Just Fifty Feet Away

Ultima forsan. It's later than you think; literally, 'Perhaps the last'. These words are inscribed on some clocks to indicate that the moment of death; indeed, the moment of eternal judgment, may be at hand. The wise person treats every hour as though it were his/her last.

"We are just fifty feet away from the gate,"our pilot announced, "Just waiting for the way to be cleared. Thank you for your patience."

Just fifty feet, almost there but not really there. How interesting that I am finding myself waiting for this next new moment to arrive after almost three weeks on a European adventure. And, if you will indulge me here just a little bit, almost three years after losing my beloved husband to sudden illness - my personal GROUND ZERO - where I began creating something out of nothing.

A day earlier, I was under a bit of pressure, pressure I had created myself! You see my glorious trip was almost over and I had set things in motion by making a declaration. "This trip is my graduation present to myself." I told everyone this was so. "Things will really get going after I get back!" Now I am just fifty feet away from having to perform.

In waiting I feel anticipation and calmness mix into laughter. I am literally being held in place. I am suspended out farther than I have ever been from my old life while my gaze is caste ever forward. My body is condensed in this tin can waiting for the snap, click, fizz of an artisan's life to be opened and poured out upon the world. OK - can you tell I have been in flight for almost nine hours?

Still I am finding this idea of SUSPENSION is an illusion. It appears when we feel the weight of our past and the possibilities of our future combined with the lousy seat belts our minds use to tether us in place.

The bumpy parts are over and I am just fifty feet away from starting my new life. Having made my declaration I know I am prepared to move on.

But being just fifty feet away and having only a few sketchy plans in place I am wondering if I will actually follow through on them. 

"I have to do a lot," I tell myself. 

Or how about this, "I have a lot to do."

The shift in phrasing is subtle, but means loads to me - one who has come from ground zero to now.

For me rearranging these words makes me appreciate being pulled forward into a life of my choosing rather than being pushed ahead into a life fashioned by circumstance. I am grateful I have a lot to do. I am enthusiastic to get going at a pace that suits me well, arrives with joy and unfolds with ease.

I have come a long way to see myself here - just fifty feet away from the gate! And I am so grateful to be so close.

What pulls you forward?

Tag You're It!

A Love Letter to Life

"Whatever satisfies the soul is truth." ~walt whitman 1819 -1892

As my sister goes off on an adventure to find and immerse herself in the new-to-her waters of the Mediterranean (thank god for spellcheck) I am content to stay close to home today, to listen hard to my soul's heart and to write this love letter to life.

Anything can become regular, even traipsing around France - when you do it long enough. Isn't that strange? It seems even an adventure collapses if you adventure all the time!

As I reflect on this Frenchy-French journey that is quickly coming to a close I am recognizing that among all the new and amazing things I have been a part of there is one constant, one thing that is neither new or old but always exciting. It is the Love I carry.

I carry with me always great Love for my sister who is my traveling companion. I carry new Love for the many friends I have made. And I carry with me constantly a Love of self which grounds and directs me.

These many Loves float me high above any situation. It is within the power of all these Loves combined I find confidence and joy to know all is well.

From within this Love I pay better attention to my own personal needs and find I am better able to recognize the needs of others. Winning for everyone is the prize from within this kind of Love.

And I am so grateful as I recognize - right now in this short moment - my soul's heart has become my own.

Where do you find love?

Tag You're It!

mon cœur chante

Sacredness is just around the corner. You must believe this to see it, then it starts showing up!

What is that thing that allows you to breathe more freely and love more fully? Can you envision the whole thing coming together just like you wish it to be - for your highest good and the highest good of others around you? Not to hold it static, but to experience it and let it go. And then to dream anew? For me this is IT! These days I cannot envision life unfolding otherwise. And so it is.

Dreams are my lever, my thrust, my place of contentment. Perchance to dream...why not?

For in dreams begin responsibility. 

In recognizing your specific dream - the desire of your heart - your sacred passion or plea for life - you must, I have found, make that dream come true lest you suffer it's abandonement and your demise.

The fear of not making our dreams come true is why so many of us do not even dare to dream I think.

May I suggest It is most true that the revealing of our sacred joys is the more daunting task, not the manifesting. Once revealed, I believe, our desires have a way of making themselves manifest.

I write this as one who is waking this morning in the heart of beauty, the provencal counrtyside in the south of France. A dream come true for me from a desire to seek beauty all around me. 

Was "the south of France" my original goal - heavens no! But here it is, none the less. The earth is singing Heaven's YES to me - my sacred yes - manifest around every corner. And for this I am truly grateful. My heart is singing!

What makes your heart sing?

Tag You're It!

Where Does Momentum Come From?

I am becoming anew…again. In the past I was always thrown by the smallest of changes. Change made me annoyed...then angry...then quiet and sullen. After the offending new thing became old, my psyche would relax, the irritation would dissolve and I would begin a forced march toward acceptance.

Now I am grounded. My grounding is rooted in a new Truth - that change is all there is and nothing is permanent. Change has become the safest way to go and must never be denied. For suffering lies in the denying. 

Now I remind myself to stay BIG. When Judgement is running the show I am not worthy, I doubt and I blame. And sometimes fear trickles out of me on to my life when I play small. I catch my self now because I am paying attention. I know I can operate from a boundless spirit. Here I feel free and am allowed unlimited self expression. And my imagination gets to play. This limitless place says YES to joy, YES to creativity and YES to all compassionate reponses.

I am feeling ready for this next iteration. Like leaping off a cliff the momentum seizing me makes me willing to try new things, see if they fit, see if I have wings. 

As it happens I am traveling soon with my sister. She is my best friend in this world, she is supporting me and helping me remove my cocoon. 

What am I becoming, I don't know. When will I be it, I'm not certain. All I know is I am on my way…happily declaring a shift that has been a long time coming.

Can you feel it too?

Tag You're It!

Closing the Gap

"This new-ish internal gyroscope is being built within me. It invites me to balance things out more easily. Still no itinerary. Still no destination. But lots of budding awareness' to make note of --- like Darwin, uncovering Origin of Species." 

~me from first blog post on november 5, 2013

How far apart are who you are and what you want to be? I am right there - a bullseye! Creating this crazy life that asks for everything I desire and works toward being joyful and surprised has somehow become my reality. Somehow the gap for me has closed tremendously!

How did this happen? 

I recall it started by choosing to be Deliberate. It was in a class and we were asked to pick a quality we wished to embody. Did not have any exacting designs for what I was going to be deliberate about, I just wanted to take hold of my life and make sure that anything that happened from that point forward would be of my own choosing. The catch? There is always a catch. I had to let go of knowing what I expected my life to look like.

Thus I entered a new state of ALLOWING.

As I think about this now, it was this Grace that allowed me to aspire less toward concrete manifestations of life and more toward ephemeral sensations of living. The everyday choices about food, money and shelter were important - yes. But they became only secondary. My larger focus - to be Deliberate - became primary. Thus I began a life that gave up on hoping for the best and chose a life to be the best I could desire.

From that point on I began to ground myself. Attention was given to signals my nervous system sent to my body, to the messages of yearning from my soul's heart and to the dream world that sang softly to me at night and in the early morning hours. I gave them a voice - a say in what came next.

In giving these invisible aspects of myself more weight they became my guides…my trusted guides. Like any new relationship it took time to build that trust. At first they helped me to discern best practices and procedures for living my life day to day. Gradually I learned I would receive a useful answer to any question if I just posed it in a meaningful way to this new guidance system I was developing. 

This inner listening begat outer doings. And thus slowly profitable experiences were built up, encouraging doing more of the same. So you see I was creating the life I wanted while simultaneously living the life I currently had. And my emotions, desires and dreams, things I had judged as peripheral, became vital to me as my way of connecting places of spirit to places of concrete and corporeal form. It took some time, but I became one who manifests.

So now I know these semi-tangible organs - my emotions, desires and dreams - reside within me. And I am living from inside out! As I continue to build up my ability, my awareness to these my guides, I know they will always lead me toward that place where I feel at home...safely unbounded and free.

I still do not have a destination, but every day I am more and more OK with that because where I am right now is just fine!

How far apart are who you are and what you want to be?

Tag You're It!

Love and Mercy

"Be like the sun for grace and mercy. Be like the night to cover others' faults. Be like running water for generosity. Be like death for rage and anger. Be like the earth for modesty. Appear as you are. Be as you are." 

~rumi

1207-1273

I know DEATH really well. It has been my companion, my teacher and friend. Living intimately with ideas of endings, sorrow, pain and uncertainty informs me well. I have learned about accepting what is. I have been trained to recognize and acknowledge the importance of joy. And most of all I have come to understand that love never dies.

Along with all of this comes a finely honed understanding of the importance of the forms showing up right here in front of me. Did you know they all have deeper meanings assigned them? They are there if you are willing to look! I learned this when one was abruptly taken away.

But things are shifting.

It is LIFE that now beckons to me. It is laughter, playfulness, uncertainty and acceptence that wants to cheat out the space DEATH has impounded for so long. Life wants to be lived, to thrive in the light of great newnesses New friends. New loves. And new adventures. 

In this I am a bit caught.

I am holding back my Self. I am reserved and weary knowing what manifests within the structures of time. Knowing unknown pains and sorrows to come. Is LIFE really this kind of battlefield? Is heartache really just one more medal to wear and weigh me down in the course of each hallowed day? 

Or can I wage LIFE not as a war, but as an experiment - experiencing fully, soul to soul, moment to moment, all it's loves and mercies? Using what I now know, can I discipline myself to practice enjoying with a light touch the beauty of holding hands, the warmth of being acknowledged, the crescendo of an understanding between you and me and the resulting smile in your eyes?  

Only time has these answers, but I sure do like the questions?

Don't you?

Tag. You're It!

Find Your Wealth

"Wealth is the ability to experience life."

~henry david thoreau

1817-1862

Would you say, "No thank you." if someone came to your house and handed you a million dollars? It is fair to say this is a dream scenario most people would love to experience. This dream scenario contains nothing but good stuff. Within it are elements of ease, excitement, joy, liberation and boundless new opportunities. In addition to all that...according to this fantasy we do not even have to make an effort. This prize comes to seek us out! We could still be in our pajamas when that big check from the universe shows up on our doorstep. You could just be sitting there at home mindfully minding-your-own-business and BAM YOU ARE A MILLIONAIRE!

But what are the odds? To my way of thinking pretty-damn-good... IF you are willing to consider - the present moment as the prize. 

The present moment is handed to us every day, all the time, over and over again. Within it are the same promises of liberation and boundless new opportunities. It contains all of life in just the kiss of a second and then another and another and another. This present moment stuff never stops coming.

Within your awareness of the present moment are a bounty of riches. The plasticity of eternity is joyfully experienced everyday constantly in the ever changing course of hours and in the ever changing stream of our own consciousness.

So if this phenomenon is truly knocking constantly in order to give to us it's gifts...why aren't we waking up and answering the door?

It isn't called present for nothin' you know!

Knock, knock! Who's there?

Tag You're it!