Summoning What Really Matters

Okay, let's take a moment and use all our powers of imagination. Let's pretend for the next 10 minutes. Let's crank up our happiness quotient as if we are children making things up just to try things on and see how they feel… just for the fun of it.

Are you there with me? Is your sense of wonder and excitement palpable? Is your heart racing fast like mine is? Okay - now in this creative feast of a moment pretend your wildest dream has just come true! 

...hey what just happened? 

My imagination just totally shutdown. And my excitement just dropped off a cliff. I had no idea how hard this was until I actually tried it. Turns out imagining as attained your most amazing hoped for outcome in a pretend moment of exaltation is r-e-a-l-l-y scary! To hold space for this kind of completeness, I must confess, is way passed my abilities right now. 

Maybe I need to work up to this "imagination challenge" by first pretending I just read a great book in which the hero made it through some horrible gauntlet and then finally achieved her heart's desire. Perhaps right now that is the best I can do - see my dream as happening to somebody else who is not only NOT ME, but NOT EVEN REAL!
Oh but…

...wouldn't it be grand to feel the way the hero feels - to feel the foggy giddiness of pure joy that eclipses all other joys? To allow my body to fall back in a beautiful crush of surrender and elation knowing nothing else mattered and I could die happy knowing that I have missed out on NOTHING. Wouldn't it feel fabulous to have finally got that which my soul has been demanding for so so long!

Yes, yes, yes, I feel it now. It feels warm in the middle of my chest. It feels like vast and never ending pink and green BLISS.

Hey! I did it! I imagined it!

I guess the trick is to let go of the mind's particulars, the never ending detailed plans, and just work our imagination muscle long and hard enough until our thoughts find their way to (or from) our hearts.

Feeling blissful emotions creates electrical charges you know. Whether these charges arise organically from a reaction to real world circumstance or whether they are actively summoned from a deep well of conscious imagination the energy is exactly the same. 

This is the energy that manifests desire into form. This fundamental understanding is the driver that churns dreams into reality. If this is new information you may find it difficult at first to believe, but it does get easier with practice. And I am convinced if we can begin a practice of dreaming and freely feeling our dreams, the rest will take care of itself.

Experiment and see. Summon your child-like self again. It will be fun, I promise.


What have you got to lose?
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Deep Inside the Darkness is Light

"As long as you do not know what you are experiencing inside, you are asleep in your life, even though you may think you are very awake." ~gary zukav 

Protection has got me thinking and feeling small. Rejection is fresh and overt as I begin to date again. It is harder than I thought it would be after losing my husband to illness almost 3 years ago.

I have done the work. I have opened myself up and have reaped many rewards - brand new friendships, awesome new experiences and a boat load of new emotions & feelings. But it seems there is still more work to do. Alas as I drill down even more deeply I am finding more growing... and more pain. 

There is this idea lurking deep down inside me that no one will ever love me again the way my husband loved me. The way we loved each other. And perhaps, I have to admit, I will never love again the way I loved him.

Does this mean all my efforts so far are useless? Or am I just arrived at yet another level for potential healing? 

My experience tells me I must allow these deep feelings a voice. I acknowledged these feelings as I watched them express themselves sideways as my own self-judgement and tears. 

Reflecting on these ideas, "my truths," makes way for new beliefs to take hold. I acknowledge "these truths" may not be so true so I can cleanse myself of limiting beliefs.

And most importantly, I acknowledge these "truths" so I may move forward with love and compassion for my predicament and towards new better ways that serve my deepest desire for amazement, freedom and joy this year!

Jack Kornfield says, "Wise spiritual practice requires that we actively address the pain and conflict of our life." 

Like a spring bulb I must want to grow to break through the mud and earth toward my newly blossoming self! Just did not figure it would hurt so much...again.

What light is hidden from you by the dark?

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We Are All Veterans

"When the Indian saint Ramakrishna was asked why there is evil in the world, he answered, “To thicken the plot.” These very plot thickeners, often the most difficult and insistent ones, can lead us to open our bodies, hearts, and minds." 

~ from A Path with Heart by Jack Kornfield

We are all veterans. We all have some powerfully painful experience we have survived. We are here to survive our experiences and grow from them. 

It is just the way it is.

And the best part of this, for me, is to be a veteran means the experience of struggle is past and now I can move on! The realization that the battle is over and that I have survived is so joyous for me! I am free to look forward toward whatever is next…knowing more than I did before and confidently knowing I can take it! 

What struggle can you triumphantly now put behind you?

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Clarity: A Master Class

"What you are, and who you are should provide greater clarity about where you have been and where you are headed. Although one distinguishes spiritual from physical nature, the ultimate unification of the two is the consequence of the struggle for internal, external and eternal – peace." ~t.f. hodge

Clarity really messes up everything I already know to be true! Is it bad when you are shown the way and you just keep walking -  like it never happened? Clarity looms close. I can feel it. It is lurking in the shadows waiting for me to know some more damn Truth.

30 years ago I was living a life that came spontaneously like waves - ahhh youth!  My conscious efforts were spent writing and performing comedy and assisting the universe in finding me a mate. Almost 23 years ago I married Mike. 2 1/2 years ago Mike died.

Since then I have been actively rebuilding my life. It is a strange and hard task which requires much energy. Clarity has asked me to allow every feeling that comes up to be felt then flushed through my delicate system. OK… so it is an intensely robust system I have… but it hurts bunches just the same.

Well - I did it. And I did it well! Circumstances have been unfolding just fine with joy, grace and ease. But lately, this last week, I am crying a lot. I know this is Clarity stalking me again!

Yep - I am shedding what is left of my past life with Mike. I am getting the message I cannot go any farther without doing this. It seems these tears come from an extremely vast reservoir the size of which I will NEVER comprehend.

I thought I had let go already. I guess letting go in your thoughts and deeds is just not the same as letting go in the deepest part of your heart - that thing that is just now cracking wide open - again. 

So I find myself accepting - again - this weepy invitation to feel! And it hurts. But I know, from this, I will grow. 

Damn you, Clarity!

How do you process pain?

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No Need for Struggle

"Don't keep pushing against closed doors. Look around for the open ones." ~ sanyana roman

Every now and then I get caught up in wanting a thing that may not be mine. I feel owed it. Or I need it. Or I just would like to have it because I briefly enjoyed it...so it must be mine.

For me, "being caught" is an indication I have stepped out of the flow of things and have begun a familiar dance of dragging myself against my better interest or anchoring myself when I could be happily moving along. Feelings of powerlessness show up as a life circumstance becomes harder than it has to be. And in the end - after some misbegotten actions or emotions - I get that it was never meant to be mine or perhaps there is a better way to do something.

I wonder why this happens? How come I retrace these steps now and then? 

It seems as if the wanted thing is the least of my concerns. I am coming to realize it is the unlearned lesson "to let go" that I am really after.

Do not get me wrong...struggle to achieve a goal is a good and mighty thing. It cultivates patience, trust, confidence, focus and concentration. But there are a myriad of ways to achieve and knowing that in the deeps of my soul is very liberating.

So I am learning to pay attention. And if it feels like I am being dragged down away from Joy... I stop. I reconsider my options all the while keeping my same goal in mind. It is having this kind of flexibility that eases my way forward. 

There really are endless ways to get there and still stay on your own path! And if you are lucky...and open... some of them may even surprise you!

Do you find flexibility to be one of your go to assets?

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Love Beyond Measure

"For I have learned that every

heart will get

What it prays for

Most " - hafiz

How much Love can you take? 

Let's talk volume here. Is it enough? Is it too much? Can you take just a little more? And just a little more again? Why is there a set amount that is allowed? Does it burn to feel the unbounded vastness of Love's light? Is it possible to conceive of this much Love being at your disposal?

Is a little trickle thru a tiny fissure in the granite of a great stone gorge all you can abide at this time? Any fissure can become a crack. And any crack can break wide open...if you let it.

What about a gusher? What about a geyser? What about an tidal wave? Now we are talking about more than just volume. We are adding velocity. It is too much, too fast! Make it stop - all this Love! It hurts too much!

Let's just stop this all together! Let's just stop this "stopping Love." Let's just let it flow and feel it however it arrives, accept it no matter what it looks like, who brings it, or how fast (or slowly) it comes. 

Make welcome Love. Make welcome Love. Make welcome Love.

This is my prayer.

What does your heart pray for?

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Fallen

Fallen

I am wounded 

I am weak 

I am not alone.

Scooped up

Made warm and welcome

Earth dug deep with candles lit

Your love nourishes me.

Gracious nestling

In your family's home, 

your heart, your lives, your land.

Just now this way 

I am safe 

I can crow 

I am made stronger 

in your light.

Fly away fly away 

I am going to fly away

Destined to glide high

To soar and to make my own nest.

On the bits of love 

you placed in me.

You give my wings their wind.

~ Dedicated to all the Chapmans who keep me, nourish me and give me wings.

Who does this for you?

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Hurdles - Present and Past

I have a thirsty fish in me
that can never find enough 
of what it's thirsty for!
~ Rumi

This was my father. 

He passed away 5 days ago. He was 75 and I loved him very much and I know he loved me.

And even though I have 2 years experience in the grief department and because I have this much experience in the grief department I am aware this means almost nothing. 

Grieving is a slippery character that creeps up unexpectedly and in a surprisingly different number of ways! So part of me is OK, part of me is on guard and cautious, part of me is angry at the timing and part of me hurts. And in this order... I think.

Unlike with my husband Michael's death, with whom I had a much more intimate relationship, my father's passing feels OK-er. We lived hundreds of miles apart for the majority of my life and I have not depended on him for anything since I was a teen. There was this distance both geographically and emotionally so I admit I might not be having strong feelings at the moment. But I suspect there will be 'karmic' repercussions that must be felt.

And unlike Michael, my father's death is more in keeping with natural expectations. He lead a life full of invention and inspiration and that life in him had begun to wane. For this reason I feel his soul may actually be in a good - or perhaps even a better place - with more flexibility and possibilities for growth. I am assuming our souls are continually learning.

Just working on the timing of this thing in regards to my own healing. I had just gotten back in the saddle, was on the horse and was learning how to trot. And while trotting I could SEE myself cantering and I was joyously anticipating some galloping soon!

Then this - a new hurdle - so I must readjust.

Now I am working on accepting what is and allowing it to unfold as it must. Its gonna do it anyway. I just have to get comfortable, hang on to the reins and go for it. 

Go up and over
     and thus continue forward 
          no matter what
     on this
my new path.

I just love a good metaphor - don't you?

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Pumpkin Bread

He loved Pumpkin Bread. He loved a lot of specific things. He knew what he liked because after much living and much thinking about living he made a point to extract the wheat from the chaff. He knew by practical experimentation which things worked best and he held tight to those things. 

So I always knew what to expect. I always knew where things stood for him and with us. And even though, at the time, it was occasionally frustrating - his certainty, his precision, his discipline - there was an awful lot of comfort in his smart, steady and well reasoned ways.

Now, since his death, my husband's quirky and concrete preferences are landmarks in time. So often, when I come across "the right hanger" or I again "hang the towels his way" in the bathroom so they dry fast and well, I smile. But sometimes these things, like this speciality bread at the beginning of Fall, break-my-heart-all-over-again. 

No sense in avoiding it, so I just let it come. Once Iit, it races up from my heart straight out my eyes like how brush fires hop fences in a robust wind. I think about how I have no napkins to wipe my tears here in the cafe. And how I should have some sunglasses to hide my swollen eyes. 

Thoughts act as a break dousing the thing. The more I think the more things improve.

I have lots to do today and lots to look forward to. Lots of new beginnings and exciting changes going on! And just as I know every moment is sacred, I also know this moment will pass. Some new thing will happen and this event too will become the past.

Fire now out, smoke and char remain. But I keep it together. And I move on…

Have you tasted the Pumpkin Bread at La Farm French Bakery? Oh you must, it is sooooo delicious! 

Why can't we live fully with joy - no matter what?

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The Hard Work of Feeling

"...establish that role to be a listener to the mystery…" 

~ ram dass

I have been caught again by my own tear ducts. They have felt the need to do what they do and I have to decide if I want to let them do it. 

Not fully appreciating that in letting them have their way I would be better off - I silently and completely undermine them. I watch TV to become numb. I stay awake way into the early morning hours to strain my body making 'feeling anything' nearly impossible. I eat way past the time of fullness. This physical discomfort distracts me too from feeling "other" things.

"That is strange" I hear myself saying, "how am I still generating such mythic stores of pain?" I am so surprised - with all my new found depth and awareness - that I am still playing this game of hide and seek. "Why whatever do you mean? No! I am so much better now beacuse so many days have passed since my husband died." 

It just boggles my mind. But my soul knows.

It knows this new found depth of mine is a carving out of sorts. And it is this "carving out" that is painful. 

It knows I am still surprised because I have no earthly idea how truly deep this shit really goes. There is no precedent for it. My limited awareness cannot conceive of this kind of vastness. 

It knows this is the uncomfortable mystery. And in order to transform it I must work hard to establish my role as a listener to it. Yet I still resist. 

I resist because it hurts. I resist because I am human. I resist because I am tired. And I resist because I would be crazy to "want" to have the experience of such a deep wound - yet again.

Carrying around this ticking time bomb of grief is not something you get used to. But my new found awareness tells me to again make it welcome. Actually I am not sure what else you can to do with it...other than create space in your day to just feel it. 

Just feel it.  Hey - I'm a Nike commercial for mental health! 

Just feel it. 

Eventually I do just feel it. And it hurts - just like it did before. And it goes away - just like it did before. And I forget about it for a while - just like I did before. Then it comes back - just like it did before. 

Just feel it. 

This is the hardest work I have ever done.

What hard work are you avoiding?

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Rinse and Repeat

"The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift…" 

~ Albert Einstein

Knowing this I ask again --- what does it feel like to receive unconditional love? 

Now without labeling, without using words or employing images - or memory even - can you summon up the feeling? Can you use your subtler senses to bask in It's immensity? 

Mmm mmm good! 

Now - as most shampoo bottles instruct - rinse and repeat. Rinse off the conditions in which you find yourself and stretch yourself to repeat feeling this feeling once daily.

It would be monumental if we could daily attend to our emotional and intuitive hygiene in this way. Taking a moment each day of our lives to rinse and repeat might allow our day (and thus our lives) to unfold more favorably. 

This is the manner in which I am living today. I am stretching myself beyond what is, letting go of business as usual and allowing what serves best to unfold before me. It is scary. It is uncomfortable. I have much less control, but I know that by attending to my emotional hygiene there is a much richer chance I might evolve toward a greater vision for my life than I can currently conceive.

Got any questions? Me too - loads. But gonna set them aside to feel my way forward today?

Could you let go - even just a little today - to make room for new possibilities?

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The Bigger Picture May Be Hard to Swallow

"It’s like Mahatma Gandhi gets put in jail and they give him a lice-infested uniform and tell him to clean the latrines, and it’s a whole mess. And he walks up to the head of the guards and he says, in total truth, “Thank you.” He’s not putting them on or up-leveling them. He’s saying, “There’s a teaching here, and I’m getting it; thank you.” ~ ram dass

I have come to know that in most cases the experience I am having at any given moment is just one piece of it All. And I also know I will never fully understand the entire nature of how and why different things manifest into and out of my life. Knowing this is the cornerstone of Unconditional Trust. I hope you won't find this hard to swallow.

What is the relationship between Unconditional Trust and Gratitude?

To become aware that all is well no matter your present circumstance is to experience Unconditional Trust. Actively living Unconditional Trust frees up thoughts and feelings from fear and lack and doubt and let's them soar toward compassion, wonder and new possibilities.

Having experienced loss on a grand scale (the death of my husband) and now more recently in several much smaller ways - a broken necklace, a busted computer, and the real loss of a job - I see there has been a shift. In the past my response to the sudden upsetting of my apple cart was sadness, anger or fear of future or failure. Within this new paradigm my response is that of the witness. I am more reflective. 

I catch myself before things get too far gone. I stop and question the truth of the thing. I look for real places where I can be grateful as life conspires to grow me up. And the best thing is the more I shepard myself toward this new knowing the more automatic it becomes. 

One by one I consciously wash away these reflexive emotionally charged situations and replace them with gratitude. Some may see this as giving up or giving in.  I am not giving up, I am getting on with it! This is an acceptance of what is and an active form of compassion for myself and all others. 

Conditions I see in front of me are only one piece of it. I experience Peace knowing this. So what is the relationship between Unconditional Trust and Gratitude? 

I think they are the same thing...

What do you think?

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The Rush of Simple Pleasure

I felt there again. It was so sweet, that connection to one's I love. We had dinner, my dear friends and I. We discussed all sorts of real and true things about our daily lives, but nothing heavy, nothing too deep. Just regular sharing and regular joy. 

Their, now 2, baby's care came first as we juggled conversation with eating and with all other things. We were together in my home feeling...good. 

The keel is evening out as this is the life I picture for myself. Loving people sharing a lovely time. Closeness and warmth - no dramas, no tears for a change. 

Just the pleasantness of good food, your company and me. I am steeped in gratitude for awareness of this simple pleasure.

What makes up a simple pleasure for you?

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Homecoming & My Practice

I just got back from a delightful trip to Baltimore. And after four straight days of loving, embracing and renewing connections with family and friends I dearly cherish and being equally embraced and loved by them - I am having a tough time being at home again. 

A vast difference has been shown to me and it is causing this feeling of über darkness. I feel weakened and wounded and completely undone... again!

These folks from my hood know me so well, have my best interest at heart and accept me just as I am. Among them I feel myself and sooooo connected again. Visiting with them reminds me how much I miss having *special & deep* connections in my daily life.

This morning when I awoke, this evening when I left work and right now --- relentless and giant waves of tears are showing up. And even though I know I am graciously supported at all times and in all ways, I am unable to stop them. It is during times like these I am reminded that "being conscious" does not mean everything will always be rosy.   

Showering and getting ready for work this morning I made a choice - I had to - so I could function. I chose to know I am completely supported and I am always graciously provided with everything I need. By shifting my consciousness to this awareness I was able to get on with my day. 

Now at home - alone - I can let these tears fly accepting them and praying the pain that accompanies them will be moved along like loitering kids off a dimly lit street corner. "Go home you trouble makers!" Find a space that brings you comfort and rest there a while. 

If I can only find what false beliefs are back of these tears then I can burn them off and with them a harmful piece of me. Then I can rest. Then I can emerge better than before. 

So my plan is to allow this latest grief tsunami to explode and dissipate while I simultaneously practice knowing "all is well." And I really need to practice cuz I am in the depths here tonite. This is a very heavy lift right now. Writing about it and doing it are two entirely different matters...here I go!

What do you do when things get really rough?

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A Call to the Universe

So I am having fun and they all say, "Just follow your passions and life will find you!" But I still have that longing, that requirement to be intimately engaged with one other person. To be joyfully entwined with them and all their interesting foibles and have them lovingly entwined with me and all my curious faults.

Why do I want to be peas to some one's carrots? 

Because I know there is soooooo much joy and laughter in this kind of sharing and caring for another. Yes, there will be challenges too, but for the personality that I am, there is nothing in this life that beats this kind of experience. And I want more of it. I want lightning to strike twice. I want a correction made in my path that allows this intimate experience to come directly to me. Do not pass go. Do no collect 200 dollars.

I also know this is how we grow. I know perceived foibles of the other leads us toward discovering our own truths. Yes - although our perceived faults may at times be spot on, they are more often than not guideposts toward something needing recognition within ourselves.

And I know that even when the object of this relationship departs, the Love shared remains forever. This I know for sure.

So it is this kind of circumstance I long for... dare I say it... a love relationship. There are just so many opportunities for such a variety of adventures on a daily basis! Doesn't this excite you?  Well, perhaps it doesn't you, but for me it is pure heaven.

The puzzle of loving someone has an unlimited number of pieces. And I am ready to spread them out on the table and slowly and carefully discover life's biggest picture together. Ah yes, please bring my spiritual partner to me so we can pick up the pieces together.

Of course, the alternative to this kind of experience is to just continue to follow my own passions & have loads of fun. Now these are two very good choices I can get behind! No rocks. No hard places. Just life naturally unfolding with ease, along with Spring, allowing both the sun and the rain to grow me up! 

Have you a longing that needs a more refined definition?

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Joy Springs Up in Unexpected Places

Do you know the sound the cartoon dog makes when he shoots his head straight up and suddenly becomes aware of something? And his warm, sweet and goofy awareness changes everything and comically moves the story forward?

Well - I am making that sound - dumb lovable feisty me. I am suddenly aware that I am very open to allowing a loving universe help me resolve my challenges in surprising ways!

Tears don't just come for no reason. There is something that pushes them out. I know I am still grieving, but I am having a hard time thinking grief is the only reason I am crying right now. Is it because I am experiencing glimpses of loving again in a new way? An all inclusive vulnerable way that feels safe somehow because "with Love all things are possible." Kinda feels a little profound-ish, but YES, this is exactly it!

I know this is accurate because the convulsion of painful emotion stopped once I chose to see the truth beneath the tears. Wow - that was cool! (You get this way, this sensitivity, by having cried a lot - by the way.)

I used to share my Love with just my hubby - but know it seems I am cultivating a new experience of Love. It feels alien and very familiar at the same time. I am being lovable, loving and loved with, to and by everyone!

I wonder what this all means? I wonder if this miraculous life of mine is finally blooming right here in late February like the unexpected daffodils in my backyard? These silly flowers are in the wrong place. They have blossomed in the center of a new path I installed last year. But they are bright spots of yellow in an otherwise dreary winter scape just the same. They speak to me about unexpected joy.

Frankly, I will take what I can get. I have had a very tough year and a half. "Hey Universe, Thank You. And let's get ready to R - U - M - B - L - E !" Bring on your multiplicity of synchronistic & unexpected miracles! I am ready to be amazed and happy again! I am willing to enjoy Joy wherever it shows up on MY new path.

Are you willing to just allow Joy?

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Resistance

 

Lots of pain and lots of tears and lots of strategies employed to get through a rough patch. I am so weary of revisiting these dark places. But by claiming and naming them, by the simple passage of time, and with help from those who care about me - I am slowly coming back from this episode to a life I prefer to live. One of joy, peace, love, and laughter. 

Sumo Wrestlers, that's what I saw when I asked to see behind my pain this time. A small circular battlefield confined this fight between two powerful forces, each agreeing to resist the other. This was me against myself, refusing to give in to 'what is' and pushing against reality with all my might.

I must step aside. 

Instantly I knew by stepping aside the natural FLOW of things would be restored, the tiny battlefield would have the opportunity to once again become an unbounded playing field and I would begin to feel better. 

And so I have been working hard to maintain this stance of non-resistance. Yes, I know I have done this before, but I guess I am not done learning. It is not so easy for a strong willed woman such as myself to let go. And this lesson, like most of the important ones, has many levels to it.

Today I am a follower - a truth seeking giver of nurturing love. I am awake doing just what is in front of me and letting energy FLOW freely through me once again. 

Wonder how long this will last? No matter - there is only NOW to be concerned with anyway. This is the universal recipe for success of any kind!

"Unwanted Wisdom" that's what some call the stuff we get from painful life experiences. Really is true you know. The truth is we do not get to choose everything that happens to us. But we do get to choose how we react to what happens to us.

Are there things you have to keep learning and relearning?

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