends. Continue to learn. Do what you love. Live as if this is all there is.” ~mary anne radmacher

Sometimes I feel like I'm absurdly gifted with things nobody wants. Like, "She is really good at climbing trees and painting turtles" or "He can correctly guess the weight of your grocery bags - separately or all together!" Yet the awkward talents I possess, my own unique gifts, please me to no end.

Where does my gifted spirit best meet this corporeal world? How can I spend my limited time here on earth loving what I do and serving others as well?

My spirit meets this world at it's verges - on the edge of all boundaries where no man or women has been before. This is the spot creativity meets joy and beauty. This nexus is my place. This is where I belong.

If this is true - then how should I see those pernicious companions of mine called Sorrow and Tears? Their significance cannot be ignored or denied.

Tears are tools I am told. We use them to whittle away at the rough edges of things. They hone our sensitivities and help us reveal what is smooth, easy and true. If we pay attention, they can make clearer what is most important in our lives.

If this is true - then I am waging peace for unencumbered Beauty and Joy with ease and comfort knowing this spiritually vivacious cycle begets only more of the same. Perhaps this will be of service to someone in some way someday?

My accountability to you is lighting the candle and being the flame. I am alive in the moment. I am the placeholder for wonder.

Now... what's for breakfast?

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Deep Inside the Darkness is Light

"As long as you do not know what you are experiencing inside, you are asleep in your life, even though you may think you are very awake." ~gary zukav 

Protection has got me thinking and feeling small. Rejection is fresh and overt as I begin to date again. It is harder than I thought it would be after losing my husband to illness almost 3 years ago.

I have done the work. I have opened myself up and have reaped many rewards - brand new friendships, awesome new experiences and a boat load of new emotions & feelings. But it seems there is still more work to do. Alas as I drill down even more deeply I am finding more growing... and more pain. 

There is this idea lurking deep down inside me that no one will ever love me again the way my husband loved me. The way we loved each other. And perhaps, I have to admit, I will never love again the way I loved him.

Does this mean all my efforts so far are useless? Or am I just arrived at yet another level for potential healing? 

My experience tells me I must allow these deep feelings a voice. I acknowledged these feelings as I watched them express themselves sideways as my own self-judgement and tears. 

Reflecting on these ideas, "my truths," makes way for new beliefs to take hold. I acknowledge "these truths" may not be so true so I can cleanse myself of limiting beliefs.

And most importantly, I acknowledge these "truths" so I may move forward with love and compassion for my predicament and towards new better ways that serve my deepest desire for amazement, freedom and joy this year!

Jack Kornfield says, "Wise spiritual practice requires that we actively address the pain and conflict of our life." 

Like a spring bulb I must want to grow to break through the mud and earth toward my newly blossoming self! Just did not figure it would hurt so much...again.

What light is hidden from you by the dark?

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APRIL'S FOOL - and Every Other Month for that Matter!

“The words you speak become the house you live in.” ~Hafiz

It happened again.

I felt really small again and all my accomplishments-to-date were negated by my judgemental mind. I cannot tell you how it started. All I know is one minute I was having a great day then I felt it melt away. It wasn't a crash and burn situation. It felt more like a slow insidious termite infestation that you don't know about until your foot breaks threw the kitchen floor.

As my firm foundation crumbled my confidence morphed into doubt and 2nd guessing. THINKING these things stopped my forward motion. It was then that my THOUGHTS lasso'd my EMOTIONS. And my emotions then took over and hog-tied me but good!

Eventually I recognized it. Then I fought it

Then, after shedding some tears, I placed all this energy fully and gently in the light of my own LOVE and COMPASSION.

…and then I was large and limitless once again!


What is your bounce back strategy?

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Fallen

Fallen

I am wounded 

I am weak 

I am not alone.

Scooped up

Made warm and welcome

Earth dug deep with candles lit

Your love nourishes me.

Gracious nestling

In your family's home, 

your heart, your lives, your land.

Just now this way 

I am safe 

I can crow 

I am made stronger 

in your light.

Fly away fly away 

I am going to fly away

Destined to glide high

To soar and to make my own nest.

On the bits of love 

you placed in me.

You give my wings their wind.

~ Dedicated to all the Chapmans who keep me, nourish me and give me wings.

Who does this for you?

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Happiness is a Choice

"Happiness can be cultivated" says Shawn Achor, author of Before Happiness. He calls it Happiness Hygiene and says it is as essential to living as brushing our teeth and eating right. Here are 5 Two Minute Happiness Drills which Achor's research has proven to actually have the power to make us happier people. His work challenges us to do one or more of these drills for 21 days in order to experience the real difference for ourselves.

Shawn says these practical changes in our behavior are happiness building blocks. These practices allow us to see more meaning in our lives thus increasing our happiness. Which in turn creates an experience of deeper and more enduring joy... for ourselves and others. That's right, Shawn says as we care for our own Happiness Hygiene there exists the real possibility it will spread to those around us.

So here are the 5 Two Minute Happiness Drills that may change the world! Or just make you smile more often. Either way - this is "good stuff making!"

1. SAY ALOUD three NEW gratitudes when you awake each morning.

2. MOVE your body in fun mindful cardio activity - OK this one wants about 10 - 15 minutes!

3. SIT in stillness or meditate - quietly watching your breath for 2 minutes does count!

4. SEND A THANK YOU note, email, or call to someone you know.

5. WRITE a detailed recollection of a happy moment from last 24 hours for just 2 minutes.

If you are like me --- looking at implementing yet another regular routine can feel daunting.  Well suck this one up & GET HAPPY DAMN IT! It is only two minutes... and we need you on our team! 

Too rough?

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Heartbreak

"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option." ~Mark Twain

It is real - the root of the thing. 

But is made distant by

the everything else.

I am creative and powerful

Yet I cannot shun the weight of it

It is cornered - me and it together

Win some, lose some

Be careful what you wish for

It cannot be you 

It can never be you

It can only be the Truth

Not enough chocolate in the world...

Emotions are like Black & White Cookies

Have you ever had a Black and White cookie? It is the official baked good of Manhattan and perhaps some places in New Jersey as well. It is a soft cake-like cookie the size of a newborn's head. On top it is iced with both a chocolate and vanilla icing and has a striking hard edged line down the middle where the two icings meet. And I just LOVE them!

When you get one in your hand you get to choose how you are going to attack it. You get to have a bite of the chocolate and then the vanilla. Or you can eat all one side then the other. Or perhaps your desire is for balance and take your first bite right down the middle. It is a fun dessert that offers joy no matter how you receive the cookie into your mouth. Both the dark and light parts.

If we could only experience our emotions this way.

My emotions tell me how things are. But they are not the tellers of the whole truth. They are simply our good messengers. I have come to know when I am able to welcome ANY emotion this way, I am able to feel it and be witness to it at the same time. In the past I suffered from confusion - thinking I WAS my emotions. I think this is because we feel our emotions throughout our bodies. This uber proximity is what got me confused!

Now I think of emotions as electrical charges. They are ignited to show me something. And they naturally run their course then go away. When I allow it, I can open up and look underneath my emotion. This way l can know myself better. And when I know myself better the rest of IT ALL falls into place with ease. Of this I am sure…I am the cake and emotions are the icing!

The dark part. I know I am wounded and healing is underway. The healing takes the form of feeling all sorts of anointed pangs again and again and again. OK... this is a fancy way of saying PAIN... I know. But when I reframe these things I feel as divine, sanctified or blessed it helps me move away from "Damn it - not again!" towards "I wonder what this is trying to tell me?" I am reframing things to survive. I am awash in tears right now. They are the realist of real. I let them flow and wonder what these tears, today - right now- are telling me?

The light part. Love is real too. It is eternal. This is how I am able to take the rest of it all in. Just wish I had a person here with me now to share all this love. THIS is what pains me today. Not in a needy way, but in an exploring way. There are always folks with whom we can share love. A bounty of souls in fact. But having that one, that intimate someone, is a special gift. Can I reframe this circumstance of yearning to acknowledge I am full of love and these tears are calling me out to open my heart even further? Yep, I can!

I wonder how open a heart can get?

How graciously my cookie crumbs have lead me toward this most wonderful question and toward a way to take action. Using Loving Kindness Meditation is a practical approach to a more open heart.

Also called Metta Meditation, practicing Loving Kindness increases positive mind states such as patience, kindness, compassion and acceptance towards yourself and others. Practicing Loving Kindness reduces negative chemicals (cortisol) in our brain and increase oxytocin which can further improve our ability to love and be loved.

Traditional Loving Kindness Meditation goes something like this...

Perhaps centering yourself by making the breath the focus of your attention and then feeling the breath moving and the body sitting.

And when you are ready, bringing to mind someone that it is easy to feel loving kindness towards. An easy, simple relationship may be best. Allowing yourself to hold them in your awareness perhaps seeing them in your mind’s eye or perhaps feeling a sense of them in your heart, can you feel a sense of loving kindness towards them?

As you hold them in your awareness, begin to send wishes of loving kindness to them. Silently repeat these phrases:

May you be safe
May you be happy
May you be healthy
May you live with ease

Now lets switch it up! Gaining a sense of your self, and cradling the sense of yourself in your awareness repeat these words silently to your own sense of self:

May I be safe
May I be happy
May I be healthy
May I live with ease

If it seems artificial and stilted to say such things to yourself, for yourself, maybe you’re not feeling loving kindness in this moment - and that’s OK. Whatever you’re feeling, you can hold the intention of loving kindness... offering it from wherever you are... however you are now ...

Is it time to experiment? Or would you rather just go get a cookie? Either way - Joy awaits!

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Tell Me Everything will be OK

A deer chose my house this week. He found a soft pile of leaves on the protected side of the yard, a refuge in the tightly bound space between two fences and my house. There was a complete break. I saw the bone to his back left hoof jutting out from his leg. The pain must have been immense. The struggle must have been bloody and hard. The instinct must have been great to seek shelter and repose. A deer chose my house to lay down by and die. 

I hope my house was his sanctuary. I hope the deer found some peace from his pain in this harborage protected by love and law. My house is a sanctuary for me. I too have lain down curled up by pain to just be. I have lain down and bled tears until I, or the pain, subsided. Yes this is how the deer must have felt as he chose my house to lay down by, but not die.

Tell me there is purpose to enduring this rough and raw spillage sifting through us. Right thinking and meditation and reading and listening to music and painting and crying and writing these and many other words are powerful tools for healing. But nothing replaces another soul vibrating beside you, holding your head and stroking your face.  

I am so sorry I was not there to tell the deer...

   "Everything will be OK."

    "All is well."

    "The first cut is the deepest."

    "Come away with me and I will ease your pain."

    "Your way of being is in tune with all things."

    "I love you."

Tell me everything will be OK...



Can we really ease the pain of another? 

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Happy Holidays?

The holidays are a time that gets lots of traffic at the Feeling Depot. When you are grieving it feels like there is a train that leaves every hour. I am working very hard to not leave the station and just let the trains come and go as they must. Keeping grounded this way moves things about inside me in a very good way. 

Don't get me wrong, it is hard and painful work, but letting my emotions move through me without going for a ride is extremely satisfying. It is truly worth all the angst and the tears. I am sure I am making room for more love in my life.

Insights and opportunities are abundant as I stay put, mindfully seated in Grand Central Station. These are the rich rewards for keeping inwardly focused and not allowing myself to be carried away.

"All Aboard!" There's that horrible man again as another train is about to leave the station. I am tempted to board, but choose to stay centered. I feel it leave without me. Oh yes - that feels great. It is gone and I-am-still-here. Yum!

Why do I stay at the station? Why don't I go venture beyond the Feeling Depot? Not sure yet. Perhaps I have lots to learn here, right where I am. 

This is not a small thing. Let me say it again… "there are many things to learn right here where I am." Recognizing this - my place - and my part in it is a gift. This is my Peace.

Where do you find Peace this holiday season?

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Dissolving the Ego

Dissolving the Ego is like selling the first car you ever owned. You are attached to it. You have depended on it to take you places since... forever  It is how you move around, get attention, how you are able to carry all that stuff around with you wherever you go. How could you ever manage without it?

Like a car, we need an Ego - right?  Right, but how often do we let the car drive us? And say you did want to dissolve the only mode of being you have ever known? How does one even approach such a thing?

I observed my ego causing trouble recently. The commotion began when my mind was left free to toddle and sway. Thoughts slid unconsciously following one another down hill and leaping into the ocean of unformed possibility. This is where things got stirred up! It was during a form of meditation called Visioning that I clearly recognized my  "not so good feelings" are NOT me. They are the result of my ego instinctively directing traffic right off a cliff.

During this visioning short waves of sorrow began to surface. Silent and sporadic tears made this a moist meditation.  I became super aware of the slow rolling tear as it flattened itself on my cheek. Then I felt itself rounding again past the chin area where it dripped off to points unknown. This unsettled feeling showed up in the form of sorrow & tears, but it could have just as easily been a quick and sharp painful feeling of despair or a familiar wisp of old and smelly "you are not good enough" thought.

Part of visioning is asking questions and mindfully listening to the answers. Last night, when I asked to let go of something that no longer served me. "EGO" shot into the middle of my awareness. And in that moment of making a conscious choice to let go of ego the waterworks halted. Simultaneously!  It felt like my server had just cleared my plate of yucky vegetables from the table and asked, "Who's ready for dessert?" I literally "felt" the sorrow dissolve into nothingness. And then this realization melted into glee.

I didn't expect this result. I had no expectations at all. It caught me by surprise and pleased me so much.This is the great thing about observing a practice. Sometimes it leads you down favorable roads you never new existed! 

So Mr. Ego, look out. If I can do it once, I can do it again. Practice makes perfect. Don't make me turn this car around!!!

What is your practice?


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A Simple Primer for Visioning

During your regular mediation practice, make a point to have a journal and a pencil near by. Ask these four questions, one at a time. Spend a few minutes listening, without reaching or straining, for any answers that may bloom within your awareness. Take a moment to write down anything significant or insignificant. Do this for each question. You can then conclude by giving thanks if you like.

What is the highest vision for my life?

What must I become in consciousness for this vision to fulfill itself?

What must I release to be open for this vision to emerge?

Is there anything else I am to embrace in this moment?