Heartbreak

"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option." ~Mark Twain

It is real - the root of the thing. 

But is made distant by

the everything else.

I am creative and powerful

Yet I cannot shun the weight of it

It is cornered - me and it together

Win some, lose some

Be careful what you wish for

It cannot be you 

It can never be you

It can only be the Truth

Not enough chocolate in the world...

2013 Grief Olympics

Here is a recount made last year to a friend about things as they were unfolding for me then. Remembering where I was gives me clarity on how far I have come!

"I made it past 3 of the 4 challenging events - Mike's B-Day, my B-Day and the fact that my B-Day was such a milestone - I am 50 years old on Aug 3.

The retreat, which my sister insisted I attend with her, was a great place to be during this highly charged time. A friend of mine from HS drove down from SF and took me to Pebble Beach for a birthday dinner celebration. We drove through Carmel first where he insisted on getting me a birthday gift ( some sandals). And then we stopped by the place where he had deposited his fathers ashes years earlier. On the last night of the retreat a dance was held. There I danced like I haven't danced in years. It was unforgettable...the way I turned 50! And so unexpected as well.

BTW - retreat was at Asilomar Lodge in Pacific Grove CA. There lots of nice people gathered to do workshops and have a great time otherwise. Not stuffy ideologues, but wide open folks wishing everyone find their own path their own way.

So had a great time and am now preparing for final summer challenge in Lani's Grief Olympics - taking Mike's ashes to beach exactly 1 year after his death. I will have loads of family support and we will make it happen.

I had an urn made by a potter friend of mine. Mike loved the color yellow. I put his ashes in it this evening. It is all so surreal...One minute I am up and next I am curled up in a weeping ball. Just keepin' it together these days is all I can manage. I am so grateful for every one's giving-ness of their time and their attention."

Do you have a way to gage your here & now wonderfulness?

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I Love You Universe!

I am having a real tough realization today. It is rather embarrassing and I feel really raw but the TRUTH does that to us - doesn't it?!

Found out last nite that 'my crush' has happily found a sweetheart of his own. He has never responded to me in any way other than as a caring and casual friend. But I have always held out hope for more ---- eventually.  

And having been consistently infatuated with the idea of us becoming spiritual partners, I have found a way to stave off the reality that I am truly on my own with no one to care about me like my husband used to. (Our song "What a Wonderful World" is playing on the radio right now so I figure my hubby is with me right now as these lessons wash over me!) With my fantasy busted I feel the loss of a very REAL protective device. OUCH - OUCH! What's a little more pain? I have been in pain since Michael died... more or less.

Plus this news has walloped me right in the TRUTH department! It reveals the difference between "what I say" and "what is really going on" inside the deepest part of myself. Another TRUTH is my crush has always been a "passive" teacher for me. For this I am grateful. I really do love him for that!

And, if I look very closely, there is good news afoot...

~ I am stronger.
I have been aware since the very beginning these feelings I have for my crush are a BIG DISTRACTION. And even though all the signs have always pointed me in this direction, I have clung to this fantasy and refused to let it go. At the same time focusing on this affair rather than on myself, my healing and my journey has allowed me some measure of comfort when I needed it. So I guess the universe figures I am stronger now and can handle the truth.

~ I am whole, perfect and complete.
Having my fantasy withdrawn in this real way exposes that place inside me that says "you are small and unloved and NOT intrinsically worthy." So now that I have unearthed this shadow, I am committed to pulling this weed out of my soul garden so I may heal in a more deeper way. I have actually been asking to reveal that place within that is whole complete and perfect so I can see what it feels like to create from here rather than from a place of hunger and lack. Be careful what you ask for ladies and gentlemen!

~ I am awake.
I have become so aware of my emotions, that I actually felt the difference between a "HURT EGO" and a "SOUL PAIN" Losing my husband is a SOUL PAIN that will always be with me. My crush's natural preference for other than me feels less dense but no less sharp. And I am confident, though it does really hurt now, it will heal quickly. I am so grateful for this knowing and it's valuable lessons. This episode has shown me I am more internally aware than I have ever been before.

~ I am capable of Big Love
Lastly, I am so happy that a man I love is being loved and feeling loved. It has been another goal of mine to love with detachment. This is a great place to leave this event. I sense both of us have been wanting real connections, but have been trying to play it safe and protect ourselves at the same time. So if he can open his heart to let love into his life than this bodes well for all of us!

The oddest, almost comical aspect to all of this is that I had my annual meeting with my accountants this AM to discuss the status of my portfolio. So you see - this time - this day - this moment -  is really about MY SELF WORTH in all ways imaginable!

I love you Michael, I love you Mr. Crush and I love you Universe!

Thanks for listening ~


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Vocabulary as Lesson

Won't you join me in a vocabulary lesson? Pull up a chair and set awhile. But be aware you may find that these little words scorch a space inside you that may be difficult to attend to in just one sitting. Or maybe not...

Here are a few words which describe Metaphysical ideas that may not be in the mainstream, but are no less worth some reflection. 

Are the ideas these words represent real, as in tangible? If they are not tangible, can they be intangible and still be real?

If imaginary, can these ideas be made real by living a life as if they are real?

Herein lies the magic!

1. Orenda

: extraordinary invisible power believed by the Iroquois Indians to pervade in varying degrees all animate and inanimate natural objects as a transmissible spiritual energy capable of being exerted according to the will of its possessor.

2. Satori

: sudden enlightenment and a state of consciousness attained by intuitive illumination representing the spiritual goal of Zen Buddhism

3. Charis

: is a given name derived from a Greek word meaning "grace, kindness".

4. Upaya

: Upaya (Sanskrit: upāya, literally "expedient means" or "pedagogy") is a term in Mahayana Buddhism which refers to a means that goes or brings one up to some goal, often the goal of enlightenment. The term is often used with kaushalya (कौशल्य, "cleverness"); upaya-kaushalya means roughly "skill in means". To be efficient, if not able to be complete, in explaining deep truths so as to reach others where they are presently standing.

5. Tao

: not a 'name' for a 'thing' but the underlying natural order of the universe whose ultimate essence is difficult to circumscribe. Tao is thus "eternally nameless” and to be distinguished from the countless 'named' things which are considered to be its manifestations.

Big questions, huh?

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What is Reasonable?

"Unknowing, if one can be open and vulnerable, will take us down to the very deeps of knowing, not informing the mind but coursing through the whole body, artery and vein–provided one can thrust aside what the world calls common sense, that popular lumpen wisdom that prevents the emerging of the numinous." ~ Pamela Travers

I am living in spite of myself. I am doing things I would never do, yet I do them, in spite of all I have come to know about who I am. Is this reasonable? 

Often lately I find myself appreciating, then allowing, then being with an unfolding me - in spite of the me I have always known myself to be. Is that reasonable?

Am I not sure of who I am and what I prefer? How can I operate in the uncertainty of what is or is not to come? There seems to be no grounding here, no relative center in this way of being. It feels quite like the floor of a fun house - shaky, slippery, and curved. Oh... I am getting nauseated just thinking about it! 

It is here at the dark edge of the mystery I find myself. And all I can do is live it - trusting if I follow the light it will take me out to the other side; trusting that Love will not only be waiting for me there - but that Love will have been moving along with me, in me and all around me all the time.

Knowing this is what gives me the sound footing I require. Knowing this informs my emerging self that it is OK to feel awestruck, terrified and touched by grace all at the same time.

Is this sound? Is this reasonable?

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A Walk in the Park

"I am great sun but you do not see me.

I am your husband but you turn away.

I am the captive but you do not free me.

I am the captain but you do not obey.

I am the truth but you do not believe me.

I am that city where you will not stay.

I am your wife, your child but you will leave me.

I am that god to whom you will not pray.

I am your council but you do not hear me.

I am your lover whom you will slay.

I am the victor but you do not cheer me.

I am the holy dove that you will slay.

I am your life, but if you will not name me seal up your soul's tears and do not blame me." ~ from a 16th century inscription.

My job and my joy is to simply be myself. So why isn't this a walk in the park? Who better to know how to do this than me? No special training is required. Nothing need be bought or sold to achieve "Lani-ness" because I came complete, whole and perfect. And I will go out that way too... funny thing is this is true whether I recognize it or not. 

What has to happen to allow fresh, pure, and unencumbered Lani molecules to collect and disseminate with ease and grace?

Full throttle love. Full throttle trust. And full throttle imagination of what life could be like at it's best. When I allow these things it is a walk in the park to just be.

At this point I believe my job and my joy then changes. I believe my job and my joy then becomes dissolving into all that is... definitely NOT a walk in the park! I've got some work to do. 

What work do you have in front of you?

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Beginning Anew...Again

“The mind creates the abyss, the heart crosses it.” ~ Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj

"A time comes in your life when you finally get it…when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out…enough! Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on. Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are…and that’s OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions. You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself…and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval. You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you – or didn’t do for you – and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. 

You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility. Finally, with courage in your heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can." ~ Sonny Carrol