The Hard Work of Feeling

"...establish that role to be a listener to the mystery…" 

~ ram dass

I have been caught again by my own tear ducts. They have felt the need to do what they do and I have to decide if I want to let them do it. 

Not fully appreciating that in letting them have their way I would be better off - I silently and completely undermine them. I watch TV to become numb. I stay awake way into the early morning hours to strain my body making 'feeling anything' nearly impossible. I eat way past the time of fullness. This physical discomfort distracts me too from feeling "other" things.

"That is strange" I hear myself saying, "how am I still generating such mythic stores of pain?" I am so surprised - with all my new found depth and awareness - that I am still playing this game of hide and seek. "Why whatever do you mean? No! I am so much better now beacuse so many days have passed since my husband died." 

It just boggles my mind. But my soul knows.

It knows this new found depth of mine is a carving out of sorts. And it is this "carving out" that is painful. 

It knows I am still surprised because I have no earthly idea how truly deep this shit really goes. There is no precedent for it. My limited awareness cannot conceive of this kind of vastness. 

It knows this is the uncomfortable mystery. And in order to transform it I must work hard to establish my role as a listener to it. Yet I still resist. 

I resist because it hurts. I resist because I am human. I resist because I am tired. And I resist because I would be crazy to "want" to have the experience of such a deep wound - yet again.

Carrying around this ticking time bomb of grief is not something you get used to. But my new found awareness tells me to again make it welcome. Actually I am not sure what else you can to do with it...other than create space in your day to just feel it. 

Just feel it.  Hey - I'm a Nike commercial for mental health! 

Just feel it. 

Eventually I do just feel it. And it hurts - just like it did before. And it goes away - just like it did before. And I forget about it for a while - just like I did before. Then it comes back - just like it did before. 

Just feel it. 

This is the hardest work I have ever done.

What hard work are you avoiding?

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