Loss of Illusions

"There is a diamond lying on the road; the arrow is released from the bow. Now the awareness is not within you, now the awareness moves and, reaching the diamond, pierces its heart. Now your awareness is with the diamond and no longer within you. Now the awareness is somewhere else. So all the arrows of your awareness have reached out and pierced somewhere else – and somewhere else, and somewhere else. You have no awareness within you any more, it is always going out. An arrow can only go in one direction but awareness can be bi-directional – and when that happens, the witness is experienced. The arrow of awareness can go in both directions; it can be two-edged.

When your awareness is drawn somewhere, if you can manage only this much, then one day the witness will happen within you. When your attention is drawn outside – say a beautiful young woman passed by or a beautiful young man passed by, your awareness was caught there and now you have completely forgotten yourself, the awareness is no longer within. Now you are not conscious, now you have become unconscious because your consciousness has traveled to someone else, now your consciousness has become the shadow of that person or object – now you are no longer conscious.

Now, if you can do this one thing: you saw someone beautiful; your awareness was drawn there. If in that same moment you can be aware of the bow within from where this arrow has been shot, if you can simultaneously see them both – the source from where the awareness is shooting forth and the object where awareness is going to – if they can both come into your attention simultaneously, then you will experience for the first time what is meant by the witness. From where the awareness is arising, from where the awareness is shooting away – that source has to be found." ~Osho

I awoke today amongst a high tide of stubborn seriousness. It overtook my dog's wagging tail and the sky lit tangerine pink by a rising sun. Foreshadowing some scant tears making their way to the corners of my eyes, this heavy thing blanketed me here in bed between sleeping and waking up?

What is this? Why is it here? 

Ooooh...I remember! There was that conversation I had with a friend yesterday where I was seeking to know something. And my friend confirmed for me, "Sure you could have that - it is easy! Just ask to see the Truth of things." 

Her wholehearted confidence was all I needed and so I  demanded out loud to "see clearly those things I am refusing to look at!" I wanted this so I could move on. I wanted this because I knew IF I could get to that place and uncover the "dark stuff" of my soul, I would be able to whoosh right into the flow of things and be a girl even more unencumbered, more unlimited, and absolutely more free!  

So here I am this A.M., apparently being given my wish. Now it is my job to simply sit with these tears and woeful feelings and give them full access to the surface of my being. Then, within seconds, I understood - I am grieving the loss of my illusions. 

I am recognizing the falsehoods I have been telling myself about my unworthiness, my small identity as a wounded widow, and a trustworthy world of conditions that will NEVER be stable enough to ground this amazing new life of mine. I am saying goodbye to the comfortable shelter of these false beliefs and grieving a familiar architecture under which I am no longer willing to live. 

Do I understand how all these old boundaries, rules, and regulations will drop away?

Nope.

But I do understand they will do just that once I allow it! That is the cool thing about our work here in the non-physical. There is no actual physical effort required. But we must learn to become better at doing the internal stuff. This is where our best lives are hatched and unfolded from.

Is there some dream of a better "something" you want to create? 

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