I Love You Universe!

I am having a real tough realization today. It is rather embarrassing and I feel really raw but the TRUTH does that to us - doesn't it?!

Found out last nite that 'my crush' has happily found a sweetheart of his own. He has never responded to me in any way other than as a caring and casual friend. But I have always held out hope for more ---- eventually.  

And having been consistently infatuated with the idea of us becoming spiritual partners, I have found a way to stave off the reality that I am truly on my own with no one to care about me like my husband used to. (Our song "What a Wonderful World" is playing on the radio right now so I figure my hubby is with me right now as these lessons wash over me!) With my fantasy busted I feel the loss of a very REAL protective device. OUCH - OUCH! What's a little more pain? I have been in pain since Michael died... more or less.

Plus this news has walloped me right in the TRUTH department! It reveals the difference between "what I say" and "what is really going on" inside the deepest part of myself. Another TRUTH is my crush has always been a "passive" teacher for me. For this I am grateful. I really do love him for that!

And, if I look very closely, there is good news afoot...

~ I am stronger.
I have been aware since the very beginning these feelings I have for my crush are a BIG DISTRACTION. And even though all the signs have always pointed me in this direction, I have clung to this fantasy and refused to let it go. At the same time focusing on this affair rather than on myself, my healing and my journey has allowed me some measure of comfort when I needed it. So I guess the universe figures I am stronger now and can handle the truth.

~ I am whole, perfect and complete.
Having my fantasy withdrawn in this real way exposes that place inside me that says "you are small and unloved and NOT intrinsically worthy." So now that I have unearthed this shadow, I am committed to pulling this weed out of my soul garden so I may heal in a more deeper way. I have actually been asking to reveal that place within that is whole complete and perfect so I can see what it feels like to create from here rather than from a place of hunger and lack. Be careful what you ask for ladies and gentlemen!

~ I am awake.
I have become so aware of my emotions, that I actually felt the difference between a "HURT EGO" and a "SOUL PAIN" Losing my husband is a SOUL PAIN that will always be with me. My crush's natural preference for other than me feels less dense but no less sharp. And I am confident, though it does really hurt now, it will heal quickly. I am so grateful for this knowing and it's valuable lessons. This episode has shown me I am more internally aware than I have ever been before.

~ I am capable of Big Love
Lastly, I am so happy that a man I love is being loved and feeling loved. It has been another goal of mine to love with detachment. This is a great place to leave this event. I sense both of us have been wanting real connections, but have been trying to play it safe and protect ourselves at the same time. So if he can open his heart to let love into his life than this bodes well for all of us!

The oddest, almost comical aspect to all of this is that I had my annual meeting with my accountants this AM to discuss the status of my portfolio. So you see - this time - this day - this moment -  is really about MY SELF WORTH in all ways imaginable!

I love you Michael, I love you Mr. Crush and I love you Universe!

Thanks for listening ~


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