What do you want?

"Many life experiences have a musical form, 

like endings that are not final 

or themes that return with variation." 

~thomas moore, author of "Seat of the Soul"

My, my, how time flies...and seems to stand still at the same time. David Byrne said it like this, "Same as it ever was..." And so it is, the struggle to get on with it - as if I had control over the timing of things.

I want...

What does it matter how I end this sentence?

Just the wanting itself is the thing. I recognize, from experience, that wanting a car, a house, or a cheeseburger is universally human and thus the easiest for us to share with each other and this is where we most often connect.

Wanting a thing is considered real in time and space, and is tangible. It also begets a rainbow of possible experiences brought about by the wanting. And then POOF! A desire of this nature, once achieved is often then replaced by another.

Then there is the wanting of an experience itself - like feeling completely understood or knowing deep love. This is the next level of desire. It is more soulful and sometimes well covered over so we don't even know it is there. Left in the shadows these desires create plenty of havoc. But when brought to the light they become very useful tools. 

This form of desire is sometimes considered real, is never tangible, does not exist in time, and begets an experience of itself! In addition to this self replicating phenomenon, there are a variety of forms from which this desire can manifest. Different circumstances are constantly coalescing to form my desired experience for connection, for love, and for joy. And I am finding this a rich way to live because at this level of desire actual people, places and things are so mutable. 

But this level still includes wanting...

And then, perhaps maybe on still a higher level of being, is the cessation of wanting. Often, lately, I have felt the desire to let go of wanting all together - to become aware that what is manifesting right now is perfectly fine and all there is. This is a new level of awareness. It is hitched to my request for experiences, but not so tightly bound so that I feel a need to control the outcome. 

Leaning into letting go has become my practice. Like rehearsing scales on a piano, I practice knowing these different levels of desire intimately as they rise and fall within me. I am cultivating a relationship with those of the higher nature. And I am using this awareness practice to flow toward more satisfying and harmonious experiences each and every day.

It is simultaneously, out of my hands, and all up to me. And I am fine with that.


What are you practicing? 

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Full Spectrum of Love

Photo by Jonathon Reid

"Sunset is still my favorite color. Rainbow is second." Mattie Stepanek


What is clouding my awareness of the full spectrum of Love? How do I greet the EVERYTHING and allow this Landscape of Love to unfold more fully? My talisman, my incantation, my newest prayer is "Yes, and..." Yes, I miss my loving and departed Mother since her passing. And I know she is still with me. Yes, my father, whom I dismissed so many years ago, never shared his heart with me. And he sits with me regularly to tell me of his unending Love. Yes, I am completely healed from the passing of my loving husband of 20 years. And I will always carry within me a still lake of tenderness that is easily waked. 

These are not the competing statements of a vacillating mind. They are the warm and gentle notes my heart sings about the mysterious workings of the Landscape of Love. They are comprised of acceptance, compassion, and a desire to know the full spectrum of the Landscape of Love. And they are the best words I can can bring together to explain this resurrected feeling of wholeness that is growing inside me.

Gone are the days that I beat myself, or somebody else, up after recognizing a feeling I judged as wrong or painful. Gone are the doubts that swirled inside me that spoke to my brokenness and raised an invisible white flag over my head which asked everyone to "PLEASE FIX ME."  

So as I take a deep breath... I engage in a new wiser way of being which dissolves "the other" in accordance with Love. I take off the shackles of "either/or thinking" which restricted my growth for so long. Yes, I see we are all Divine and Innocent souls deserving of Love and Kindness. And I begin with my Self.

What is your favorite color?


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Living in Liminality

"In anthropology, liminality (from the Latin word līmen, meaning "a threshold") is the quality of ambiguity or disorientation that occurs in the middle stage of rituals, when participants no longer hold their pre-ritual status but have not yet begun the transition to the status they will hold when the ritual is complete. During a ritual's liminal stage, participants "stand at the threshold" between their previous way of structuring their identity, time, or community, and a new way..." ~wikipedia

Wondering if just plain living day-to-day is it's own ritual? And wondering when the ritual day-to-day is interrupted why we panic and how do we cope? And mostly wondering why this type of disruption is not more coveted?

I just sold my home and moved in with a friend for a while. My friend has been uber accommodating and the living is easy. But still there lies within me this definite feeling of being at a threshold betwixt and between common hours - to obliquely reference Mr. Thoreau. 

I am living in liminality. And no matter how comfortable my new digs are, living in liminality holds by it's very nature discomfort or at least some disorientation. And who likes being there? That was the case until I recognized more deeply the gifts of the LIMINAL. 

Within liminal time and space there is a breaking away from a regular ritualized pattern that is some how encouraging. This intermezzo between my sorrowful past and the adventure of an unknown future is giving birth to a more waked up form of myself! 

I am no longer striving. I am now arriving. I am, I do, I have. I am choosing to not fill in these blanks with anything that has come before. I am seeing "everything anew." My expectations are unbridled as I embody THE PRESENT as a threshold adorned. 

What's wrong with change? What's wrong with newness? What's right with waking up sleepyhead? 

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Loss of Illusions

"There is a diamond lying on the road; the arrow is released from the bow. Now the awareness is not within you, now the awareness moves and, reaching the diamond, pierces its heart. Now your awareness is with the diamond and no longer within you. Now the awareness is somewhere else. So all the arrows of your awareness have reached out and pierced somewhere else – and somewhere else, and somewhere else. You have no awareness within you any more, it is always going out. An arrow can only go in one direction but awareness can be bi-directional – and when that happens, the witness is experienced. The arrow of awareness can go in both directions; it can be two-edged.

When your awareness is drawn somewhere, if you can manage only this much, then one day the witness will happen within you. When your attention is drawn outside – say a beautiful young woman passed by or a beautiful young man passed by, your awareness was caught there and now you have completely forgotten yourself, the awareness is no longer within. Now you are not conscious, now you have become unconscious because your consciousness has traveled to someone else, now your consciousness has become the shadow of that person or object – now you are no longer conscious.

Now, if you can do this one thing: you saw someone beautiful; your awareness was drawn there. If in that same moment you can be aware of the bow within from where this arrow has been shot, if you can simultaneously see them both – the source from where the awareness is shooting forth and the object where awareness is going to – if they can both come into your attention simultaneously, then you will experience for the first time what is meant by the witness. From where the awareness is arising, from where the awareness is shooting away – that source has to be found." ~Osho

I awoke today amongst a high tide of stubborn seriousness. It overtook my dog's wagging tail and the sky lit tangerine pink by a rising sun. Foreshadowing some scant tears making their way to the corners of my eyes, this heavy thing blanketed me here in bed between sleeping and waking up?

What is this? Why is it here? 

Ooooh...I remember! There was that conversation I had with a friend yesterday where I was seeking to know something. And my friend confirmed for me, "Sure you could have that - it is easy! Just ask to see the Truth of things." 

Her wholehearted confidence was all I needed and so I  demanded out loud to "see clearly those things I am refusing to look at!" I wanted this so I could move on. I wanted this because I knew IF I could get to that place and uncover the "dark stuff" of my soul, I would be able to whoosh right into the flow of things and be a girl even more unencumbered, more unlimited, and absolutely more free!  

So here I am this A.M., apparently being given my wish. Now it is my job to simply sit with these tears and woeful feelings and give them full access to the surface of my being. Then, within seconds, I understood - I am grieving the loss of my illusions. 

I am recognizing the falsehoods I have been telling myself about my unworthiness, my small identity as a wounded widow, and a trustworthy world of conditions that will NEVER be stable enough to ground this amazing new life of mine. I am saying goodbye to the comfortable shelter of these false beliefs and grieving a familiar architecture under which I am no longer willing to live. 

Do I understand how all these old boundaries, rules, and regulations will drop away?

Nope.

But I do understand they will do just that once I allow it! That is the cool thing about our work here in the non-physical. There is no actual physical effort required. But we must learn to become better at doing the internal stuff. This is where our best lives are hatched and unfolded from.

Is there some dream of a better "something" you want to create? 

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Spiritual Partnership

"Spiritual partnerships are the most fulfilling, substantive, and deep relationships possible. They are relationships between equals for the purpose of spiritual growth. ... No matter who the spiritual partner or spiritual partners are, the spiritual partnership operates the same way." ~Gary Zukav

I have been waiting for directions for my new life. Something less complex than those you get with birth control pills. But something more easily reckoned than the confusing pictograph directions you get with cheapo furniture made in Central Asia. 

Arthur Murray comes to mind. 

I would like some simple footsteps painted in a high contrasting color so I can easily see them. I don’t have to know the whole dance I just want to know what my next step is. And I would like a partner. That way I could keep my head up instead of looking at my feet all the time!

But not just any partner, I really really really really want a partner who as ready as I am for the most fulfilling, substantive, and deep relationship of their life. I want a Spiritual Partnership.

Let's get ready to R-U-M-B-L-E Universe!

What do you really (x 4)  want?

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Envision Forward

"There is a way of breathing that's a shame and a suffocation and there's another way of breathing, a love breath that lets you open to the infinite."

~Rumi.

I spent the day at a Vision Board Workshop. This is a yearly ritual which surprisingly has become a touchstone. Each year we choose a word to act like a compass as we wind our way toward a future to which we feel called. Then we cut, arrange, and paste images, along with our word and a photo of ourselves, on to a board. This collage making is intuitive play; it is not pre-planned. It is not work, but I am always wiped out when I finish. Seems conjuring up an entire year in advance takes a lot of focused energy. But the exhaustion I feel is always preceded by an amazing feeling of joy, surprise, and exhilaration, the high of which lingers on for at least a day or two!

2013: ADROIT. My first word. I chose it because six months earlier my husband had died. I was still plenty raw and broken, but had begun to wake from the numbing inertia of the newly bereaved. Up until then, there was like this protective bubble surrounding me, keeping me from being consciously aware of the deep and profound waves of pain surging through my being. I recall feeling all the pain, but I wasn't very present with it - THANK GOD!!!!
I wanted so much to become proficient in the many things I used to hand off to my husband. My word gave me focus and helped me inch my way forward into a daily life I knew nothing about.

2014:ALLOWING. In 2014 I had begun to write and to paint. And I had begun to be very present with the pain. Looking at it's shape, it's many colors, and it's heft helped me become a witness (a survival tactic perhaps) which seemed naturally healing, organic, and well timed. As a witness, I noticed the things I refused hung out longer and hurt more than the things I accepted and allowed. So with the help of my word, I found myself allowing "the all" of things to come and go more freely. This was incredibly healing. And I was, I must add, helped greatly by my dearest friends inviting me to join them in the UK. I was not interested in going at first. I did not feel like traveling. It was my word that helped me say "YES." Allowing allowed to me to transform.

2015: BROADCAST. By 2015, I was learning so much and I wanted these experiences to be useful, I wanted to serve. This was the year I passionately worked to fling my words and pictures out into the world. I held a powerful vision that these seedlings might miraculously one day take root.

2016: CREATE  I had no choice. I was going to have to move. This was not an external fact of life, but a deep welling up from inside. Moving not just from one home to another, but moving into a life completely beyond any I had known before. My word helped me to begin deliberately creating. And I can report this last year has flown by with a new car, a new home, new convictions, new friends, and new joys all blasting into existence.

And this year... I am ready for release. 

I am ready to let go of the heaviness that has anchored me in place. I am ready to let go of being an authority on grief. I am expecting to see again with the eyes of a child and to use beginner's mind to experience ecstatic joys, to witness blossoming everywhere, and to release attachment to all. I look forward to adventure, experimentation, and taking a risk or two. Do you think some of my seeds are germinating? 

2017: PLAYUFUL

Do you have a word for this new year?

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Learning to Listen

"Fully absorbed, graciously witnessing, or open and spacious

—which of these lenses is the best way to practice awareness? 

Is there an optimal way to pay attention? The answer is 'all of the above.'" 

~ jack kornfield

While walking in the woods I gave way to the moment and opened up my mind and my heart to allow whatever wanted to come forward to do so. Can you tell I have been doing work with RECEIVING?

So what came darting into my focus? "MAGENTA!" No, I didn't see it. I felt it. I felt the idea of MAGENTA and all the ideas I hold around it. They zoomed like a swarm of kamikaze bumble bees into my awareness. It was not scary or painful, but it was fast, strong and immediate.

And as ribbons of fallen leaves crunched below my feet, it's deeper meaning elegantly began to unfold for me. 

I am a painter. MAGENTA is a color I make by mixing a fair amount of red with a tiny bit of a blue. It is also one of my two favorite colors (the other being orange, by which I was, incidentally, being engulfed in this autumnal wood.) And MAGENTA's components, red and blue, signify the root and third-eye in our energy-bodies. 

The ROOT Chakra is found at the base of the spine and there lives our subtle sense of well being. We feel grounded and safe when this energy is not shaken or blocked. It's vibration is slow and it's color is red. 

The THIRD EYE Chakra vibration is blue. It is located in the space between the eyebrows. It moves faster and is an aperture to a vast reservoir known as intuition or consciousness.

Gleaning all I know, which really is not a lot, I came to understand -  in an instant - to welcome change. All at once I felt relief. And I knew it was my Truth because I recall the lightness and warmth that attended this knowing.  I was completely joy-filled and my whole body smiled.

I am sure I am not alone in feeling knocked off center by change. But simultaneously, I understood that adding even just a little blue (consciousness) to new conditions will be enough to cause things to shift. I was being clearly informed that change expands us and is always a favorable thing. MAGENTA was my message to enjoy, like a favorite color, newness and to welcome it with wonder and without fear. 

These words, by the way, were not part of my original meditation. All these words are in the rearview mirror of that experience. I write these words now to remind myself and to make manifest more of the same good feelings of relief and excitement.

And perhaps they will remind you too? Perhaps you will feel invited to reach toward your own inner guidance system? Like mine, it is embedded within. But unlike mine, the way you access it will be of your own organic choosing. It is for sure just waiting for you. Waiting for you to decide 

to be silent,

to be open,

and to listen.

Are you ready to be more connected?

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